I shoved a hand against his chest, pushing him back a step. “No, I’m not okay.”
Unable to meet his dark eyes, I turned away and stalked over to the window, where I looked down at the parking lot. Watching the old lady from unit 6D take out her trash was better than letting Nolan see me cry.
“Fuck,” he muttered.
He crossed the room to sink down on the couch. He looked so out of place on the dainty, floral-patterned thing, I would have laughed if my stomach weren’t tied in knots. His large frame, muscular build, and strong jaw dusted with a five o’clock shadow was at odds with my feminine apartment, with its splashes of purple and cream everywhere.
I turned to face him, my hands on my hips. “It’s stupid, right? I knew from the beginning that you’d never be mine. But silly me, somewhere along the way, I started to think maybe, just maybe you’d want more . . . with me. But now I see that—”
“You see what?”
My eyes flared on his. “That if those are the kinds of things you’re into, I’ll never be able to give you what you need.”
“Damn it, Lacey. I’d never make you feel like you had to do those things.”
Something between a gasp and a forced laugh escaped my throat. “You’re an asshole, Nolan.”
“I need to explain some things to you. Will you sit down?”
I was so angry that my skin felt hot all over, but something inside me needed to hear whatever asinine excuse he was about to come up with.
“Fine.” I sank onto the couch beside him.
He scrubbed a hand over the back of his neck. “Daniella’s a submissive.”
“You already told me that.” My voice was flat and emotionless. If he was going to rehash this shit, I was going to kick him out on his ass.
“Yes, but what that means is that she needs discipline, punishment, restraint. That’s what you saw tonight. It wasn’t sex. In fact, I haven’t slept with her since you came here.”
My gaze snapped over to his. Okay, that was unexpected.
“Why?”
“Good fucking question.”
“What I saw was pretty damn sexual if you ask me,” I spat back.
The woman had been completely nude, with an instrument of some type in her anus. I was assuming Nolan had been the one to put it there.
“Fair enough.” He swallowed. “But seriously, I need you to know that I’d never ask you to do what you saw tonight.”
Quiet and contemplative for a moment, I dared a glance up into his eyes. “I never said I wasn’t willing. Maybe if I understood it, and I . . . had the right partner . . .” I swallowed, unsure what I was even asking for.
Based on his expression, I’d just shocked the shit out of him.
He took a moment to compose himself, seemingly unsure of how to proceed. Then he took my hand, stroking his thumb along the back of my knuckles.
“Still, I don’t need kinky sex. I wouldn’t want you to feel like you had to do something that made you uncomfortable or confused. I liked the tender moments we’ve shared. I’ve liked going slow with you, which, trust me, is totally out of character for me.”
Still confused, my heart still aching, I watched him with guarded eyes, waiting for him to continue, waiting for any of this to make sense.
“What you saw tonight was what Daniella needs, so I provide it. When she came to me, broken and alone, I just . . .”
“It’s okay, you don’t have to explain.”
I knew Nolan’s protective side was fiercely loyal. He’d been filling a role Daniella needed. Nothing more. But he’d also completely closed himself off to love, and that was my real issue with Daniella’s presence in his life.
“I’ll explain anything you want me to. I’ve tried to be up front about all this from the beginning.”
“Do you love her?” The words startled me, leaping from my mouth without permission. I held my breath, waiting for him to answer.
With a deep line etched between his brows, he met my worried stare. “I don’t know. She’s my friend and I care for her. We’ve been there for each other for a long time.”
I nodded. Two years was a long time. Attachments had been made.
“You’re my light, my warmth, and my sunshine,” he continued, stroking my hand. “You chase away the shadows in me. And she’s my dark, submitting to every wicked desire I have inside me. My yin and my yang.”
I didn’t want to be someone’s yin or yang. I wanted to be his everything. And suddenly I felt angry. I wanted to snatch my hand away and make him leave . . .
Until the guilt of my own secret weighed down on me, reminding me that I had no right to judge him and his lifestyle when my being here had all been based on a lie.
But even though it had started that way, real feelings had developed. My heart was on the line now.
“Are you asking me to choose?” he asked.
Blood pumped faster in my veins. What if he chooses her?
“I just . . . just need time to think,” I stammered. I would rather take my chances with the bad guys than give an ultimatum to a man who didn’t want me.