“You’re not cheap. You’re not easy. You’re like a rare fucking diamond. You want me? You want my attention? Why? I’m a mess. I can’t be what you deserve. I don’t even know how. And if I let myself touch you, enjoy what you just did in there, I’ll be ruined. You think you want me, but if you really knew me you’d change your mind. Then I would have had a taste of you and nothing would ever compare to that again. You terrify me. Scare me like nothing has ever scared me in my life.” His eyes were bright and wild. His hand was trembling as I dropped my gaze to stare at it, unable to keep our gazes locked. Everything else on him seemed tight. Stiff.
“I do know you. I’ve watched you my entire life. I’ve seen you at your worst and your best.” I didn’t yell those words. I just said them and let them hang there while I continued to let his words soak in. I hadn’t expected that from him. I still wasn’t sure if I might be dreaming. Could I be passed out drunk somewhere?
“I don’t do relationships, Lila.”
I lifted my gaze then. “I’m not asking for one.”
He seemed torn. His eyes narrowed. “Then what is it you want from me?”
I wanted many things. And I knew he’d never give me what I wanted. We would never have a happily ever after. That wasn’t Cruz. It never had been. “Now. Just now. This trip. Nothing more.”
He didn’t respond right away. He stood there staring at me like he didn’t believe me. He shouldn’t because I wanted more. I just knew I’d never get that. I wasn’t the girl to make him want more. He’d meet her one day and he’d change his mind. He’d be able to be that guy. The one who did relationships.
I’d heard my parents story a million times. My dad hadn’t been that guy either. My mom had been the one to change his mind. It happened to all of them eventually. I knew I wasn’t that one for Cruz and I should let it go and walk away. But I couldn’t. I wanted to know for just a moment. How it felt to be with him. There was a chance I’d get him out of my head and heart then. I’d move on and find someone else. That Cruz Kerrington wouldn’t always be in my thoughts.
“Nothing but this trip?” he repeated my words like a question.
I nodded.
“Did you hear the part about ruining me?”
I gave a small shrug. “We both know that won’t happen. I’m not the one. You haven’t found her yet.”
He frowned. “The one?”
“Yes. The one. The girl you’ll want forever with.”
He shook his head. “You’re messing with my head. I swear.”
“Are you attracted to me?” I asked him boldly. I could thank those double shots of whiskey for that.
“That’s not the point here. I don’t know if I can . . . can just have a fling with you, Lila. There are feelings there. I don’t like fucking feelings. Not with women. I can’t hurt you, and that’s what I’ll do.”
I took a step toward him, placed a hand on his chest. This was a gamble, but I was brave right now. I wouldn’t be in the morning. I’d gone this far I needed to push further. “You can’t hurt me if I know the rules. We enjoy this. Have a fling. Then move on like we’ve always been.”
He dropped his gaze to my hand. “What if you ruin me?”
“Take a chance,” I whispered.
“Fuck,” he muttered in reply. Then his hand wrapped around my wrist, and he jerked me up against his body. I barely had time to catch my breath before his mouth was on mine. The taste of our drinks mixed with the headiness that I had won. For now, I had this. It was my decision, and I hoped that this got him out of my system so that I could eventually move on.
“No more bars,” he said against my mouth. “Back to the hotel. And we’re not staying in two fucking rooms.”
I didn’t argue. I just gave a nod of my head in agreement. This was it. It better not be a dream.
Cruz Kerrington
THERE WERE SMART decisions and stupid decisions. And then there were mistakes. I wasn’t sure where this one landed, but with Lila in my arms smelling like heaven, and the image of her dancing on that table was all that I cared about, at the moment.
I broke the kiss, grabbed her elbow and headed for the hotel. We were staying at a hotel just a few blocks ahead on the corner of Canal and Bourbon. I realized, as I all but ran without speaking, that deep down I was worried she’d sober up and change her mind. If I were half the fucking man I should be, I wouldn’t let her do this tonight while she was drunk . . . while I was drunk.
But I’d tried to tell her what a screw up I was. She seemed to see more in me than was there. I wanted there to be more. I wanted to meet her expectations. When I was a kid, I had seen the look in her eyes, and I knew she saw me differently than she saw Nate. I loved that. I was different. It made me feel important. Then I’d kissed her, and it had scared me.
I knew then Lila Kate wasn’t for me. I wasn’t the kind of guy she’d want for long. She’d see too much eventually. It would change her mind. And she’d never gaze at me with that dreamy look in her eyes again. The idea I could lose that caused me to put a wall there. One built by hurting her. It had worked. Until now. Until I’d heard she’d left town and I chased after her, because I couldn’t stand the idea of her finding a life without me in it.
As we entered the hotel, I paused and glanced down at her. The girl from my childhood. The girl I’d always watched but never allowed myself to get close to. The one I pretended like I didn’t know why she avoided me.
“Are you sure?” I asked her.
“Yes.”
I waited. I needed her to think. Let it all sink in. “We could sleep tonight. Wait until the morning.”
She smiled. A soft one that made her eyes glow and made me feel like more of a man than I should. “Tonight,” she finally said.
Fuck if I could ignore that. We would have tonight. If she regretted it in the morning, it might break me. But I was willing to chance it.
The trip up to her room was short but so many thoughts ran through my mind it felt much longer than it was. She touched her card key to the lock and it flashed green. This was it.
The door opened. We walked inside. My room was identical to this one. Just next door. I’d made a joke about it when we checked in. I wasn’t joking now. I should be in that room. Alone. It was the right thing to do.
“Lila,” I said thinking I should stop this.
She dropped her small shoulder purse on the floor then took the bottom of her shirt and pulled it up over her head. The white lace bra was small and the swell of her breasts looked as if they were about to spill out over the top exposing her nipples. Her shirt dropped to the floor beside her then she reached around and unsnapped her bra. I watched with fascination as the straps slid down her thin tan arms until her bra joined her shirt on the floor. Her round dark nipples pebbled from the chill of the room or from her excitement drawing my attention.
I moved, closing the space between us. Unable to keep my hands to myself I covered both her breasts with my hands. Although my hands were large they weren’t large enough to take each breast completely. The excess excited me and I squeezed letting the softness tease my hands.