She laughed — that asshole.
“Oh my God,” I groaned as I plopped onto a stool next to her. “I’m broken. Bodie broke me, and now I’m ruined.” My chest ached, and I slammed the rest of my tequila to burn the pain away. “I don’t want to do this, Ronnie.”
Veronica smiled at that, just a little, just enough. “Well, well. I’m not gonna lie. I kind of hoped this would happen.”
I sucked in a tiny breath and gaped at her. “Did you fucking set me up?”
She shrugged. “I had a feeling you needed a push. I mean, you definitely needed a shower, so even if that was the only thing that came of tonight, I was going to call it a win.”
I set my glass down with a clink and glared. “You dick.”
But she reached for my arm, her eyes caring even if she was a douchebag. “Pen, you said you didn’t want to do this, Cody, tonight, boy-hunt, whatever. So what other choice do you have? You want Bodie, right?”
“Yeah, I do.” I didn’t know why I wanted to cry, but I did. It had been at least ten hours. I was due.
“Then what are you gonna do about it?”
A tingle worked across my skin, either from the tequila or the realization of the truth.
I couldn’t go back because Old Penny didn’t exist anymore. Old Penny had lost her heart to Bodie.
He had changed me, rearranged me, and as I sat in that bar with an empty glass in my hand, I knew I’d never be the same. Even if I’d fucked it up, even if I’d lost him forever, I’d learned something very important.
I wanted to trust someone else with my heart.
Bodie had shown me what it was like to be with someone I trusted, someone who cherished me and whom I wanted to cherish. He’d taught me that letting someone in was a risk, but the reward was immeasurable. I’d let him in, and I’d gotten hurt because I’d fought the feeling. For a second there, I’d fallen into him and let myself go, and that second had been so glorious, so perfect, that all I wanted to do was get the feeling back. I wanted to get him back. I wanted to give him everything in the same way he’d given everything to me.
I loved the way he made me feel, loved his mind and body and soul, loved the way he cared for me, the way he’d let me breathe and given me exactly what I’d needed, even when it hurt him. Even when I hurt him.
The truth of the matter dawned on me like a ray of sunshine, illuminating what I’d known all along.
I didn’t want to trust just anyone with my heart. I wanted to give my heart to Bodie.
It was already his.
Right then, I knew I would do whatever it took to get him back. Even if it didn’t work and even if there was no way back to him, I had to try. I had to fight for him.
The sweet relief of decision knocked all the weight off my shoulders so I could breathe again, and that pilot light in my ribs fired up, igniting me with purpose. And as an idea came to me, I only hoped he would give me one last chance.
22
BAIL
Bodie
I dropped my hands into the ocean on either side of my board to wet them and ran them through my drying hair. Jude and I had been waiting on a decent wave for long enough that I was ready to call it.
I sighed and glanced down the line of surfers — all sitting on their boards off Rockaway Beach looking bored — then at the beach, dotted with sunbathers. It was my first session in New York, and if things had gone differently, Penny would have been one of those dots on the beach. She would have been my dot on the beach.
I imagined her letting me teach her how to surf, imagined her on a board laughing, and my mood sank even further.
“Ugh, man. Quit being so fucking mopey.”
“This sucks. Let’s just go.”
He rolled his eyes. “Quitter.”
“Bro, this is bullshit. We rode the subway for an hour to get here with boards and wetsuits, and it’s nothing but closeouts. I told you to check the fucking reports, man.”
“I did,” he said with a huff.
“Liar. Nobody’s getting a decent ride today. It’s not happening, so why the fuck are we still sitting here? I mean, I appreciate you trying to cheer me up and all, but the longer we sit here, the more pissed I am.”
“You’re just bitchy because of Penny.”
I narrowed my eyes at him.
He held up his hands. “Look, I’m not judging. I’m just saying.”
“I’m not calling her, dude,” I said for the hundredth time.
“I don’t see why not. We were busy before, but we did it. It’s over, so now you can figure out what you want to do about her. It couldn’t hurt to just talk to her.”
I rested a hand on my thigh and turned to him, making a face. “Seriously? Because if I talk to her and she says the right thing, I’ll be right back where I started.”
“Why’s that a bad thing?”
“Because I don’t know if I can trust her. Don’t you think I want to call her? Don’t you think I want to go right back to the way things were? Because I do. I want to so bad, I can’t even stand it. But the problem is that there is no going back, and I don’t know if Penny’s capable of going forward.”
“What if she is and you just don’t know it?”
I sighed and shook my head. “I dunno, man. I don’t know if I’m ready to put myself through that again. I’m scared of her. I care too much not to be scared. Maybe I just need a little more time. Space.”
“Yeah, because that’s going so well for you.”
He wasn’t wrong. I’d been reserved and in my own head ever since the concert, even worse since she’d come over with tacos.
I ran a hand over the smattering of stubble across my jaw. “I almost call her every day. I just don’t even know what to say or how to handle her. I don’t know what she wants from me or if I can even give it to her anymore. Because if she wants to pretend like we don’t care about each other, I’m out. I want her. I want her for keeps, and I’m through playing games.”
“Then you need to tell her.”
“Man, you don’t fucking get it. I can’t just tell her. I can’t guide her through this; she’s got to figure it out and let me know. If I tell her what I want, who’s to say she won’t agree without really understanding what I’m asking of her? I can be patient, but I can’t teach her this. I can’t tell her what to do or what she wants.”
“Don’t you think she deserves the chance? She’s waiting on you.”
“Yeah, well, she shouldn’t,” I said, my throat tight as I lay on my belly and paddled away, angling for a wave that wouldn’t last more than six feet, but I didn’t care. I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to participate. I just wanted it all to go away.
I popped up onto my feet and rode the wave until it folded in on itself. When the barrel disappeared, I bailed, diving off my board and into the ocean, opening my eyes underwater to watch the wave roll away from me upside down, taking my hope with it.
23
WHAT PART OF Σ=Λ(?·U)I+2ΜΕ DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?
Bodie