“Explain, Claire. Help me understand.”
Claire sat taller. “I feel happy and sad. I become aroused. But it’s all in moderation. I want the highs and lows I used to have. I don’t want to feel detached. It’s gotten a little better since you’ve made some adjustments. I want it to get all the way better.”
“Hmm. Those are valid requests. I know that from what you’ve told me you and your husband have had an intense past. Do you not feel like it’s the same?”
Claire shrugged. “It is and it isn’t. We’ve both been through a lot. We’ve changed. Our everyday life is everything I’d ever dreamt of. And yes, we’re physically compatible.”
“Well, physically compatible… that sounds sexually pleasing.”
Claire stood again, walked toward the side of the room, and pretended to look at the pictures she’d seen a million times.
“What is it, Claire?”
“I think the medicine makes it more difficult for me to…”
“To become aroused?” Dr. Brown suggested.
Claire nodded. “I think there’s something wrong with me. When we’re alone together, and Tony’s all sweet and loving, I’m not as into it as I am when he’s more possessive and demanding.” Claire turned toward Dr. Brown. “He’s not mean. I don’t mean that. I just like it when… jeez, I can’t believe I’m saying this.”
“What you’re feeling isn’t wrong. The medications you’ve been prescribed can affect arousal and sexual functioning; however, for you it appears more than that. Go on.”
“I like when we’re equal partners outside of the bedroom, but in it, I like when he’s in charge. I don’t want to need him to be that way. I want to be able to like the other times too.”
“Tell me about the other times.”
Claire sighed and closed her eyes. Sitting back down, thoughts of her husband came to her mind. “He can be romantic and giving. After all of this time he can take a normal night and make it feel like a date, as if it doesn’t matter that he spent his day making multi-million dollar decisions, as if now I’m the only other person in the world.” Her heart fluttered. “Honestly, that’s the man I fell in love with: the one who would listen to me and talk with me. I didn’t have anyone else: he was my world. I knew that he had other people, and I guess I felt special because he chose to spend his time with me.” Claire met Dr. Brown’s eyes. “Now, we both have other people and he can still do that, still make me feel like it’s only the two of us.”
Dr. Brown didn’t speak.
“Those times make me love him more than ever, and I want to reciprocate his love and gestures. I just feel like sometimes there’s a fog, a barrier that I have to push through. And when I hear a more demanding tone or feel a more possessive touch that block goes away.” Claire shook her head. “Before the medication I didn’t feel like this.”
“What happened early on in your relationship when you heard that tone or felt that touch?”
Claire swallowed the lump forming in her throat. “I responded.”
“You responded. What if you weren’t in the mood?”
“It didn’t matter.” Tears streamed from the corner of Claire’s eyes as she closed her lids. Finally she asked, “Are you saying that that’s what’s happening? I’m responding now, like a conditioned response?”
“What do you think?”