When the door finally opens I mutter, “Oh thank God,” under my breath. I’d been about to lose my mind.
“Hello, Blaire.” Dr. Hershel smiles pleasantly and washes his hands in the sink. He’s been my doctor for years now. He’s probably in his fifties, with brown hair only beginning to gray at the temples. He has kind green eyes that are always full of laughter.
“Hi,” I squeak. My nerves are through the roof.
“Don’t be nervous,” Dr. Hershel says, drying his hands and tossing the paper towel in the trashcan. The nurse comes in behind him and hands him my folder. “Let’s take a look here,” he mutters, laying the folder aside. He sits down on the stool and begins fiddling with some items hooked up to a monitor.
I’m pretty sure I’m about to throw up.
I wish Ben was here.
He should be here.
This moment belongs to him as much as it does me, and yet here I am, alone. So, fucking alone.
I should’ve let my mom come with me, but it’s not the same.
“Let’s see your baby,” he says.
“Wait,” I hold out my hands, “shouldn’t you do a blood test or something first?”
His lips quirk. “Pregnancy tests rarely lie. We see a lot of false negatives, but they’re usually pretty accurate when it comes to positive.”
I nod. “O-Okay. Proceed.”
He chuckles. “You’re funny, Blaire.” I wasn’t trying to be funny. “Put your legs in the stirrups.”
I cringe. Stirrups. I don’t know why, but I hate that word the way some people hate the word moist. I do as I’m told and lie back with my legs up. Such a flattering position. I close my eyes and cover my face with my hands. I do better if I don’t see what’s happening. I jolt when I feel something slide inside me. Oh, Jesus.
And then a moment later …
I lower my hands and my mouth parts. “Is that?”
“Your baby’s heartbeat?” Dr. Hershel asks for me. “It is. It’s a bit early to hear the heartbeat, but it’s a strong one. It looks like you’re almost seven weeks pregnant, like you predicted. You see that?” He points to a tiny dark blob that flickers on the screen. “That’s your baby. Congratulations.” He smiles up at me.
I immediately burst into tears.
Happy tears.
Sad tears.
Angry tears.
Basically, they’re every sort of tear rolled into one. I’m excited and relieved to know there’s a baby inside me, but sad and pissed off at the same time because Ben’s not here to experience this with me. He’ll never hear the sound of our baby’s heartbeat. He’ll never press his hand to my stomach and feel our child moving inside me. So many nevers when I thought I had a life full of forevers.
“I’ll print off some ultrasound photos for you,” Dr. Hershel says. Neither he nor the nurse comments on my tears. I’m sure they get them a lot.
“Thank you,” I croak, wiping my eyes with the backs of my hands.
This is really happening, I think to myself.
I leave the doctor’s office and sit in my car staring at the grainy black and white photos. I touch the tiny blob reverently. That’s my baby.
My phone rings from the depths of my purse, and I rifle through it to find the slender silver phone. It’s my mom.
“Hello?” My voice is thick with emotion.
“How’d it go?” she asks. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, I’m definitely pregnant,” I say. “I got to see the baby and hear the heartbeat. The doctor said it was early, but it was so strong, Mom. It’s like the baby knew I needed to hear it.” I sniffle and look for the small pack of tissues I keep in my purse. I pull one out and wipe the dampness from beneath my eyes.
“Oh, sweetie,” my mom breathes in relief. “I’m so happy for you.”
“Thanks,” I reply. “I’m happy too, but …”
“But what?” she prompts.
My lower lips trembles, and my knuckles turn white where I grip my phone. “But I wish Ben was here.”
I can hear her intake of breath over the phone. “I know, sweetie. I know.”
I lean my head back, and my throat bobs when I swallow past the lump in my throat. “It’s all so unfair.”
“Blaire,” she says sharply. “Stop it. You can’t do this to yourself.”
I hear her words, but they don’t make much impact. “I’m going to see Loraine,” I tell her. “I want to tell her in person.”
“When will you be home?” she asks me.
“I don’t know. It’ll be a few hours. It’ll take me at least one hour each way depending on traffic, not including the time I spend with her.”
“Just call me when you leave her house,” she says. “I worry about you.”
“I know, Mom,” I whisper. “I will.”
“I love you,” she says.
“Love you too.” I end the call and toss my phone on the seat beside me.
I look at the ultrasound photos one last time before sliding them into the envelope the nurse gave me. I run my fingers through my hair. I know I look like a mess, but there’s not much I can do to make myself look presentable at this point.