Beast: Learning to Breathe (Devil's Blaze MC #5)

“That’s it, sweetheart. Hold onto me. You’re not alone now,” I reassure her, feeling elation glide through my body as her small, trembling arm drops away from her body centimeter by centimeter, until her hand is close to mine. It’s all I can do not to grab it. I can’t. Hayden has to be in charge.

Whatever has happened to her in the past, it was major and she had no control. It broke her and robbed her of something vital…something precious. That’s about all I understand right now. I will know more. Her hand finally touches mine, trembling so hard it jars my hand. I hold my breath as even slower her fingers fan out to encircle my hand. Then a miracle happens. Hayden’s thumb hits the deepest groove on my hand the one that runs from the knuckle to the wrist and begins brushing over it, following the scar one way and then backtracking the other. Over and over she does that—three, four…five times. With each time though, I notice her eyes slowly thaw. Her breathing, though still ragged doesn’t wrack her whole body, making it quake.

I inch closer to her, keeping my hand still. “That’s it, Beauty. Come back to me,” I whisper, my voice cracking, giving her the nickname without realizing it.

“Mi…Mi…Michael?” she stutters, and finally, I breathe normal. She’s back.

I keep our hands joined. It might be my imagination, but I think the scar pattern on my hand is helping to keep her calm. Yet, as best as I can with one arm. I pull her into my lap, holding her close. She instantly curls into me, trusting me. I keep our joined hands between us and just hold her. I let the fingers on my other hand hold onto her shoulder and rest my chin on top of her head. She’s burrowed into my body, but with each passing minute the shudders ease.

“I got you, sweetheart. Nothing will get to you while I’m here. I promise,” I tell her, going with my instinct and giving her the words I think will mean the most.

“Don’t leave,” she whispers, her hand tightening on mine.

“I’m not, Beauty. I’m not going anywhere,” I promise her, but I find myself looking over at the Pastor while I say it. Maybe because he tried to get me to leave, I couldn’t say. He studies me for a minute, then walks out the door, leaving me alone with Hayden. “I’m not going anywhere,” I vow once more, looking down at our joined hands and watching her thumb sweep against my scars. “I’m right here for you,” I tell her, “I’m right here.”

God help me…Hayden’s gotten inside of me…





38





Hayden





I made a fool of myself…in front of Michael’s friends. I can’t think about that right now. I refuse to let myself. I choose to concentrate on the feel of Michael’s arms around me. His hand is underneath mine and that’s my lifeline. I hold onto his hand tightly, my thumb instinctively finding the deepest scar and brushing against it. He’s kissing the top of my head like he would a small child. It’s nice. It feels safe and that’s a miracle for me. I’ve never had safe…never. Every so often, he gives me those words—promises that he will keep me safe, and for the first time in my life, I believe them. Michael’s scent wraps around me, further penetrating the haze of fear I had locked myself inside of. It’s a stark combination of musty leather and aftershave mixed in with the smell of pine trees after a rain. My mind automatically breathes it in because I love the way it smells outside after rain. As if everything is clean and ready to begin again. I’ve always wished I could do that. Let the rain wash away the past and feel…clean.

“You better, sweetheart?” he asks, and I should tell him yes, because I am.

I find myself reluctant though, because I don’t want him to let me go, and I really don’t want to feel the embarrassment of my lost control just yet. So, I don’t answer verbally. Instead, I bring his hand to my stomach where Maggie is moving. I hold his hand over my daughter, part in gratitude, and partly because I’ve never got to share this with anyone else. Maggie pushes against his hand, my stomach hardening with her move. I can’t be sure, but I like to think her little butt is moving and pushing against my hand. It’s different than a kick. It feels like she’s hugging me.

“She’s worried about her Momma,” Michael says, his voice a little stronger, but it cracks. He clears his throat, and I know my time with him is getting shorter. He’ll want to go out to his friends. I can’t face them. I can’t believe I lost control like that in front of Michael’s friends. Yet, instead of getting mad, he’s holding me, pledging to keep me safe. How different would my life have been if I had Michael in my life years ago?

“Thank you,” I tell him, but I stop there, because I’m not sure how to list all the things I’m thankful for. “You should go out where your friends are,” I tell him, reluctantly, giving him an opening, but still not letting go of his hand. I’m not sure I can yet.

“You need to rest. You and Maggie,” he tells me, and he somehow manages to get up off of the floor, all while holding me. He takes our joined hands and uses them to help hold me, but he doesn’t take his hand away, or break the way I’m holding it, and I’m glad.

I let him carry me like a small child into the bedroom and lay me down there, all without saying a word. I don’t get scared when he lays down with me, immediately holding my hand again and curving his body so he’s spooned into my back, our joined hands falling over my stomach.

“Close your eyes. I’ll stay for a little longer and then go talk to everyone. I won’t be far away, even then. All you have to do is call for me and I’ll be here, Hayden. I promise,” he tells me, and it might be weak of me, but for once I don’t mind being weak.

I close my eyes and concentrate on the feel of Michael surrounding me, his hand in mine and the sound of his breathing. Then I let myself fall asleep feeling safer than I have ever felt in my life.





39





Beast





I lay here until I’m sure Hayden is sleeping. The temptation to stay with her remains, but I know Dani and the others will still be out there. I force myself to get up and leave Hayden, and I can’t even pretend not to miss the way it felt to hold her against my body. I’m fucking up royally here. I just don’t know how to stop it. Fuck, I even find myself kissing the top of her head again, before I pull the covers over her body.

Once I get outside, I take a deep breath of air, hoping the clean air will return my rational thinking and somehow detach me from this invisible chain that seems to link me to Hayden. It doesn’t.