“When was his last diaper change?”
Tears teetered on Priscilla’s lids. I wasn’t sure whether they came from my questioning or her own frustration.
“About four hours ago. I-I can’t . . .”
“How many changes per day are the children allowed?” My question came louder than I intended and more selfishly than Priscilla could possibly understand. I wanted a baby—for Jacob and me to have a family. I understood Father Gabriel’s reasoning for the day care, but control? These were babies. They needed comfort, not control.
“I-I don’t . . .”
My shoulders straightened. “I’m a member of the chosen. Answer me.”
“Three. If more are needed, the family’s credits are reduced and the parents must put in extra hours at the plant to make up the difference. If they don’t, other credits are cut.” Her explanation came quickly and quietly. “Sister, Tobias has two other siblings. His mother asked that I not exceed his limit. It’s my fault; I shouldn’t have changed him so many times this morning.”
My lips formed a straight line and an internal battle raged. Had I never heard this before? Why did it suddenly upset me? It must be my desire for a baby. My maternal instinct was rearing its ugly head.
The stacks of cloth diapers filling the bins below the only changing table in the room caught my attention. “There are plenty of diapers.” As soon as I spoke I realized my error. Priscilla might be a female, but questioning Father Gabriel’s decree was unacceptable. “Perhaps”—I looked down to the calmer child in my arms. Simply the act of holding him and swaying my body back and forth had settled his cries. I lifted my cheeks in a weary smile—“perhaps Tobias will be fine until his mother arrives.”
Priscilla took a deep breath and pushed strands of hair away from her face. “Thank you, Sister. Sometimes I wonder . . .”
This time tears fell from her eyes.
I reached for another baby and tucked one in the crook of each arm. Sitting on one of the two rocking chairs, I smiled as the babies’ eyes closed. “You can talk to me, Priscilla. It isn’t questioning to ask another woman. What do you wonder?”
For the next thirty minutes I rocked the small humans in my arms as Priscilla fluttered around the room taking care of the other babies. She spoke about her studies and answered my questions. She also confessed her uneasiness with some of the ways in which her life had changed since she and her husband joined The Light as fully committed followers.
Though I couldn’t admit it, I envied her perspective. She could compare life in the dark to life in The Light. My accident nearly nine months ago had taken that from me.
Priscilla never voiced disappointment in their choice, only a sense of disillusionment. I asked all the right questions: Did she love The Light? Did she want to follow Father Gabriel? Did she believe in his word? Did she love her husband and trust him with their life decisions?
These conversations had been going on long enough in Priscilla’s transition that I knew I should tell not only Jacob but also Elizabeth. As new-follower coordinators, Elizabeth and her husband, Brother Luke, knew what to do. When lingering signs of doubt occurred, there was a prescribed course of action.
The last question I voiced—Did she love her husband and trust him with their life decisions?—caused a faint flicker of shame. I hadn’t trusted Jacob with the decision to stop my birth control. I’d done it on my own.
Maybe that was the cause of my new uneasiness. I felt guilty. After all, with each hour it seemed as though I continued to amass new transgressions that I would eventually need to confess to my husband.
By the time I left the day care and made my way to our apartment, my head and heart were heavy. Though I didn’t want to experience correction at Jacob’s hands, I longed for the peace that came with giving my concerns and infractions over to him. If only he’d come home tonight, but he wouldn’t. He was with Father Gabriel at another campus. I think he’d said the Eastern Light.