—7—
TWO YEARS AGO
VLOG #203: TOP SURGERY
REN: Holy. Shit. You guys.
This is it. This is the big fucking day.
I’m here with my gracious caretaker, the world’s cutest redhead, the ridiculously smart, charming—look, she’s already blushing. Say hi, Ellis.
ELLIS: Hi, Ellis.
REN: What a nerd. You guys, Ellis is one of my favorite humans on the entire planet. And she agreed to vlog with me today, because— [Video turns black-and-white. Maudlin violin plays.]
REN: Actually, there’s something I need to get off my chest. It’s . . . it’s my tits.
ELLIS: [Groans.]
[Music stops. Color returns.]
REN: You totally laughed this time.
ELLIS: I did not!
REN: You made a noise.
ELLIS: Of dismay.
REN: Still counts.
Anyway, bad puns aside, I’m psyched. Today is Top Surgery Eve. My last day with these stupid water balloons stuck to my chest.
ELLIS: This is a huge milestone. I’m really proud of you, Ren.
REN: Want to touch them one last time?
ELLIS: [Blushes.] What?
REN: Do you?
ELLIS: I’ve never—
REN: I’m just saying. This is your last chance.
ELLIS: No, but . . . thank you.
REN: She’s so cute when she squirms.
ELLIS: Shut up.
REN: God, Ellis. I’ve been waiting for this day since . . . well, when I was twelve and running through the park, thinking, “What are these things, and most importantly, why?”
ELLIS: Puberty is the worst.
REN: It is. It’s like, “Hey, we heard you refused to pick a binary gender, so we picked one for you. Do these boobies fit? No? Well, enjoy your future mastectomy.”
ELLIS: It’s so wrong that it happens that early. Puberty should happen in, like, your thirties.
REN: Oh god. Can you imagine that world? Raging hormones and acne when you’re supposed to have your shit together.
ELLIS: Some people transition in their thirties.
REN: Poor souls. We salute you.
[Jump cut.]
REN: So, Ellis here is driving me to the clinic tomorrow morning. They’re going to knock me out and when I wake up I’ll be flat-chested again. Like I always should’ve been. I’m getting a double incision, which means he’ll cut along here. [Draws a line beneath his pecs.] Recovery is brutal. I have to wear a compression vest with tubes hanging out to drain blood and pus and whatnot. Plus I won’t be able to raise my arms for a week.
I have never been so excited to feel like absolute shit.
ELLIS: This is seriously brave of you.
REN: No, it’s brave of you. You’re the one who’s gonna have to clean that shit up.
ELLIS: [Frowns.]
REN: This is a two-man ordeal, so Ellis is taking care of me during recovery. Because she’s the fucking best.
ELLIS: It’s the least I could do, since you wouldn’t let me pay for it.
REN: Oh, stop.
ELLIS: And someone has to be there for you.
REN: Right. Someone who cares.
ELLIS: Someone who understands this is a lifesaving operation. Not a cosmetic one.
REN: [Eyes Ellis for a moment.] I owe you, E. Big-time. This is going to be one of the defining moments of my life. I’m glad you’ll be here for it.
ELLIS: Me too.
REN: If you weren’t so gay, I’d kiss you.
ELLIS: [Blushes.] You can. Like, platonically. On the cheek.
REN: I’ll platonic the fuck out of you.
[Ren tackle-hugs Ellis.]
[Jump cut.]
[Their hair is mussed.]
REN: Once I’m in recovery, E’s in charge of filming. If I say wacky shit while I’m high on codeine, edit it out, okay?
ELLIS: You’re no fun.
REN: You want to fuck with me while my former boobs are bleeding? Monster.
Anyway, we’ve got a long day ahead tomorrow. Wish me luck, Internet.
I’ll see you guys on the flip side.
———
[Caption: Day One]
[Ren is lying in a hospital bed, his chest bound with bandages.]
REN: [Moans.] Fucking . . . fuck.
ELLIS: How do you feel?
REN: [Slurs.] Like they shot me. Twice. Then stabbed the bullets. Then . . . set me on fire.
ELLIS: You’re on enough codeine to knock out a unicorn.
REN: What? Wait . . . there’s a unicorn?
ELLIS: You are so high. [Laughs.] Are you okay?
REN: Is it me? Am I the unicorn? What the hell. Ellis. Why did you make me a unicorn?
ELLIS: I’m sorry.
REN: Ellis. Ellllissss. [Laughs.] Words are weird. Do I have a horn?
ELLIS: Don’t laugh, you dork. You’ll pull the stitches out.
SURGEON: Ah, he’s awake. How are you feeling, young man?
REN: You fucking sadist.
SURGEON: [Laughs.]
———
[Caption: Day Two]
[Ren and Ellis are in a hotel bathroom. She shaves his face while he stares at himself in the mirror. His eyes are wide, filled with wonder.]
———
[Caption: Day Three]
[McDonald’s drive-through. Ren leans across Ellis to order several different Happy Meals. Ellis stares through the windshield with a long-suffering look.]
———
[Caption: Day Four]
[Ren films Ellis frantically spritzing the hotel room with air freshener.]
REN: Stop being polite. Spray that shit directly on me, dude.