She recognized Alec’s preternaturally impassive expression as his intent way of listening. Oddly, that calmed her. She recited the facts of Mark’s first manic episode, of how they eventually got a diagnosis, and of how they’d hidden it from everyone—even when he’d failed to control it—as dispassionately as if she were reading a teleprompter.
Inside, however, retelling the sordid details of her marriage and first love ravaged her. Colby hung her head. “He wanted a family, but I wouldn’t bring kids into that chaos unless he completed eighteen consecutive months of therapy. He couldn’t do it. Over time, the cycles and lies broke me down. Made me wary and suspicious. Exhausted. Angry.” She looked up at Alec. “I envied other couples I’d read about who managed that illness and made the relationship work. But I didn’t know what else to do or how to be a better wife. When Mark couldn’t be loyal or promise to be a stable father, I looked into divorce.
“My doubts took away the one stable thing in his life.” Her nose tingled. “I think it made it easier for him give up after Joe died. I failed him when he was sick. Sometimes I think I don’t deserve to find love again after being willing to walk away from it before. And then I worry that even if I take that leap, it will all turn to ash, just like before.” She looked at him now. “I want to love again, Alec, but I’m afraid.”
Listening to Colby’s story chilled Alec more than if he’d just been thrown into the frigid lake. Her gorgeous eyes, swollen with misery and shame, pricked his heart and conscience.
She deserved the truth about Mark’s suicide. God help him, he didn’t know how to dive in. “I understand how keeping secrets can drive you crazy and make you feel unworthy of anything.”
“I know you do.”
“Not just with Joe, Colby.” For a few short weeks he’d had her in his arms at night. Tasted her kisses. Seen her passion-weary. Savored the weight of her leg across his in the middle of the night. The scent of her skin and hair. Now, he worried he’d have to miss those things for the rest of his life. Maybe that was twisted justice, seeing that Mark never got to live the rest of his life thanks to him.
“Secrets and lies. A habit I don’t want to repeat again.” She swiped a stray tear before wrapping her arms around his waist and tucking her head against his chest. “No matter what mistakes you’ve made before, or how we disagree about stupid things like the menu, you’ve brought joy back into my life. You’ve reawakened the part of me that wants to love and trust. I can never, ever repay you for that, Alec. I want to give you what you need. Tell you what you want to hear. Believe that this happiness I feel again won’t scatter like dandelion fluff. Please be patient. And don’t be jealous of Todd or any other man, because there isn’t anyone more important to me than you.”
“Colby, I—”
“Shh. Just kiss me.” She rose onto her toes and kissed him.
If only a kiss would erase his guilty conscience. But how could he confess now, after she just expressed her fears about this fragile trust and joy vanishing. If she lost faith in her judgment again, she might retreat so deeply into herself she’d never find happiness with anyone. Neither solution to this puzzle had a good outcome. He didn’t like not knowing how to complete the picture . . . or even what the picture would look like when finished. Uncertainty convinced him to keep quiet. “I wish I had known about Mark’s illness before. I’m sorry you were so alone.”
“Not as alone as Mark.”
“I should’ve been a better friend. I’m sorry you’ve suffered for so long.” He hugged her so tight she coughed. He loosened his hold just enough to make her comfortable, but couldn’t quite let go.
When she sighed, the weight of her solemnity resonated in his chest. “Mark and I had started out planning for our lives to be a grand adventure. When I think about my future now, I just crave peace. I’ve done love the hard way. Now I want simple. Dependable. And no more looking back.”
He raised her chin and kissed her. No matter how perfect his kisses, they alone couldn’t offer her an uncomplicated life and an effortless relationship. Given his situation, he didn’t know how to manage that, but he sure as hell would try. No more wasting time on bullshit like jealousy and menus.
“You deserve love you can count on, Colby. Let me give that to you. I swear, I’ll do everything I can to make your life simple.” Even cheat, steal, and lie, which was pretty much what his continued silence amounted to. Hopefully karma would give him a pass for his good intentions. Then again, that road to hell . . .
Chapter Eighteen
Colby clipped the newspaper article about the Maverick Foundation’s upcoming fund-raising event that Gentry had submitted. The piece, she thought, should cause a few folks to look up the website and click on the “Donate” button. She stared at the grainy photograph of the executive committee. The one in which she’d been uncomfortably sandwiched between Todd and Alec. Her mother, blissfully unaware of any awkwardness, had smiled broadly for the camera. Julie, like Alec, remained inscrutable. To strangers, Sara’s smile probably looked welcoming, but Colby knew the difference between her forced and genuine smiles.
Miraculously, despite the fractures in the ragtag group, all their plans were coming together. Thanks to Alec’s initiative, something good would finally come out of the tragedies. The peace she’d been craving seemed just within her grasp. In fact, she’d been enjoying the foundation work more than running the restaurant and dealing with customers. If her finances weren’t tied to A CertainTea, she could see herself committing fully to a nonprofit career.
While she placed the clipping in a frame for her embarrassingly sparsely decorated office walls, Chris knocked on her door. Although the lines in his face had deepened since she’d first hired him as sous chef, his shoulders remained proudly thrown back. “Alec hasn’t returned. Has he called you?”
By the time she’d arrived at work this afternoon, she’d learned that Alec had left suddenly without explanation. She’d tried calling him, but it had gone straight to voice mail. Initially, she’d assumed the urgent matter had something to do with a supplier. Now she wasn’t sure.
A quick glance at the clock warned that the doors would open in twenty minutes. “Guess you’re in charge of the kitchen tonight.”
A grin spread across Chris’s face.
“Is there anything else?” She kept her gaze locked with his, her voice calm and steady, showing none of the turmoil gnashing her stomach lining.
“No.” Chris nodded and left the office.
She stared at the framed news clip with the dawning realization that it might have something to do with Alec’s absence. Colby impatiently tapped her pen on the desk and then dialed Alec again. Voice mail. Of course.
Why hadn’t he called? Then again, she’d told him she wanted easy, and his family didn’t exactly fall into that category. Mr. Morgan’s temper dwarfed Alec’s. A rising dread slowed her movements. What if Alec needed her and she didn’t get to him on time? Alarm triggered memories of Mark’s final moments.
She was getting ahead of herself. If something had happened to Alec, surely Julie would let her know. She texted him again.