Priscilla’s talk of the dark had me wondering about the image of the clock. I didn’t know whether the image was real or whether it was something that had been planted by a benign conversation with one of my sisters. If there were more childhood memories, I couldn’t retrieve them. Only the classroom with the clock above a green chalkboard, a vision that had now expanded to include an elegantly swirled cursive alphabet separating the board from the clock. The teacher in this image was a mystery, but on the small desk before me was my name carefully scrolled. It wasn’t on the desk, but on a piece of colorful paper. The S was tilted to the right and connected to the a and the r and the a.
Even though I wasn’t trying to remember . . . the images continued to appear behind my eyes, creating a fog that distorted my reality. Our apartment building appeared different—the same as it had been, yet more run-down. No. More basic. Unpainted siding showed the effects of the Alaskan weather. My shoes scuffed the worn boards of the stairs as I made my way up two flights to our apartment.
I shook my head, trying to clear away the uncertainty.
Sighing, I made my way inside and collapsed upon the sofa. Rubbing my temples, I closed my eyes and wished for Jacob.
“Stop it!” I said aloud to no one.
Our empty apartment mocked me.
“I don’t want these thoughts.” My head ached with an uncommon pain behind my eyes. If only I could go to bed and forgo service, but that wasn’t an option. I had to move forward.
My mind swirled with a whirlwind of thoughts; pieces and fragments unable to create a complete image floated about as service concluded and Father Gabriel’s image faded from the screen at the front of the sanctuary.
“Sara, are you not feeling well?” Raquel asked in a whisper.
I forced a smile as I stared at my closest friend. “I think I’m tired, and I miss . . .”
Raquel’s forehead came close to my own. “You miss Brother Jacob. Of course you do. I could ask Benjamin if you could come over for a little while. We could have coffee.”
The mention of her husband’s name reminded me of what I’d done a few days before at the lab, and that I hadn’t had the chance to confess my exploration to my husband. “Thank you. I think I’d like to go home. Maybe I just need a good night’s sleep. I don’t sleep as well when he’s gone.”
“I can’t imagine. From the day Benjamin and I were married, I’ve never had to sleep alone.”
“Were you married in the dark?”
Raquel’s eyes grew wide as she peered from side to side. “Sara!” Her voice was a hushed whisper. “We’re in the temple, surrounded by the chosen.” She lowered her tone even more. “Not the place to discuss such things.”
My lips formed a straight line. “I’m sorry,” I said with an edge to my voice. “I didn’t realize I was speaking to Elizabeth.”
The recognition in her dark eyes told me she understood my remark. Elizabeth was our friend; however, she never strayed from the straight and narrow. Besides her job with new followers, she was the poster child for obedience. She would never mention the dark, anywhere, and definitely not in the temple.
“What?” Elizabeth said as she turned toward us, her green eyes shining and her lovely red hair pulled back to the nape of her neck. “Did I hear my name?”
Raquel shot me a just stay quiet look and scoffed. “Sara and I were discussing going back to our apartment building. Will you and Luke be walking with us?”
“That’s up to Luke,” she answered without reservation. Then her eyes narrowed. “But Sara, you can’t go alone.”
I sighed. “I walk alone during the day. It’s July. It’s daytime all the time.”
She shook her head dismissively as the other Assembly and Commission wives were claimed by their husbands one by one. Beyond our chosen seating I noticed the other followers, mostly couples leaving the benches and heading toward the doors. There were so many people I didn’t know. Being chosen was a blessing and a curse. The followers I saw had the pleasure of sitting with their spouses, yet they all looked exhausted.
When I thought about the hours Priscilla and the others worked, I understood.
Elizabeth was still talking. “. . . if it’s light or dark in the sky. Brother Jacob left instructions for either Luke or Brother Benjamin to accompany you. You can’t argue.”
The pain behind my eyes had intensified, making my response less censored. “I’m not arguing. I’m tired. That’s all.”
“She misses Brother Jacob,” Raquel volunteered.
The judgment present only a millisecond earlier on Elizabeth’s face dissolved. “Oh, dear. I’m sorry. Of course you do.”
“Ladies.” Brother Benjamin’s deep voice interrupted our conversation. “It’s time to head home.”
Beyond Brother Benjamin was Brother Luke. We all nodded in agreement and followed the men from the sanctuary out to the evening sunshine. Though the two men continued to talk, I allowed myself to fall into silence. It was the obedience I’d been taught, but more than that, it was my private way to make sense of the rush of uncertainty I was now feeling. I wanted nothing more than to climb into bed and wake revived.
In the morning I’d feel like my old self.
That was my last thought as I closed my eyes with my head on Jacob’s pillow. His signature leather scent surrounded me as I fell asleep.
CHAPTER 3
Sara