WHEN I WOKE up this morning, I’d had a romantic evening with Asher all planned out in my head, where I would be in his arms again and there would be no more pretending. No more half-truths. But like most things in my life, things didn’t go as planned. I’d come to the lake an hour early. To think. I needed to decide if I could do this. If I could possibly set myself up for a crushing end again.
I wanted a storybook romance. One where we loved each other, put each other first, had no secrets between us. One where we were free to be ourselves. Everything we never had. Being together now filled us both with fear, guilt, regret, yet we wanted it so desperately, we were willing to pretend. For a few hours, we pretended we had everything, only to wake up to the deafening tick-tocks of a reality check.
It had taken me so long to even find the will to live after I’d lost Asher. Just laughing again had required so much effort. I didn’t know whether I was willing to go through that again, or whether I even still loved him enough to take a chance on us.
Did he love me enough to face his own family just to be with me?
All this was running through my head when his truck pulled up nearby. I didn’t run to him like I used to do, eager to greet him and show him how much I was happy to see him. The urgency to be in his arms in moments like these wasn’t as strong because I no longer felt certain of his love. These doubts held me back, held my whole heart back.
He parked, cut his lights, and walked over to sit down beside me. He didn’t speak at first. It was as if he was reading my thoughts, assessing them in his own mind, before acting. I let him do it. What happened at his work today had opened my eyes to what I might have to endure if we ever decided to continue this in any way.
Hannah got to eat lunch with him, laugh with him, be with him in public. All the things I couldn’t get. How long would it be before he got tired and wanted that too? How long would it be before he went looking for it elsewhere?
“He just needs more time,” Asher finally broke the silence.
“So until then, I have to let Hannah or Amber or Emily enjoy you in ways I can’t.” It wasn’t a question. It was a statement of truth. A painful fact.
He turned to me. “No. Of course, not. I’m not with them. I never will be with any of them. It’s just you, Dix,” he pleaded.
He didn’t get it. He thought moments like these where no one could see us would be enough for me. “Today, you were with Hannah. She got to spend time with you. She got to laugh with you. She got to eat lunch with you for the whole world to see. All things I can’t have.”
His hand covered mine. “She means nothing to me. She’s just a friend. Heck, she’s even barely that. She’s a coworker. We don’t hang out after work. Today, she put up an act entirely for Steel’s sake.”
“No, she acted to please you. To touch you. To make you like her. And to claim you in front of me.”
I sounded jealous and crazy. I knew that. But I couldn’t stop the words spilling from my mouth. My heart was hurting inside my chest.
“Dix, look at me,” he said as his finger slid under my chin and turned my face toward his. “It’s only you and it’s only ever been you. I told you that. I’ve told Hannah that. And after Steel’s had some time to adjust, I will tell him that, too.”
“What if while I’m waiting, your feelings for me change? I’d have to move on again and it almost killed me last time, Asher. I’m not sure I have the strength to—”
Asher lowered his lips to mine to silence them, pressing ever so gently. “It’s always been you, Dix. Just you. There is no way I could ever stop loving you. God knows I’ve tried.”
I let him kiss me again. I let myself trust his lips, hear every silent promise they were making. I let myself forget that he hadn’t been fighting for me, that he had turned us into a dirty little secret just to protect his family. But I only allowed myself to forget for a brief moment. I knew it was time I protected myself against anyone who was not willing to put me first, regardless of how much I loved him.
I gathered enough willpower to break the kiss and put some distance between us. I didn’t look at him in the eyes, knowing the love I’d find in them would break my resolve. But I needed him just one last time, I needed that connection between us, I needed to feel Asher inside me one more time, before I let him go. He had to decide all on his own after that if he was going to fight for me or not.
“Fuck me,” I said while my mind was screaming to beg him to make love to me. To love my body gently, to show me that I was not alone in this.
He ran his hand down my bare arm. “Tonight, let me take it slow.”
I knew that if he took it slow, I’d break into a million pieces. I desperately wanted it, but I was too weak to have it. “Not tonight. I need you inside me. Now.”
His pupils grew larger and the sweet left his eyes, replaced by raw hunger. He wanted it as much as I did. He didn’t order me to get naked this time around. Instead, he did it for me, jerking my tank top off first, then pushing me back onto the grass so he could pull my shorts and panties off. “I spent a fucking hour in the shower this morning thinking about this,” he growled tossing his shirt aside and unbuttoning his jeans. “How tight your pussy is, how wet it gets, how it feels when you claw my back.”
I let my legs fall open and his eyes went directly to my wet opening. “Keep talking like that and I’ll orgasm without you,” I panted, my chest rising and falling rapidly.
“You sure you don’t want me to take my time? I could eat this pussy until you’re screaming for me to stop. Then fill you up nice and slow.”
What woman wouldn’t want that? But my heart begged me not to take it.
“Please, Asher,” I pleaded.
His body came down over mine and with a firm thrust he was inside me. I screamed, curving my back and lifting my legs to wrap myself tightly around him. He started moving immediately. His arms flexed with each thrust, his breathing deep then short and shallow. He murmured words in my ear that I had to close my eyes to block out. Hearing him tell me how much he loved me and what I meant to him was splintering my heart because I felt the same way and couldn’t tell him. Not before it was safe for me to do so.
When I began to tremble and cry out in release, he held me close. I let myself just inhale his scent, feel him inside me and everywhere around me, and a small tear tricked from the corner of my eye and hid in my hair. In that moment, we were as we always should have been. We were happy, connected, complete. A second tear followed when I realized we might never have this again.
Asher Sutton
YELLING PULLED ME out of my sleep the next morning. I was up in the attic but I could still hear the words being hurled downstairs. Jumping out of bed and grabbing a pair of sweats to quickly pull on, I ran down the stairs as quickly as I could. We’d been waiting for things to escalate between Brent and Bray and it sounded like that moment had arrived.