"Do you see a phone up to my ear?"
She crosses her arms. "That seemed like a lot of groveling. What did you do?"
"Nothing that bears repeating. What's up?"
She looks over her shoulder to the ballroom, then back to me. "I need a favor."
"Okay. What is it?"
She chews her lip for a second then says, ""I need you to kiss me."
Just when I thought this night couldn't get more bizarre.
"Zoe, I appreciate that you're helpless in the face of my overwhelming sexual appeal, but as I’ve already told you, I have a girlfriend."
She looks at me like I'm speaking Swahili. "And?"
"And even though she'd probably like to smack me in the face right now, she's placed a long-standing reservation on my lips, so I can't help you."
I try to go around her, but she sidesteps to stop me. "Wait. Just listen a second, okay?"
"Come on, Zoe. It's almost time for the countdown."
"I know, that's why I'm here." She has this pleading, desperate look in her eyes that ruins my resolve to not get involved in any more drama tonight.
"Okay, what's this all about?"
She moves closer. "Look, I don't want to marry you, Josh. I just want you to kiss me at midnight."
"Why?"
"To make Jack jealous."
I cross my arms over my chest. "Why aren't you kissing Jack instead? You guys seem close."
She laughs. "That the problem. We've been hooking up for months, but once he's done with his booty call, that's it. He leaves, and I don't hear from him again for weeks." Her confidence falters when she says, "I'm sick of being treated like a fuck buddy. I want ... more."
Man, I feel like Dr. Phil tonight. I've spent more time dealing with other people's dramas than concentrating on my own.
"Have you told Jack you're not happy with the way things are?"
She looks at me with incredulity. "What, and risk him laughing in my face? No thanks."
God, this girl has so many walls, she could rent herself out as a paintball arena.
"Zoe, don't you guys ever drop the bullshit and just be real with each other?"
She looks at the ground. "That's not how we are."
"Then how the fuck do you expect to have any kind of relationship? You don't even know who you are underneath all your insults and banter."
She leans back against the wall and drops her head. "Being mean to him is easier than showing him how much I crave his attention." Her voice has gotten so quiet, it's hard to hear her. "It's ... safer."
She seems so terrified of vulnerability, I feel sorry for her. "I understand opening up is scary, but only being intimate with Jack when you're having sex is like going through life eating breakfast cereal for every meal. It might be satisfying in the short term, but eventually, you're going to need some real food."
She looks up at me in confusion. "I don't eat cereal. Too many carbs."
I roll my eyes. "I'm not talking about food, Zoe. It's a metaphor for your inability to truly connect with Jack because of your intimacy issues."
"I don't have intimacy issues." Her defenses flare for a second, but then she goes limp, and she says in the smallest voice, "It's just ... when I think about opening up to him ... telling him how I feel ..." She looks up at me. "I get so nervous, I want to hurl. I'm not used to caring about anyone the way I care about him."
"Do you love him?"
She stares at me, brows drawn down. "That's the scariest part of all. I think I do."
I put my hand on her shoulder and smile. "Well, admitting it to yourself is a good place to start. Now you just have to say it to him."
Just then, Jack appears at the end of the hallway and squints at us. "Zoe? Is that you?"
I squeeze Zoe's arm. "Okay, showtime."
Zoe's expression fills with panic. "What, now? No, Josh! I'm not ready."
"Yes, you are."
"No! I can't do this."
"Yes, you can."
"Shit!"
When Jack moves toward us, I push Zoe up against the wall and kiss the hell out of her. For a second she freezes in surprise, but then she pushes her hands into my hair and kisses me back.
Goddammit, my hair's going to be completely ruined after this. The things I do for people.
To make a good show, I moan and run my hands over her body. She does the same to me. Our kiss seems to go on forever, and for a horrible second I fear Jack has stormed off, but then a hand clamps over my shoulder and wrenches me backward.
"What the fuck, man?!" Jack's face is bright red. Okay, maybe this was a bad idea. He looks like he's ready to kill me. "Get the fuck away from her!"
I wipe my mouth. Jesus, that's a lot of lip gloss. "Sorry, man. I thought you guys were just friends. Didn't realize there was something more between you."
Jack looks at Zoe, then back at me. "Yeah, well ... there is."
"Oh. So, you're dating?"
It's clear Jack is nowhere near ready to make these kinds of admissions, but what the hell. These two need to stop dancing around each other and start the new year with a bang. Literally.
"Yes, we're dating," Jack finally admits. "Among other things."