Beast: Learning to Breathe (Devil's Blaze MC #5)

I’ve seen her stomach through her clothes. I’ve never seen it revealed like this. It’s smaller than I originally thought, which means Hayden is a fuck of a lot skinnier than I realized. But, her stomach does have a noticeable bump with the skin stretched tight accentuating it. With all the times I’ve seen her in those oversized clothes, somehow, I expected her stomach to be larger. Right now, it seems so small…delicate…something in need of…protection.

I watch as the nurse squeezes out a jelly-like substance on Hayden’s stomach and proceeds to spread it around. I watch her move the wand around and adjust buttons on the machine. All at once the noise blasts from the machine. My body stiffens as I hear it. It’s been a long time since I’ve heard that noise. The last time was when Jan was pregnant…with my daughter. This isn’t my daughter…this is Hayden’s…but still it does something to me. It’s a clear sound, strong, steady; the sound of it hits me. I didn’t want to be here. I didn’t want to hear it. This child is nothing to me. But…hearing the heartbeat causes a warmth to hit me. I want to write it off as nothing, but before I can attack the emotions that are being unleashed Hayden reaches out and grabs my hand. Now it is shock that courses through me.

The other day in the car, Hayden moved her thumb over my scars. I still hadn’t processed what her touch did to me. Here she is, reaching out grabbing my hand, holding it tightly in hers, and she’s doing it all while her child’s heartbeat is echoing around us. I look down at our joined hands. Mine are scarred and inked. Hers are pale, small, with long slender fingers, and the nails trimmed short and unadorned. It looks wrong. It feels wrong. Yet…at the same time it feels…right. Fuck.

I should pull my hand away. Yet, for some reason I don’t. Then the nurse turns the screen around. Her words get lost to me. They’re drowned out by the beating of the child’s heart and the roar in my ears. But my eyes are glued to the screen as she points to different areas on the screen. She shows the head and legs and inside the body you can see it. The small, flickering beat of a tiny heart.

The sight on the screen shouldn’t mean anything to me. The child is not mine, but instead, there’s this warmth inside of me, spreading through parts that have been cold for far too long. A purpose. A sense of duty comes over me. I wasn’t able to save Annabelle. I failed. This child, I can protect her. God knows the woman suddenly clutching my hand right now needs a protector. Which means so does her child. An innocent child. In a world of darkness innocence should be protected.

I can do that. It won’t set right my failures of the past. Yet, it might help me to breathe without feeling like I shouldn’t. Perhaps this is why I was spared. To be here in this exact place for this child.

“It’s Maggie,” Hayden whispers, and I look down at her. There are tears streaming down her face. Silent tears, but tears of joy. She’s a puzzle. I had her pegged to be just like Jan, but there’s no doubting that she’s happy. There’s no doubting she cares for this child. I don’t know what to do with these urges to protect them. I don’t know what this means. The only thing I can be sure of is that I can take care of Hayden and this child. I can make sure they’re safe. That’s my reason.

My purpose.





28





Hayden





“That’s the first time I’ve seen her. They don’t like to do ultrasounds until you get further along. I’m only four months. So, I hadn’t been able to see her. Wasn’t she the most beautiful baby you ever seen?” I ask Michael as we make it out to the truck.

In response, he gives me his trademark grunt. It makes me grin. A true grin. It’s one that makes me feel warm and happy. He seems so tough and cold, but I looked at his eyes as he watched the screen. Maggie got to him too. That has to mean I was right, and he’s one of the good guys. I’ve seen evil...I’ve lived with it and that is not who Michael is. I feel safe around him. That couldn’t happen if he was like the others. I was right in letting my guard down around him.

“If you hadn’t seen her before then how do you know she’s a girl?” Michael asks.

The tech didn’t reveal the sex of the baby. She said she was being shy.

“I don’t know for sure, but I just have a feeling. She’s definitely a girl,” I tell Michael, and his reply is a grunt, and I can’t stop myself from laughing this time.

I pull my eyes away from Michael, and watch as we turn back on the road. I expected him to head us in the direction of the house. Instead, he turns in the direction of town. Before I can question him, he grunts out—a word this time.

“Hungry,” he rumbles out, and there’s a moment of panic. I might be congratulating myself on letting my guard down and trusting my neighbor, but it’s panic just the same. Something about going out in public with him seems...scary. That doesn’t make sense. I mean we were together at the doctor’s office. I held his hand when I looked at my child for the first time. How can sharing a meal with him be scary? It’s still there though. That feeling of panic and flushed heat that makes my heart pound against my chest.

As he pulls into the diner, I try to convince myself it’s because we’re going to eat at the place I work. My co-workers will assume that he and I are dating. Which we’re not. That would be preposterous. I mean, all you have to do is look at him and you can see that Michael would never pick someone like me to date. We’re just friends. I’ll make that clear and everything will be okay. It’s just a lunch meeting with friends. People have those all the time...right?

Well okay, I don’t, because I don’t really have friends. But I’m sure for regular people, a lunch together would be…normal. I’ve always longed for a normal life and maybe that’s what is happening. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling so panicky. I’m getting a real life, finally. One my brother can’t ruin, and one no one can take away from me. With that thought, I am out of the truck and meeting Michael in front of his truck the minute we park.

Michael gives me a frown, the kind that could make my knees quake—if we weren’t friends. But since we are, I just grin up at him. This earns me another grunt. He puts his hand on the small of my back and directs me toward the front door. His hand is warm against my back and momentarily flusters me as we go through the doors.