Bad Penny by Staci Hart
To all the girls who aren’t afraid to be who you are,
even when the world would judge you.
* * *
And for all the girls who dream of throwing off the yoke of expectation:
You can. You should. You will.
1
DICK LIPS
Penny
“Did you know that a man’s lips are the same color as the head of his dick?”
I took a long lick of my ice cream to punctuate the question. Ramona choked on hers, and Veronica, our other roommate, laughed openly and a little too loudly for a public place. A few people in the ice cream parlor turned to look.
“I’m serious,” I said. “It’s a real thing. I can vouch for it. I’ve seen a lot of dicks.”
Veronica snorted. “Oh my God. Stop it.”
Ramona couldn’t stop giggling. The three of us sat at a small table on the patio of our favorite ice cream joint, which was conveniently located around the corner from our apartment. It was hot. June in New York is no joke — though nothing compared to August — and that day was particularly humid without a cloud in the sky to give us reprieve from the blazing sun. Hence, the ice cream, shorty shorts, and tanks we all wore.
Curse of getting ready to go anywhere with your roommates. Everyone matched.
It happened more than I’d admit to openly. But we were attached at the hips: we lived together, worked together at Tonic — a tattoo parlor— and boy hunted together. Well, I hunted boys, Ramona played with her engagement ring, and Veronica rejected all potential suitors. The only difference in our appearance was the color of our messy buns: Veronica’s was pitch-black, Ramona’s was platinum-blonde, and mine was a silvery shade of lavender that I’d stuck with for three whole months. It was nearly a record.
“Like take this guy for example,” I started, nodding into the ice cream parlor where a group of guys sat just inside the rolled up garage doors.
We all looked, not even pretending to be inconspicuous. Everyone knows no one can tell if you were looking at them when you have sunglasses on.
Two of their backs were to us, but the third faced our direction, and, boy, was he a looker. He was in a sort of muscle shirt, which sounds horribly douchey, but he pulled it off well enough that I wished he’d pull it off. He was tan and dirty blond with biceps that had curves like a rollercoaster and a tattoo on his shoulder that I couldn’t make out from the distance. Black Wayfarers sat on his nose, and when he laughed at something one of his friends had said, I swear his smile blew a circuit in my brain.
“Wait, which one are we looking at?” Veronica asked.
“Blondie. With the arm porn,” I answered. His lips were wide and full, a dusty shade of pink that sent a little tingle between my legs. “So, check his lips out — they’re like the perfect pink. Like not too pink. You just want a nice, neutral shade, nothing extreme. Don’t want any surprises when he unleashes the beast.”
Ramona snickered. “That is a neat trick, Pen. I swear to God, I can picture it now. I bet it’s pretty,” she said dreamily before licking her ice cream.
My bottom lip slipped between my teeth. “Mmm, I bet it is too. Shaped like a pretty little mushroom with veins in all the right places.”
Veronica groaned with her mouth full of ice cream. “You are so gross.”
I made a face at her. “It’s not my fault you don’t appreciate the finer things in life. Like a gorgeous dick.”
A laugh burst out of her, and I smiled. She could pretend she thought dicks were gross, but I knew it was a boldfaced lie. I’d heard her calling for Jesus behind the wall we shared — though it was rare enough that I found myself constantly on a mission to get her laid.
Blondie glanced over and caught all three of us looking. A slow smile lifted one corner of his lips, and I found myself mirroring him.
The girls and I didn’t look away because we were utterly shameless. And with him looking at me like that, I did what any woman with a pulse would do: I held his gaze and did something blatantly sexual to my ice cream.
His eyes were on my lips. I was pretty sure at least — he had on sunglasses too, so he could have been watching the granny who sat behind me. But I knew I had him when his smile faltered, his brows rising just a hair, and a little shock worked through me, a rush that set my heart ticking a little faster.
Veronica hit me, effectively knocking my elbow out from underneath me and sending the tip of my nose into my cone.
“Hey!” I said with a simultaneous pout and scowl.
She only laughed and picked up a napkin to wipe my nose off for me.
“You are so fucking boy crazy,” she said with a laugh. “Get serious.”
“Never.” I let her wipe off my nose. I’d earned that. “And what’s wrong with being boy crazy?”
“Nothing,” Ramona answered for Veronica and in my defense. “You’re happy chasing all that dick, and it’s super entertaining to watch.”
“Thank you,” I said gratefully and stuck my tongue out at Veronica.
“You’re welcome. If we were on The Golden Girls, you’d be Blanche.”
A laugh shot out of me. “Duh, she’s my spirit guide. A different beau every episode. A drawer full of crotchless panties. A lot of dramatic flailing.” I licked my cone with my eyes on Blondie, who was still watching me too. “And Veronica would be Dorothy. Forever single and an absolute killjoy.”
Veronica rolled her eyes. I heard it from behind her sunglasses.
“Who would I be?” Ramona asked.
“Sophia, except taller. Or Rose but with less anecdotes about cows.”
We broke into more giggling. Maybe the heat was making us punchy.
“Anyway, the dick-lip thing works for women too.”
Veronica chuffed. “Oh? You can tell the color of our dicks?”
“I wonder if it would apply to a clit.” I hummed thoughtfully. “But no, our lips are the same color as our nipples.”
Ramona froze, her red lips dropping open in a little O. “Oh my God, it’s true.”
“I know it is.” Eyes locked on Blondie, I stuck out my tongue to swirl around the top of my cone. I closed my lips over the top of it real slow, making a show of it.
He gripped the edge of the table.
Ramona shook her head. “I’m never leaving the house without lipstick on again.”
Veronica snorted.
“Isn’t it weird?” I asked. “It’s like nature was like, This is your mouth. It’s for eating and putting genitals in. Let me color-code that into your brain, so you don’t forget that lips are for food and fucking.”
Ramona chuckled. “Only you, Penny.”