Before I Ever Met You

And yet the minute that a light was shone upon us, we both balked. We both acted like nothing was happening because we both felt guilty. He can tell me how badly I want him and how I beat myself up over it and I’ll admit he’s right. I’m not sure how he knows that, if I’m that transparent, if it was wishful thinking, but he’s right. And the guilt has been eating me alive.

But that same guilt plagues him. Maybe it’s the cheating he did on Juliet, maybe it’s because of the same reason as it is for me, but he can’t pretend that his own desires and ego aren’t slave to the same machine.

So where does that leave us? What has changed now? That kiss woke me up, made me realize not only how deep my own feelings went, how badly my body craved what it couldn’t, shouldn’t have, but it showed me it wasn’t one-sided. Logan wants me too.

Logan wants me too.

I think that’s the one I’m having the most trouble with. Why a man like him would be interested in a girl like me is beyond my comprehension. It’s not a matter of false modesty and humility. I get why Charlie might want me (not that he does since he’s currently boning—or reboning—Kate) or maybe even Dan. But Logan is older. Probably the most handsome, manliest, most fuckable man I’ve ever met. And he can—and has—attracted the most gorgeous women. I’m just the cook at his hotel.

And, fuck, that’s another reason why all of this is a big mistake. You’d think I would fucking learn from last time, from throwing my future all away because I slept with my boss. I mean, what the hell am I thinking?

That question will get me through the rest of my day. It makes the hangover peel away and forces me to look at last night as a drunken, momentary lapse of judgment. Whatever feelings I have for Logan have to end now, because as we both proved last night, alcohol is a bad idea and being horny is never an excuse to do something you regret.

Because now I do regret what happened. I’m not going to dwell on it or beat myself up anymore but I am going to make sure that it will never, ever happen again.

When I head back into the unit, I’m full of new resolve. Meanwhile Kate is looking guilty, standing in the corner of the kitchen with a mousy expression and drinking coffee.

“Am I an idiot?” she asks me quietly.

“Are you kidding me?” I ask, putting my coffee cup in the sink. I fold my arms across my chest, grateful to worry about someone else’s mistakes. “Why, because you slept with Charlie?”

She nods. “I didn’t mean for it to happen.”

I smile. “That’s usually how these things start out. I wouldn’t worry about it, honestly. I mean, it’s Charlie. You told me about your relationship with him before. You work together, you got drunk, he’s a nice guy. It’s not a big deal.”

Kate doesn’t look convinced. She raises a brow. “Did you rehearse all that stuff to say to me?”

“No!” I quickly tell her. “No, not at all. It’s just…don’t feel bad. You’re not an idiot. Just…chalk it up to what it is and we’ll all move on. I mean, you’ll move on.” Her brow remains raised, and I clear my throat. “I’m, uh, going to go take a shower.”

Since I have the morning and afternoon free, I decide to Facetime with Claire for a bit (I purposely steer the conversation away from Logan), then I head to the Limahuli Gardens by myself. It’s located between the hotel and Ke’e Beach, and one of the places I’ve always wanted to go. And today I don’t want to be at the hotel at all and I don’t want the company. I’d rather be alone with my blackened thoughts.

The gardens are lovely and set high on the hills, cutting back into the sharp mountains of the interior. There are a few tourists here but it’s nice to actually be able to watch them. Some of them are families taking in the flora and fauna of the island, from macadamia nut bushes to coffee plants and taro. The kids shriek and run around while the parents either laugh or chastise them for disturbing people, but no matter the reaction, the fact that they’re a family remains.

I never had that. And Johnny’s words from last night come cutting into my brain. The crew at Moonwater Inn is my family now. Maybe not by blood, but by choice. And that has to count for a lot more. They’ve embraced me whole-heartedly, flaws and all, and they like me, not because they have to but because they want to.

And that’s why Logan and I could never work out. Because the moment you start sleeping with the boss, that’s the moment you put everything else at risk. Even if everyone could somehow get past the morally deplorable part of the arrangement, there’s that cold fact again that I would be fucking the one in charge and if shit hit the fan? Well I’d be out of a job. It wouldn’t matter our bonds, I wouldn’t keep working here. I’d be on the next plane back to Chicago.

I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to give up everything I’ve worked so hard for here. I don’t want to fuck up like I’ve fucked up before.

Even if it means shutting down the attraction I have for Logan, the feelings I’ve acquired, I have to do it for the sake of my new life.

Fuck, it’s not fair. But I should be used to that, too.

When I’m done at the gardens, I head across to Haena Beach and then walk back to the hotel along the shore, ready to face my new decision.

And the first thing I have to do is find Logan.

Of course, now that I’m actually looking for him, I can’t find him. He’s nowhere to be found during the day, and no one seems to know where he went. Only Daniel thinks he might be in Hanalei at Tahiti Nui but I’m just about to start my shift, so there’s no way I can verify it until afterward.

“Charlie,” I say at closing, as the two of us are washing up over the sink and Johnny starts turning off the restaurant lights. “Can you do me a favor and drive me to Hanalei?”

He looks both relieved and surprised. I bet he thought I was going to ask him about Kate. “What, now? Sure.” He pauses. “With me? You want to grab a drink?”

I think that over. Charlie wasn’t part of my plan but maybe it would be a bit weird—and definitely out of character—for me to have him drop me off. “Yeah, at Tahiti Nui,” I tell him. “I just feel like getting out of here.” I pause. “You think Kate will mind?”

He narrows his eyes at me. “If this is all a rouse to get me to talk about Kate, you can forget about it, sweet thing.”

“Not a rouse,” I tell him. “Your business is your business.”

“All right then,” he says warily.

It’s not long before we’re finding a parking spot in Hanalei. It’s late, so aside from Tahiti Nui and the bar beside it, everything has shut down for the evening. It’s kind of nice, actually. I love Hanalei—it’s the prettiest town on the island with the striking green mountains behind it and the smart-looking shops—but in the day it can get pretty busy.

Charlie and I head into Tahiti Nui, which has live music tonight in the form of a man and a guitar poised in the corner. It’s pretty crowded, considering it’s only open for another hour, but I manage to spot Logan sitting at the end of the bar, palming a beer.

“Hey it’s the habut,” Charlie says, looking over. “Should we say hi?”