She told me that because I was so tall and so big I seemed like a superhero. She told me I could pick her up and carry her around no matter how big she got and that I always made her laugh. She said my hugs were the best and that my beard tickled when she kissed me and then she reached her little hand right into my chest and poked my heart when she told me that I had kept her and her mommy safe when her daddy was mean to them. She told me all kids needed someone that made them feel safe, so of course Hyde would like me. When she handed the phone back to Beryl I could tell my sister was crying, and honestly I could feel the burn of tears in the back of my own eyes.
Sayer called the day before I was supposed to meet my little boy and told me she had cleared it with the CASA person and Hyde’s foster mom that I could bring him a little something for our first meeting. She warned me not to go overboard since he was going to have to return to the foster home after our meeting and that meant he was going to be around other kids that would be jealous if he came rolling in with something fancy and expensive.
That was how I found myself in the toy aisle of Target thirty minutes before they closed staring aimlessly at rows and rows of brightly colored boxes. I had no clue what was appropriate or what Hyde was even into and that made me want to pull my hair out. Finally, my gaze hit on a box of Legos and it clicked.
Maybe he liked to build things like I did. There were enough blocks and pieces to the set that even if there were a bunch of other kids at the house he was staying at, they could share and play together. I grabbed a couple different designs and went home knowing good and well I wouldn’t sleep a wink until the meeting tomorrow. Instead, I stared at the ceiling and alternately thought about the little boy and the woman that was the key to making him a permanent part of my life.
I couldn’t think about one without the other invading the thought the next second. They were both so important and intrinsically tied together in my life at the moment that separating them seemed impossible, and I wasn’t sure that I wanted to. If I did win full custody of Hyde he was going to be part of the deal if Sayer ever decided to let me into her life. She couldn’t have me and not have him and I wondered if that was part of the reason she had reverted to putting up her professional mask every time we talked now.
She was always polite, always reassuring, but none of the playful attraction that floated between us before was present in her tone and she made sure all our conversations were brief and to the point. She was making me crazy, but I couldn’t figure a way around it and frankly had to keep my focus on my kid and not my dick.
When the day of the visit arrived I skipped work in the morning, leaving my foreman, Azzy, in charge of the crew. Azzy was a good kid who survived a really nasty upbringing. He had spent his formative years in juvie and most of his young adulthood behind bars. We had met in Canyon, and when he got out he looked me up. The guy had no construction knowledge and I knew how hard it was for anyone, but especially someone of color with a criminal history, to find a good job and someone willing to give them an honest shot at a future. I hated being judged for my past mistakes but knew I could have it so much worse than I did. Azzy had a fierce resolve to never go back to prison and a noticeable dedication to making something of himself. Since I had hired him on he had also proven to be a quick learner. Over the last few years I had been entrusting more and more responsibility and workload to him. In fact, after I had blueprints drawn up and a bid squared away, I was thinking about handing that entire build over to the young guy. Azzy was ready for something to be all his, and I knew Asa would get it when I explained my reasoning for handing the project over to my protégé.
I dressed in a pair of black Dickies and put on a lightweight plaid shirt that had pearl buttons up and down the front of it along with white piping across the shoulders. I traded my Red Wings for a pair of black Frye boots and tried to tame my typically unruly hair with a handful of goop and a comb. I cleaned up all right but no one was ever going to hand me the key to the city and there was nothing I could really do about the tattoos on either side of my neck or the ones that marked the back of each hand, so I knew I would still get those looks. The ones that stated that no matter how respectable my career was, or how much money I had in the bank, or how nice the car I drove was, I still looked rough and would always be an ex-con.
Figuring this was as good as it was going to get, I climbed into the Jeep with my Lego haul and headed to the address Sayer had given me. The CASA building looked like any other business on the side street where it was located. It wasn’t until I went inside and had to go through security and pass through endless pairs of suspicious eyes that I realized how different it was. There was a reception desk and I signed in and looked around the little waiting area for a familiar face. All I saw were men who looked defeated and women who looked scared. This was obviously an establishment that was the worst-case scenario for some and that just made my nerves jangle even more.