“My name isn’t Lucas Holt. I will tell you everything you want to know, answer every question you have, as long as the answer isn’t something that will hurt you, but I can’t tell you my real name. It’s safer if you don’t know it, because I have to remain Lucas Holt. I can’t be anyone else right now.”
I had already gone completely still. Confusion and denial were swirling so deeply inside me, mixing with the intense ache in my chest.
Not Lucas Holt. Not Lucas Holt.
When he’d first spoken, I’d wondered if all the men in his world changed their names in a way to protect themselves, but that thought had abruptly died when he continued.
“I’ve given you glimpses and hints at what my life was like up until just four years ago,” he went on, “because I knew I was falling in love with you, and I wanted you to know me, to try to understand who you were falling in love with instead of this illusion I’ve created—but the real me shouldn’t be allowed to even have this chance with you.” He ran a hand roughly through his hair, and a muscle ticked in his jaw.
When he spoke again, everything was rushed and said so softly it was almost too hard to keep up with him. “I told you I had to fight to get into this world . . . but that’s only a small part of it. For almost six months, I was repeatedly put in situations so William and I would run into each other when he was dealing with the darker side of this world. All for the slim chance that he would see something in me that could be of use in his business. But every single one of those meetings was planned and monitored by the FBI. They had tracked multiple shipments of drugs going from the mob to William and thought he was the head of a drug ring in southern Texas. But that’s all they thought he was involved in. They needed me to get close to him, gain his trust, and learn everything I could about him so we could take him down. But I knew I would have to do things I would hate myself for just to prove to William that I would be useful for him. So I did. And I got in close with him—too close.
“No one had expected what I found. None of us had even imagined it went so far beyond drugs—that the drugs were the least of the worries. And by that point, William had already begun mentoring me, had already begun testing and training me to see if I could become this. I’ve been forced to continue with the cover and go deeper and deeper so that one day the FBI and other non-government agencies can take down this entire ring. What you now know as my world.”
I wasn’t breathing or blinking, I wasn’t sure I was even processing what he’d told me. This was . . . well, this wasn’t real. I must have fallen asleep after coming home from the disaster in the city.
But as minutes came and went, my lungs started aching from lack of oxygen, letting me know this was in fact real.
The faintest flicker of relief sparked in my chest—knowing he wasn’t really this man who’d bought my hatred . . . wasn’t a man who chose to be in this life—but that relief died as fast as it had formed. Tiny cracks raced through my heart, spreading out like a spider web as memories from my first weeks with Lucas flashed through my mind. Tears pricked at my eyes and betrayal burned deep.
“Why didn’t you tell—how could you—you hurt me! You let William touch me.”
“I never let him touch you,” he snarled, his voice dark.
“You were going to rape me. Why didn’t you tell me from the beginning? Why didn’t—”
“Because I don’t know how long I have to be in this fucked-up life, Briar. I am undercover; this has to be my life. I have to play my part. Until you, I’d done my job flawlessly. Since you, I have failed every goddamn step because I couldn’t stand the thought of hurting you. But if William or any of the other men suspected anything, it would ruin everything.”
“You should have told me,” I cried out.
“Do you think I haven’t wanted to? Do you think I wanted to do any of that to you?” He was breathing roughly, and his eyes were wild.
I didn’t know what to think.
This was destroying him . . . I could see that—I wanted to believe that. But it had been a lie. Every part of the last four months with him had been. He’d been playing me from the beginning—using me. Once again, I’d been a pawn to someone else’s gain. And it hurt. It hurt so much.
“When I was approached by the FBI four years ago, they told me they needed help busting a drug lord. Easy. I never wanted to be part of that world again because I had just spent years trying to escape it, but fucking easy. And then I was thrown into this. I was told I had no choice but to keep going deeper and deeper, and then I bought you . . . and no matter how much it killed me, I knew I had to do what William had trained me to. Even though it’s against the rules, my biggest fear was that at any moment, William would show up unannounced. I knew if that happened I had to be prepared; I knew my life and my house had to be convincing, including my bond with you.
“And then that morning happened, and I realized what he was doing, how he’d tricked me into leaving you alone so he could get to you. I fucking panicked and nearly ruined everything with the way I reacted when I found him in that room with you because you—” He let loose a harsh breath, his chest rising and falling quickly as he gripped his hair. “Because you’d already buried yourself so deeply under my skin, and I didn’t know how to do my job anymore. A job that I’d more or less been doing my entire life,” he whispered, his voice dripping with exhaustion.
My head was shaking absentmindedly. Whether to try to block out and deny what he was saying, or because I couldn’t understand, I didn’t know.
“I don’t understand,” I said numbly. I didn’t recognize my voice, and felt so detached from it. “How was it a job you’d been doing your entire life if you said it had just been a few years, and what did you mean that it was a world you never wanted to be a part of again?”
He grimaced then glanced at me for only a second before looking down again—his hand immediately trailing over the tattoo on his left forearm. “I’m not a good guy, Briar. I’m not a cop, or detective, or someone who saves women and children from this kind of stuff. But because I’m none of those things, that’s why I was able to slip in with William.” He stretched out his legs in front of him and blew out a deep breath before continuing. “They’d been trying for years to get someone in, and no one had ever been able to. I . . . I was supposed to go into witness protection but was stopped before I was transferred. They came to me with the situation and why they thought I might work, and I agreed to try.”
When he didn’t continue, I asked, “But why did you work, Luca—or . . . what’s your name?”