That morning in Thailand, the morning after the night I discovered I’d married a monster, I was in no hurry for Jack to wake up because I knew that once he did I was going to have to start playing the role of my life. I had spent most of the long night preparing myself mentally, accepting that if I was to get back to England quickly and safely, I was going to have to pretend to be a broken and frightened woman. I wasn’t worried about pretending to be frightened, because I was. Pretending to be broken would be much harder, simply because it was in my nature to fight back. But, as Jack had predicted that I would try to escape again before we left Thailand, I was determined not to. It was important that he thought I had already given up.
Hearing him stir, I huddled further into my blanket and pretended to be asleep, hoping to gain a little more respite. I heard him get out of bed and walk over to where I was sitting slumped against the wall. I could feel him looking down at me. My skin started to crawl and my heart was beating so fast I was sure he could smell my fear. After a moment or two, he moved away, but it was only when I heard the bathroom door opening and the sound of the shower running that I opened my eyes.
‘I knew you were pretending to be asleep,’ he said, making me cry out in alarm, because he was standing right next to me. ‘Come on, get up, you’ve got a lot of apologising to do this morning, remember.’
As I showered and dressed with him looking on, I took comfort from what he had said the previous evening, that he wasn’t interested in me sexually.
‘Good,’ he said, nodding approvingly at the dress I’d chosen to wear. ‘Now, put a smile on your face.’
‘When we’re downstairs,’ I muttered, playing for time.
‘Now!’ His voice was firm. ‘I want you to look at me as if you love me.’
Swallowing hard, I turned slowly towards him, thinking I wouldn’t be able to do it, but when I saw the tenderness on his face as he looked back at me, I felt a bewildering sense of displacement, as if everything that had happened in the last forty-eight hours had been a dream. I couldn’t hide the longing I felt and, when he smiled lovingly at me, I couldn’t help but smile back.
‘That’s better,’ he said. ‘Make sure you keep it there during breakfast.’
Appalled at myself for having forgotten even for a minute what he was, my skin burnt with embarrassment.
Noticing, he laughed. ‘Think of it this way, Grace—as you obviously still find me attractive, it’ll be easier for you to play the loving wife.’
Tears of shame pricked my eyes and I turned away, hating that his physical appearance was so at odds with the evil inside him. If he was able to fool me, if he was able, even for a few seconds, to make me forget what I knew about him, how would I ever be able to convince people that he was a wolf in sheep’s clothing?
We took the lift down to the lobby and, as we passed the reception desk, Jack steered me towards the manager and stood with his arm around me while I apologised for my behaviour the previous evening, explaining that because of the time change I had forgotten to take my medication at the prescribed time. I was aware of Kiko watching me silently from behind the counter and I couldn’t help hoping that something in her—some kind of female empathy perhaps—would recognise that my distress the night before had been genuine. Maybe she’d had misgivings when Jack had suddenly appeared in the room when I’d been changing in the bathroom and told her he would take it from there. As I finished my apology, I glanced at her, willing her to understand that I was playing a role and to call the Embassy after all. But, as before, she wouldn’t meet my eyes.
The manager brushed aside my apologies and escorted us out to the terrace himself, giving us a table in the sunshine. Although I wasn’t hungry, I made myself eat, aware that I needed to keep my strength up, and while we ate Jack kept up a steady stream of conversation, telling me—for the benefit of the people sitting at nearby tables—all the things we would be doing that day. In reality, we did none of them. Once breakfast was over, Jack took me along the road to the five-star hotel I had seen from the taxi the previous day and, after taking several photos of me standing in front of the entrance, where I used happy memories of Millie to put the smile that he demanded on my face, he walked me back to our hotel room.
‘I’d like to phone Millie,’ I said, as he closed the door behind us. ‘Could I have my phone, please?’
He shook his head regretfully. ‘I’m afraid not.’
‘I promised Mum I would phone,’ I insisted, ‘and I want to know how Millie is.’
‘And I want your parents to think that you’re having such a wonderful time with me on our honeymoon that all thoughts of Millie have gone right out of your head.’
‘Please, Jack.’ I hated the pleading tone in my voice, but I was desperate to know that Millie was all right and surprisingly desperate to hear Mum’s voice, to know that the world I once knew still existed.
‘No.’
‘I hate you,’ I said, through gritted teeth.
‘Of course you do,’ he said. ‘Now, I’m going out for a while and you’re going to wait here on the balcony so that you have a lovely tan to go home with. So make sure you have everything you need because you won’t be able to get back into the room once I’ve gone.’
It took me a moment to understand. ‘You’re not seriously intending to lock me on the balcony!’
‘That’s right.’
‘Why can’t I stay in the room?’
‘Because I can’t lock you in.’