Rosie shrugged, already in the process of cutting her halves into bite-size chunks. ‘Not really. What else is there to say?’
‘Mum didn’t use the word “depressed”,’ I said, not sure where I was going with this. ‘She said Suzanne was sad.’
Rosie laughed, but not meanly. ‘Isn’t it annoying that she tries to sugar-coat everything for you like you’re five years old?’
‘Well, yeah, but I’m not sure that’s what she’s doing this time. I asked if that meant she was depressed, and she said this is different.’
‘Different how?’
‘I have no idea.’
‘What difference does it make anyway?’ Rosie picked up her first chunk of Danish. I’d already finished mine. ‘The end result is the same.’
I had a feeling that it made quite a big difference, and that Sarah had used sad as opposed to depressed quite deliberately. But the nuances of the two words, the look on my mother’s face and even the tone of Rosie’s voice seemed to belong to a world I didn’t understand, no matter how much I strained.
And then the answer came to me, so obvious I wasn’t sure why it had taken so long. ‘We should go and see her.’
Rosie paused, flakes of Danish still on her fingers. Her forehead wrinkled slightly. ‘What do you mean?’
‘We should go and visit Suzanne,’ I said. ‘Which bit is confusing?’
‘But Sarah said not to.’
‘No, she didn’t, she just said the birthday weekend was off. We should take her presents.’ We’d bought Suzanne’s card together, along with a toy elephant and a hanging butterfly decoration for her wall.
Rosie exhaled a sceptical ‘hmmm’, then said, ‘I don’t think that’s a good idea. She obviously doesn’t want to see people. What if you go there and Sarah’s like, “What are you doing here? I told you not to come”?’
‘Then we can leave. But at least we’ll have made the effort, and that might help.’
‘Help with what? You don’t even know what’s wrong with her.’
I wondered if she was being obtuse on purpose. ‘Well, obviously it’s something to do with her family.’
‘You shouldn’t assume stuff like that.’ Rosie picked up the last chunk of Danish and popped it into her mouth.
I tried to ignore my rising frustration and keep my voice level. It was a waste of time for me to try to argue with anyone, especially Rosie, because I lost every single time. I was too weak to hold my ground. Soft all over, too easily dented.
‘It doesn’t matter anyway,’ I said, trying my best to regain control over the conversation. ‘Either way, she’s unhappy and we’re her friends, so we should go and see her on her birthday.’
Rosie considered this, her brow still scrunched. Finally she said, ‘I do see what you mean, but I still don’t think it’s a good idea. We don’t know her like we know each other, you know?’
I didn’t see what that had to do with anything.
‘I just mean that maybe we should let this one go and wait until we see her again,’ Rosie said. She was watching my face carefully. ‘If it was you, I’d definitely go anyway, whatever you said. But it’s not you, and I don’t know how she’d react, so I really don’t think we should risk it.’
Despite my rising certainty that I was right on this, I was touched. She did still like me best, after all. She did recognize what our friendship had that theirs never could.
‘Well, I’m going to go,’ I said, making up my mind. ‘I’d rather you came with me, but I’ll go by myself if you don’t.’
Rosie’s eyebrows had risen. ‘Are you going to go today?’
‘Tomorrow. On her actual birthday. Maybe I’ll take cake!’
‘Sarah will have baked a cake,’ Rosie pointed out. She was still looking at me with a look of curious surprise, as if I’d announced I wanted to learn to play the accordion or take up poi.
‘Oh, good point. Maybe flowers then. I wonder if you can get sunflowers at this time of year.’
‘Sunflowers?’
‘Sure, why not? They’re the most cheerful flower there is.’
Rosie regarded me for a moment, an odd expression on her face. Then, cautiously, said, ‘Can I ask a question that is going to sound weird?’ When I nodded, she said, ‘Why does this matter to you so much?’
The question did sound weird, and I wasn’t sure how to answer. ‘Well, why doesn’t it matter to you?’
‘It does. I mean, Suzanne does, obviously. But I’m happy to wait until school to speak to her. I don’t think either of us needs to go above and beyond. Especially you – you only know her through me. We haven’t been friends for that long, not really. I don’t see why you can’t just wait.’
Because Suzanne had no one else. Because I’d never really had the chance to go above and beyond for a friend before. Because she clearly needed friends who were prepared to do this. Because no one should be alone and sad on their birthday, even if they thought they wanted to be. Because, and I didn’t know how I knew this, she would do the same if it was me.
‘I think it would be a nice thing to do,’ I said.
‘Nice doesn’t always mean right,’ Rosie said infuriatingly.