But then she stopped in her tracks. “Nolan?”
“Yeah?” I turned my head to see her staring at me from halfway down the hall.
“Could she ever . . . change what we have?”
Her voice was so sad, her eyes so dark. Sympathy squeezed hard inside me.
“No. Never,” I heard myself say. “You know I’m never going to settle down with a wife and kids.” I smiled at her to tell her it was the absolute truth. “That’s not me, babe.”
She grinned back. “I know that. You’re like a wild horse. Roaming free, not meant to be tied down.”
“Exactly.”
“You’re always going to want a sub on the side.”
I didn’t say anything else. What could a man say to that? I just watched Daniella head to her bedroom, until I heard the door click shut behind her.
Looking back down at Sutton, I cupped the dog’s jowls and stared into his saggy brown eyes.
What the fuck was going on here? This wasn’t the first time I’d turned down Daniella, but before, it had always been for some concrete reason. I was nursing a hangover, had to get up early the next day, whatever.
I still wasn’t sure why I didn’t want Daniella right now. Why my thoughts kept returning to Lacey, like iron filings drawn by a magnet. Why I felt a strange gnawing that I couldn’t put my finger on—a nagging sense of unreality.
As a Navy SEAL, I’d suffered through blood, sweat, and tears. I’d escaped from six years of hell and built the life I’d always wanted. Easy pleasures. Good friends, good sex, good whiskey. A laid-back, well-paying job where I could come home to my own bed every night.
Right now, though, all those hard-earned rewards were starting to feel insubstantial. But what more did I want out of life? What more was there? The only thing that quieted this strange dissatisfaction was . . . thinking about Lacey.
I let go of Sutton’s squishy face. I couldn’t figure out what I wanted or what to do about it. And even though Daniella had said everything was cool, I’d heard the edge of frustration in her voice. She’d really been hoping for some relief tonight. She downplayed her disappointment, trying not to make it my problem, because she wasn’t the manipulative type—but I could tell she wasn’t happy with me. And I couldn’t help but feel kind of shitty about disappointing her.
It was as though she sensed that, as my feelings for Lacey grew, my connection to her was fading—and that made Daniella want to cling to me even harder. I didn’t blame her. The idea that Lacey could represent the end of life as we knew it . . . that terrified me too. Daniella and I had been each other’s security blanket for so long, and change was scary, even when it might lead to something good.
I stood up. Enough of this bullshit. I needed to get off my ass and do something productive, and if that something was just to consume a fuck of a lot of whiskey, so be it. I needed advice too, and Daniella wasn’t the right person to ask. I also wanted to get out of the house to avoid the guilt trip I was sure was coming later.
I pulled out my phone and texted Greyson: You home yet? Want to get a drink at West’s?
When Greyson replied, Sure, I’m not doing anything tonight, I clipped Sutton’s leash onto his collar and went out. We should take advantage of the warm, breezy weather while it lasted, before the evenings got chilly.
I walked the few blocks to West’s, found a free table on the back patio, and tied Sutton to its umbrella pole. I ordered whiskey on the rocks for me and a bowl of water, which I set on the ground for Sutton. Greyson arrived a few minutes later, grunting a low “hey,” and ordered a beer.
After a few minutes of sipping our drinks in silence, I put down my tumbler. “I was hoping I could ask you something.”
“Really? And here I was, thinking we were just out on a nice date.” Greyson rested his chin on his fist. “I guess that means I’m paying for my own drinks tonight.”
“Screw you,” I replied without heat. “It’s about Lacey.”
Greyson sat back and raised his glass to his lips again, nodding in a silent go on.
I stared into my amber drink. “She’s all I think about, man. I want to see her all the time, make her smile. It’s making me wonder . . .” I let myself trail off because I sounded like a Grade-A *.
“Wonder what?”
I threw up one hand in exasperation. “That’s it, man. I don’t fucking know. Wonder about my life. Whether I’m going in the right direction.”
“So, what you’re saying is, you like her.”
“No shit, Sherlock. I generally don’t fuck women I hate.” Actually, I hadn’t fucked Lacey at all. We hadn’t gone that far yet. But somehow, I felt more from one of Lacey’s touches than I’d let myself feel in a very long time.
“I meant that things are starting to get real.” Greyson raised his eyebrows for emphasis.