Before I Ever Met You

“I’m aware of that,” he says. “But the past tense is was.”


I look at him sharply, like I’ve been kicked in the shins. “That’s a terrible thing to say.”

“It’s the truth, isn’t it?”

“She’s dead,” I cry out softly. “If she wasn’t, you wouldn’t be saying this.” I pause, the reality kicking in. “But, wait, of course you would.”

He flinches. “Easy now. This is about us.”

“There is no us without her, don’t you see that?”

His brows knit together as he stares at me, his jaw set hard. “All I know is how I feel. And I know how you feel too.”

“I never admitted anything!” I say, about to push him away for good.

But his hand in my hair makes a tight fist, pulling on the strands and he brings my face right up to his. “If you think any of this is easy, you’re wrong,” he growls.

And then he’s kissing me again and I’m a goner. His hand pulls at my hair and I moan into his mouth while his other hand grabs hold of my ass, yanking me into him. I feel everything all at once. I’m overloaded, like a million dreams have just been dumped on me from above. His hard-on pressing against my pelvis, my thighs clenching together, his tongue sliding against mine at a slow and languid pace, the hard and soft of his lips as he both soothes and devours me.

I’m not bashful either. I grab the back of his neck, feeling his hot skin, and I run my nails over his shoulders and the tight, hard muscle underneath. Johnny once told me the Hawaiians saw fire as a force that gave instead of took and here, as we stand on the beach, the waves crashing angrily at our feet, I understand what he means. We’re positively volcanic and the fire between us is growing and giving life to something else entirely. Something new. Something unstoppable.

“Logan?”

Daniel’s voice cuts between us like we’ve been doused with ice water. We both let go of each other and jump back, our chests heaving, fear in our eyes.

It’s then that I realize how wrong this has been. Our reaction says it all.

Logan clears his throat and starts marching down the beach toward Daniel’s shadow. “Over here. What’s going on?”

Daniel stops and I think he’s looking over at me. I’m not sure if I’m hidden by the bend of the plumeria bushes or not, I’m not sure if I have to hide. If we were just talking to each other, I wouldn’t be thinking it. But since we weren’t—since he was kissing me, and vice versa—now I have something to feel guilty about.

And do I ever feel guilty. As Logan talks to Daniel about what to do with some of the excess items from the luau, I slink back into the bushes and go the long way around the restaurant.

I know it’s wrong, I know I shouldn’t be running away like this, that I should stay and wait for Logan and talk about what just happened, set things straight, but I’m a coward. Right here and now, I’m a coward. I just want to forget that anything happened. I want to pretend that I don’t know what Logan Shephard tastes like, what his erection feels like, what his voice sounds like when it’s choked with lust for me. I need to forget it all.

I’m quiet when I get back into the unit, just in case Kate’s asleep. In fact, I don’t hear anything until I’ve washed up and I’m crawling under the covers. A set of murmurs and giggles comes from her room. I can pick out Charlie’s voice.

Fuck. They sound cute and happy together. Once again, what the hell did Daniel put in that punch?

It doesn’t matter because at least it makes me sleep. I put my earplugs in so I can drown out Kate and Charlie and then I’m dreaming.





12





“Kill me now.”

I blink a few times at the sound of Kate’s voice. At least it sounds like Kate. It could also be a toad. I’ve seen a lot of them on the lawn between the buildings. It’s croaking like one.

I roll over in bed because I can feel her hovering over me, and when I do it’s like the pits of hell open and a million fiery jackhammers are released, heading straight for my brain.

“Ugggh,” I moan, holding onto my temples.

“I know, right?” Kate says. “I think Danny boy was up to some real Bill Cosby shit with that punch last night. I feel like death.”

I slowly sit up and Kate thrusts a glass in my hands. “It’s coconut water,” she says. “It should help. I already drank the carton and I toasted all the bread we had. And then I ate it. Sorry.”

I wave her away and try and down some of the drink. “It’s fine. Wow. I’ve felt better.” I finally open my eyes fully and get a good look at her. She still looks pretty, though she has a slight green tinge to her skin and her mouth looks a bit swollen. As in bruised. As in, I know exactly what went on between her and Charlie last night.

You also know what happened with you and Logan, I remind myself and of course all those memories decide to come flooding back. Did that actually happen?

But it’s Kate who is looking at me with the extra-innocent expression which I know means she’s extra-guilty. I wonder if I look the same.

“So,” I say, biting my lip to keep from smiling. “You turned in early last night.”

She stares at me and her features harden, giving me nothing. “Yeah. Like I said. The punch. Bill Cosby. Roofies. That whole analogy.” She makes a dismissive gesture with her hand.

I match her innocent expression from earlier. “Charlie disappeared too.”

She shrugs and plucks the empty glass from my hand. “Maybe, I don’t know.” She walks out of my bedroom and over to the kitchen where I can’t see her.

“I saw you guys arguing in the parking lot,” I say loudly so she can hear.

“What? Oh. You know Charlie.”

“I also heard you talking and giggling last night when I was going to sleep. You know. From your bedroom.”

Total silence. She could butter the silence, it’s so thick.

“You don’t want to talk about it, that’s cool,” I say, getting out of bed. “I ain’t one to pry. But if you do want to talk about it, you’ll know where I am. Right here. Or in the restaurant. That’s pretty much it. And I’m all ears.”

To Kate’s credit she keeps mum about the whole thing, at least for the morning. I head out on the balcony with a large cup of coffee and watch the waves in the distance, listening to the soft coos of the tiny zebra doves that have perched along the railing.

And I ruin all that morning Zen and calmness by thinking about what the fuck happened last night.

Holy. Shit.

Logan kissed me. Logan basically told me he wanted me, was attracted to me, as much as I wanted him. And he wasn’t just leading me on, not in that way. I felt his desire, I felt everything I’d always wanted.