Brandon uncrossed his arms and scrubbed a hand over his head. Shit. Trish was supposed to have waited for him to talk to Matt. As much as he’d like to blame his ex-wife for jumping the gun, Brandon knew it was his own fault. He’d been putting it off because he hadn’t known how to broach the subject with Matt. His job as the parent was to protect his child, to shield him from hurt. The truth was, he hadn’t wanted to have the discussion in the first place. He’d sort of been hoping Trish would have changed her mind.
Brandon stepped into the room, searching for something to say. An apology seemed inadequate but, damn, his kid was confused just like he feared would happen.
“She said you and her talked about seeing her next summer,” Matt announced.
“Well…” Brandon started to explain, then stopped himself. “Yeah. But you and I were supposed to talk about it first.”
“Why?” Matt turned his pleading gaze to Brandon. “Why would we talk about it first?”
Brandon blew out a breath and scrubbed a hand down his face. “Matt…it’s a delicate situation.”
“Are you going to try and keep me from her?” Matt asked, point-blank.
The question came out more as an accusation, which Brandon wasn’t sure if Matt intended. His gaze was hard and unyielding, and this certainly wasn’t the reaction he’d anticipated. He sat on the floor next to Matt and leaned against the footboard. “Of course not,” Brandon immediately answered. But when Matt stared back, unblinking, Brandon explained further. “Matt, I don’t want you to be hurt again.”
“Because I get it,” Matt went on.
They sat in silence for a moment, each trying to process the sticky situation and sort through their feelings. Trish had been absent from their lives for so long, and yet she was still causing turmoil.
“Do you want to go see her?” Brandon asked.
Matt played with his phone, turning it over in his hand and running his finger across the screen. “I don’t know,” he answered with a shrug. “I haven’t felt anything for her in so long that I…” He blew out a breath. “It’s just weird, you know? Talking to her after all this time.”
Yeah, Brandon knew. He knew better than anyone.
“I used to hate her,” Matt said in a low voice.
Brandon gazed at his son, staring at his strong profile and the dark stubble that darkened his jaw. He saw so much of himself at that age, and yet Brandon had done his damnedest to make sure Matt grew up better than him. To teach him not to make the same mistakes Brandon had.
“You never hated her, Matt,” Brandon answered. “You loved her. That’s why her absence always hurt so bad.”
Matt didn’t answer, only shrugged his bare shoulders, which Brandon took as agreement. He knew because he identified with Matt’s pain, with his conflicting feelings. He’d hated Trish for a long time, too, until he recognized his hate as pain for the woman he’d loved leaving them.
“I get why you didn’t want me talking to her,” Matt said.
“I thought you’d be mad,” Brandon admitted.
Matt shrugged again. “Nah. I mean, it’s weird, talking to her and stuff. She sounds…happy, though.”
Trish had always sounded happy when she’d call in the past, but he didn’t tell Matt that. Matt sounded optimistic. More optimistic than Brandon expected, and he didn’t want to burst the kid’s bubble, even though his need to protect was still overpowering his need to let go.
“I’m sorry, Matt,”
“What for?”
Brandon stared ahead, at their feet resting next to each other. “I don’t know. I guess I always blamed myself for her leaving. You deserved better and I couldn’t give it to you.”
“Dad,” Matt said, and Brandon finally looked at him. “You did your best. And we were always good, right?”
Brandon nodded, not trusting his voice to come out right.
“You were enough,” Matt went on. “You always gave me enough.”
Those were words that he’d needed to hear for so long. He’d even tried telling himself that he didn’t need the affirmation from Matt. He shouldn’t have needed it. But damn he had. After Trish had taken off, his confidence as a parent had been shaken. Cracked. Handicapped, if you will, or whatever the hell one wanted to call it. He’d blamed himself for Trish leaving, for not giving her whatever she’d needed to make her stay. A part of him thought Matt had blamed him too. It had been a shitty thing to consider, especially since Matt had been so young and a three-year-old’s mind didn’t work that way.
Brandon cleared his throat and searched for something to say. Something other than, Guuuuuuh.
“So should we, like, hug now?” Matt asked.
Brandon nudged Matt’s shoulder with his. “I don’t know, do you want to?”
They were both silent for a moment.
“Hugging’s cool,” Matt finally said.
“As long as we don’t do it in front of your friends, right?” Brandon joked. He couldn’t be sure, but he wore Matt actually blushed. And damn if that didn’t make Brandon feel warm and fuzzy inside.
“Dad,” Matt responded with a half chuckle, half choke.
Yeah, my thoughts exactly.
“Do you think she means it?” Matt asked.
Brandon pulled in a breath and slowly blew it out. “I don’t know,” he answered honestly. “But I think she’s trying.”
“Yeah,” Matt agreed. “Do you think she feels bad? I mean, I know she always says she does, but do you think she’s for real?”
Brandon turned the words over in his mind, knowing what Matt needed to hear. He didn’t want to lie to the kid, but he also always had a hard time knowing what went on in Trish’s head. “I think she has a lot of regrets,” he told Matt.
“You think I should give her another chance,” Matt guessed.
At first, no. He hadn’t wanted Matt to give Trish another chance. Because she didn’t deserve it. She’d had an opportunity to be a wife and mother, and she’d chosen to leave. To have another life. But now? Now he wanted Matt to be better. To rise above the bitter man Brandon had once been. The one who’d hated Trish and blamed himself for everything.
“I think the decision is up to you.” He slung an arm around Matt’s shoulders. “Look, your mom’s made a lot of mistakes. Some I’m sure she wishes she could take back. But she’s still your mom. And without her, I wouldn’t have you.” He nudged Matt’s shoulders and Matt finally looked at him. “Yeah, the years after she left were hell. But I got you out of it and you’re worth all that.”
Matt looked away, triggering a frisson of relief in Brandon’s system. Neither of them had been good at the huggy, kissy, mushy thing.
Despite that, sitting next to his kid, having a talk they should have had years ago was…nice.
Matt’s phone rang. Brandon withdrew his arm from around Matt’s shoulder and glanced at the phone when Matt picked it up. The display screen said Mom.
Matt stared at it for a second.
“Make peace with her,” Brandon told his son. “She’s trying.”
Matt nodded, and Brandon stood to give him some privacy.
“Dad,” Matt called, stopping Brandon at the bedroom door. He turned and eyed the kid who’d turned his world upside down eighteen years ago but had been worth every stressful second. “Thanks,” Matt said.
Brandon only nodded, because his heart was in his throat. He turned to leave just as he heard Matt say, “Hey, Mom.”
Now, that had him smiling. Go figure.