I felt dizzy when those thoughts came flooding to my mind, and I realized I’d been right. This lesson was worse than anything I’d endured with the devil so far. Because now I no longer simply hated him . . .
Tears pricked the backs of my eyes, but I held back the choked sob when he forced my underwear down my legs.
“Are you going to say it?” he asked as he gripped my thighs and forced them farther apart. “Are you going to tell me that you hate me?”
My breathing was hoarse. My heart numb. I shook my head against the bed, and whispered, “I hate myself.”
I felt the shock that rippled through his body as if it were my own. “Briar . . .”
A few seconds passed in silence before my underwear was quickly pulled back up, and then his fingers went to the tie at my wrists, all the while I wondered if this was a trick.
“What are you . . .” he began softly. “What are you doing to—goddamn it, Briar!”
I jerked from the sudden roar of his voice and whimpered when my hands were released. Pain pounded up my arms, but I was unable to move them as they lay like dead weights at my sides when he helped me to my back again.
Lucas murmured something incoherent as he pulled my shirt back over my chest, then climbed off the bed to put on his jeans. Not bothering to button them, he took two steps away from the bed but paused and ran a hand through this hair, gripping it tightly. Seconds passed as he faced away from me, indecision rolling off his body. He then let out what sounded like a growl and stormed out of the room.
And I ached, but I wasn’t completely sure from what.
Chapter 18
Day 21 with Blackbird
Lucas
What is this girl doing to me?
She was going to be my ruin. And I couldn’t let that happen—couldn’t let her destroy everything even though destroying her was something I knew I had to do.
Had to . . . and couldn’t.
William had boldly and stupidly shown up at the house not long after the shopper had disappeared into the upstairs of the house with Briar, gloating about what he’d done to my blackbird earlier that morning and asking how the rest of the day had gone.
Not noticing how I’d been seconds away from tearing into him.
Ignoring that he’d broken the rules by teaching and touching what was mine.
Baiting me to see if I’d lash out again . . . but I’d already retaliated when I’d hit him. I’d already done all I was allowed to.
Between the men of this world? Lives were threatened to show power, but like for like was how the game was played.
All threats were taken seriously because the man joking with you today could be the man who decided you were a risk tomorrow . . . and then all bets were off.
Between William and me? Like for like would always be how it was played. Two of the most dominant and untrusting men were unlikely as partners. But keep your enemies closer was the only way of life we knew.
Despite the anger simmering in my veins and the need to turn my earlier threats into actions, I’d forced that calm to cover it the entire time he was there, and I answered his questions in the same bland tone he delivered them. Because I knew why he’d been so reckless to show up again, and I knew it was necessary.
He was testing me.
He wanted to see how I would react to him after most of the day had passed, and I needed to tread carefully.
I knew he was checking to see if there were signs I wasn’t doing what I should be—that I wasn’t teaching Briar the way I needed to. I knew he was watching every movement I made and any shift of my eyes to see if I was becoming attached to her in a way that wasn’t allowed.
For a second, I’d even started to believe my detached words . . .
And then it had all gone to hell when the shopper came downstairs and handed me that crumpled piece of paper, announcing in front of William whose number it contained.
Kyle. Her fiancé.
William’s eyes had snapped to mine. “What is the meaning of this?” he’d demanded.
I’d tried to control my panic and my anger, but I knew it had leaked out as I’d jerked my head once in denial. “She’s been lying about having a fiancé ever since I got her.”
William had stood then and taken a calculating step toward me. “Get control of that girl, Lucas, or I will do it for you.” His eyes had drifted to the ceiling, then back to me. “I’ll expect an update on what follows me leaving this house.”
Another test. Another warning that made me want to hit him over and over again. Another reason for me to remember why I had to teach the girl on the floor above me a lesson for what she’d done—why I had to break her.
And I’d failed again.
I’d spent a lifetime doing things I despised. I’d had to in order to survive. I knew how to shut off what I was thinking and feeling in order to do what needed to be done. But this girl . . . this damn girl shook my very existence and made it impossible to block it all out.
“I hate myself.”
Her broken voice played through my mind on repeat, haunting me with images of the shattered expression in her eyes and what I would have done to her . . .
I sagged against my bedroom door when a distinctive ringtone started playing, and reached into my pocket to pull out my phone. One glance at the screen had rage burning so deep inside me I nearly smashed the phone into the nearest wall in the few seconds it took for me to answer.
“What?” I growled.
Silence.
“If you’re going to call me, then speak.”
“What’s happened?” It was a demand, not a question.
“Nothing.”
There was only a beat of silence before: “I can’t help you if I—”
“I said nothing,” I hissed.
But the curse that filled the other end of the phone let me know he didn’t believe my bullshit. “I can’t afford to have you losing your mind now. Not after everything we’ve gone through to get you to this point.”
A loud, mocking laugh tore from my chest and then died into nothing. “Don’t take so much credit for my life. And there’s nothing to worry about. He was here about fifteen minutes ago; it’s done.”
“We need to go over—”
“I said it’s done.” I hung up without allowing the man to respond then let my phone fall to the floor as I stumbled to my bed and sank onto the mattress.
Memories I’d kept locked away for years struck like a tidal wave, breaking me open and tormenting me. Every mistake I’d ever made—each day with Briar—was laid out before me, pulling me further and further down until all I knew was suffocating darkness. Drowning me.
I knew I deserved it—this destructive darkness. It was all I’d ever been and all I could ever be. And if I could’ve then, I would’ve laughed for even imagining I could have something as good as Briar Rose.
Not in this world or any other.
Chapter 19
Stupid Girl
Briar
I hadn’t seen Lucas for three full days.
In all the time I’d been here, whether we’d spoken or I’d avoided looking at him, he’d still been there at least three times a day. And now he wasn’t.