“He did not,” she breathed, mouth open.
“He fucking did, that cockgobbler. He sang to me, and then he kissed me. Onstage. In front of everyone. Including Bodie.”
She cupped her mouth with her hands.
“Yeah. So beyond fucked up. That stupid fucker with his stupid fucking hands on my ass, like he had any right to touch me. And what could I even do? A hundred phones were pointed at me, and frankly, I was stunned stupid. But the second I could get away, I chased Bodie out — because of course he’d left; I would have left me too — and we got into this huge fight. Then Rodney came out, and Bodie punched him in the nose.”
She was blinking now, hands still over her mouth.
“And then he left us there, and Rodney was being Rodney, so I punched him in the eye.”
“You didn’t!” she said from behind her hands.
I held up my right hand, knuckles out, and rested my head against the headrest, closing my tired eyes.
“Get the fuck out of here. How are you going to work today?”
“I don’t even know.” All that water I’d had to drink hit my stomach and began to reverse direction. “Everything sucks. Literally everything. I just want to go home and die slowly, alone, in my bed.”
“Are you gonna talk to Bodie?”
“I don’t know, Ramona. I don’t think he wants to see me again.”
“You have to try. You can’t just walk away. You can’t just give up.”
I shook my head, heartbroken and exhausted and worn down. “I don’t want to talk about it, not right now.”
“But—”
I held up a hand and burped with my lips closed. “Ramona. I need to get through today. And—” Bile raced up my throat, and I scrambled out of my chair. “I’m gonna puke.”
I ran to the bathroom, hitting the john just in time for the volcano to blow, the mass quantities of alcohol I’d consumed leaving me in a burning rush. And the minute that hell was over, my stomach almost sighed, having exorcised the demon, leaving my body feeling frayed and threadbare but less like it was going to expire.
I only wished the same could be said for my heart.
* * *
Bodie
It was after noon by the time I finally woke. I’d slept like I was dead, a deep, dreamless sleep. But I woke feeling like I hadn’t slept at all.
My stiff body creaked and groaned to life, and when I rolled over and slid my hand under my pillow, pain shot up my forearm and into my heart.
I’d clocked Rodney.
I’d lost Penny.
I flipped onto my back and hooked my arm over my face, sending me into darkness. Images flashed behind my lids like a horror show. Penny watching Rodney, her blue hair foreign, a change I’d known nothing about, a change that had felt like its intention was to isolate me, separating me from her. Penny up on that stage with Rodney’s lips against hers, lips that were mine, lips that had been avoiding me. His hand on her ass and his face buried in her ear — that was the thought that hit me over and over. It had been the thought in my head when I put his face through the meat grinder.
I shouldn’t have left her there with him on the sidewalk. I shouldn’t have left her at all. I shouldn’t have said what I had, but I didn’t want to take it back either. I’d suppressed how I felt for so long that there was no holding it back, not after a fifth of whiskey and Rodney’s hands all over her.
I was wounded, and I didn’t know if I’d get over it.
The cold truth was that, over the span of the last week, since the wedding, I hadn’t seen her. She’d blown me off, leaving my calls and texts largely unanswered, and then, when I’d finally seen her, it had been a nightmare.
The more I thought about it, the more my hope sank.
Penny hadn’t said or done anything to admit that she cared for me, nothing concrete, nothing real. In fact, the way she’d been treating me over the last week only pointed to a simple, undeniable fact.
She just wasn’t that into me.
Everything I’d thought I felt, I’d made up and imagined. I’d read too much into it, and here I was. If she wanted me, I’d know. There would be no cat and mouse, no games to play. No waiting to answer or avoiding each other. And at the end of the day, that had to be my answer.
Operation: Penny Jar was a massive failure after all. I’d knocked the jar off the shelf and it had shattered, leaving broken glass and shiny copper all over the floor of my heart. I was the asshole who had ended up getting hurt after all.
My heart hardened under my sternum, calcifying and shrinking at the realization that it was over. Maybe it had never gotten started. Maybe she’d never cared about me at all.
I flipped off my sheets and climbed out of bed, wanting to leave my thoughts on my pillow but they followed me around like a ghost.
Phil and Jude were already at their computers, and they turned when I shuffled in wearing nothing but sleep pants, rubbing my eyes.
“Morning, sunshine,” Jude sang.
I humphed.
“How’s your head?”
“Fine,” I grumbled as I poured a cup of coffee. “I don’t remember coming home.” I took my mug with me to the island and sat on a stool, facing them, back against the cool counter.
Jude smirked. “You ate half of a cold pizza, drank a gallon of water, and ranted for two hours. I’d give you another high five for decking Roddy, but I don’t want to hurt you.”
I inspected my hand, bruised and cut up and aching, just like my heart. “Fuck that guy.”
Phil watched me. “You gonna be okay?”
“Don’t really have a choice, do I?” I took a sip of coffee when I should have let it cool off, and a scalding trail burned down my chest.
“I don’t mean to be a dick,” Phil started, which indicated he was about to be a dick, “but you’ve been gone, distracted, checked out, man. We’re so close, but we need you to get to the end of this thing. I want you to be happy, but she’s driving you crazy, and we don’t have time for crazy right now.”
I nodded, eyes down and heart sinking. “It’s over. And I’m here. I’m ready. No more distractions. This — the game, you guys — this is my priority. I’m sorry I’ve been tied up with her.” Mistakes. Regret. It’s over. “She’s out of my system,” I lied and stood. “So let’s do this.”
They smiled, though their eyes were sad, and I headed back to my room to put on a shirt.
When I picked up my phone, I found myself looking for her name, for a text, a call. Anything. But I only found the time. And the time said to move on.
So I powered it down and tossed it into my nightstand where it could stay in the dark.
19
TURN BACK, ICARUS
Penny
“Don’t worry, Penny. Tacos will make everything better,” Veronica said as she hooked her arm in mine.
This was untrue. Tacos could solve a lot of problems, but Bodie and I were not one of them.