It didn’t ease her pain. The president couldn’t bring him back. No one could bring him back. Not even God. He didn’t do that kind of stuff anymore.
Her emotions peaked, she sobbed for nearly an hour. She didn’t know when she would ever stop. Her tears would eventually dry up and she would have no more to shed. She had never felt such intense sorrow in all her 22 years. Where would she go? Who would she rely on? Her parents?
The thought made her cry harder. She was a married woman who had lived for three years with a man who showed her what love was all about. Now he was gone, ripped from her life abruptly. Her tears were intense and her bed shook as her body did.
“Lord!” She cried out. “How could this happen?”
Minnie heard a shuffling behind her and realized she had probably woken Billy up. She used the sheet on the bed to dry her tears and pushed herself up. She was going to be strong for her little boy. Even if it meant she could not show her sorrow in front of him. He was a year and a half old and wouldn’t understand why she was in such despair. It might harm him to see her so upset. She composed herself and went to his cradle, where he was sitting up, rubbing his eyes.
“Mama!” he called out to her. “Mama!”
“I’m here, sweet one,” she said, reaching into the cradle and picking him up. He was getting so heavy. “You’re already wake? Did you get enough sleep?”
“Mama cry.” He was staring into her eyes and she sat on the bed, resting him on her lap. His eyes were huge and blue, gazing at her intently. She brushed his blond hair back from his eyes and kissed his forehead.
“I’ll be okay, little man. I will be. You don’t have to worry.”
“No cry, mama!” Billy wrapped his arms around her neck and hugged her tight. “No cry!”
“I won’t, my son.” She buried her face in his small neck and shoulder. “I won’t cry anymore.”
But she knew she would.
Minnie hadn’t gotten any sleep at all for almost four days. Since the telegraph arrived, all she could do was wallow in her misery. Her mother was still being encouraging and supportive but her father was still upset and sullen. His mood was dark and angry. “He was a good boy!” He kept exclaiming whenever the subject was broached. “He was always a good boy! Good shot, too! Took him hunting! He was the best at it, best young boy I’d taught.”
There were many other things that had impressed him about Tom. He never failed to mention them. Minnie often wondered if he would ever stop talking about her late husband. It hurt every time she mentioned him. She wanted to avoid the subject and not think about it. She would never come out of mourning if he didn’t. The fact that she was now a widow with a fatherless boy was bad enough but to have it constantly ranted on about by her father was more unbearable than she could imagine.
She dragged herself out of bed, pulling on her robe as she did every morning. Billy had a strange schedule but she was glad of it. He slept more often than other babies she’d heard of. Her mother had appeared a little envious of it. Billy slept through the night and often into the next morning, allowing her to do other things before he woke up.
She glanced in his room and then went down the stairs to the kitchen when she saw he was still sound asleep as always. Her father and brothers had left for the day’s work and her mother was still in her bed. She sat listlessly at the kitchen table, unsure whether she wanted to make a cup of coffee or hot tea. Either way, she needed something warm in her body. It was chilly this morning. She didn’t expect it to warm up.
She sat there for a little while, gazing out the window as the sun rose. She didn’t want to go back up and get dressed for the day. She didn’t want to go through the process of brushing and caring for her long brown hair, fitting it into braids like she had done nearly every day of her life. She didn’t want to do anything.
She wanted to be with her husband.
But she had a tiny baby to care for. She wasn’t going to leave him here on his own without his mama or papa. She wanted to keep him safe from harm and not let him understand what was going on until he was much older.
She let her tears come again and wondered how she was going to continue on without Tom. She had no kind of income. She didn’t want to stay here with her parents and brothers forever. She’d had a life before, a very full life before Tom had gone to the war. She missed him every day. She missed him even when he was alive.
Her mother came through the door, surprising her.
“Oh mother. You scared me.”
“I’m sorry, dear.” Minnie’s mother came directly to her and put her hands on Minnie’s shoulders. “I wish I could make you feel better. I know you must be terribly hurt and upset. But it will pass. Time will heal your heart, darling.”
“I am afraid it will take too long. I’m afraid I will feel this way forever.”
Her shoulders shook slightly and her mother leaned over to hug her.