I shook my head, my lips moving for a moment as I thought of everything I’d feared, remembering something I had forgotten. “I...was afraid to disappoint you all. I was afraid to hurt everyone by telling someone how I really felt... I just assumed I couldn’t choose among you because it hurt too much to choose just one.”
He moved a hand over to his chest, pressing. “Before I found out, I would have been upset if I saw you kissing Gabriel. But it was only because I’d have worried you didn’t like me.”
“I like you,” I said quickly and then my voice cracked at the end as it wasn’t the full truth of what I felt. It was just my immediate reaction to what he was saying.
He chuckled and then leaned in, touching his forehead to mine. “Kota got a shock, but I bet it was because of the same thing. The reason the rest of us weren’t really forward about a relationship with you was because we all assumed Kota had first dibs.” He coughed out another giggle and then quieted. “Sorry, that sounded weird.”
“But what does it mean?”
“He saw you first, and the rest of us weren’t going to make a move when it was clear he liked you and we all thought you just liked him. Or at least I could tell. But then you seemed to like me, too. So I was confused for a while. I didn’t want to hurt Kota by getting you to date me. That, and when we told each other not to pressure you when you were going through a bunch of stuff.”
For months, we’d all tiptoed around each other, not saying what we were thinking. I had known I was doing it, but I didn’t realize they were, too. “Kota seemed to sometimes want to...and then would back off sometimes.”
“We all did, for so many reasons. But Kota’s going to come around. He was the heart of our group for the longest time. He was the one that pulled us all together.” He paused and then his eyes narrowed. “It’ll change, soon, I think.”
“What do you mean?”
“We’re all in this for you now. It used to be him, but now it’s you.”
I backed my head up a bit. We were still close, nose to nose, and it almost hurt to look at his face. “I don’t understand. The heart?”
“We weren’t always close,” he said, a soft smile on his face. “North and I used to fight all the time. The doc and Mr. Blackbourne... Victor and Gabriel...we all kind of butt heads every now and again. Kota sets us straight. If we’re too mad at the others to keep it together, we focus on him. He just has this way of drawing us back in and making everything right.”
I pictured when Gabriel was upset with Victor for buying me too many things. I thought of North and Luke sometimes fighting, or North and Silas... there were other instances, too. I’d often wondered how they managed to stick together when they were so different. Was Kota responsible for all of it? “I didn’t know.”
He smiled softly and then leaned in, kissing me lightly on the lips. “You’re the heart now, Sang. You talked to Victor and Gabriel that last time, and they calmed down. You calm North down when he yells at me. You’re just like Kota. Give him time to sort it out for himself. He’ll see. Once he’s on your side, once he believes in all this, it’ll be different. And I think he will. He’s just like you.”
I stared at the black soundproof material along the walls and ceiling. The air coming through the roof above us had a bite of winter to it. I breathed it in, allowing it to fill my lungs. I wanted to believe Kota would go back to before I fainted, before he learned about Gabriel and me. I couldn’t take it back, but would he ever be the same?
Luke put a hand on my hip and smiled at me dreamily. “Unless you just want to run away with me to Australia.”
The idea of just getting out from under Carol and going far away enough it wouldn’t matter was a tempting one. Totally ridiculous, but for the moment, I was willing to play pretend just to pull myself out of the dark mood. “I’d need a passport, right?”
“Not if we take a boat,” he said.
Was that how it worked? But maybe I was thinking too seriously. I remembered a time we’d envisioned the diner together. We had elaborate plans. The diner had ended up different than what I’d pictured, but it hadn’t mattered. What we pictured didn’t have to come true. It was just fun to think about. “Do you know how to sail?”
“I could get Silas to teach me,” he said. “Or we could get a big yacht. Maybe Victor will buy us one.”
I giggled, shaking my head. “Why Australia?”
He chuckled and leaned in, his nose touching the tip of mine. “It’s summer over there. We could go to the beach.” He put an arm around me, his palm at the small of my back and tugging me close.
I blinked when he was too close to look at directly. “I’ll have to remember my bathing suit.”
“We’ll take anything you want. Unless we need two boats for it.”
“We need a bigger boat,” I said. “For all of us.”
He backed his head away, his face lighting up. “Let’s bring a chef. Someone to make us pancakes.”
“We’ll need chocolate chips.”
“And your mocha coffee.”
I beamed. “And all the candy and cakes.”
He grinned. “Hmmm, now I’m hungry.” He opened his mouth wide, and then lightly bit me on the nose. “Gnar, gnarh.”
I giggled, covering my mouth with my fingers just to smother the sound a bit out of reflex.
At the same moment, he redirected his bite to my hand, just over my mouth.
I stilled, a laugh erupting from my throat and I tried to squash it, and I squeaked.
He laughed softly and then reached up, removing my hand. “I thought we were past this part.”
My cheeks heated as he leaned in to kiss me.
It started with a slight press of his teeth against my lips in a pretend bite, but he quickly changed, puckering more, pressing his mouth to mine.
He drew my hand to his chest. His shirt was partially open, and he redirected my touch to his skin.
I froze, feeling his smooth chest, too intimidated to move. I wanted to, like how I’d seen girls in movies touching a guy she was with on the chest.
He deepened the kiss, and rolled to hover over me. His hand returned to my hip, and then slid up until his palm was touching bare skin at my waist.
His palm shifted to the small of my back, pulling me in.
My heart went wild. I nervously grasped at his chest.
My fingernails scraped gently at his skin.
I sucked in a sharp breath and released him quickly. I hadn’t meant to scratch him. My nails were a little longer after camp than I was used to, and I hadn’t gotten to trimming them.
He mumbled something against my lips, released my back long enough to hold my hand back up against his chest, keeping my hand pressed over his heart.
His heartbeat was as fast as mine.
He backed up a bit, opening his eyes slowly. His breath was warm at my face. “I’m supposed to get you to get up to leave, but I don’t want to. I want to stay here with you.”
“We don’t want to stay...” I whispered, holding my breath after.
He drew his lips in tight against his teeth and frowned. “You’re right. Not here.”
I sighed and tucked my head into his chest. “One day, I’ll be out of here. We won’t have to hide like this.”