Jacob struck the steering wheel with the palm of his hand. “Of course fucking not. What did you do?”
I sat taller. “I’m an investigative journalist. It’s what I do, did, whatever. I walked around the front fence and tried to take pictures.” I shrugged and looked back out the window. “When I left I saw a surveillance camera. Unfortunately, it probably recorded everything I did.” Thinking about the timeline, I added, “That was a few days before we went to that festival in Dearborn.” The realization made my stomach turn. That was the day Jacob had seen me for the first time. “Oh, God, my future was already set by then. Wasn’t it?”
With his jaw clenched, Jacob nodded. “Yes, do you see why you cannot get your memory back?”
“What about my medicine? Raquel and Benjamin know I’m off it.”
“Medicines work differently on different people. Just because you quit taking it, doesn’t guarantee that your memories will return. Beginning at the Eastern Light, acquired wives are given high doses of the medication intravenously. Brother Raphael has hypothesized that in some individuals that initial regimen is all that’s needed. The idea being that the receptors become permanently blocked. He’s said that the daily boosters in many women are merely an insurance policy. Not everyone’s brain responds exactly the same way. As soon as you have your period, you’re going back on the medicine.”
“What? No, I’m not!”
“Sara.”
Panic filled my chest as I tried to suck in air. Closing my eyes, I reminded myself that this was the world where husbands made the decisions, but we were still alone, and I had a chance. “No, Jacob,” I implored. By the way he turned, my response obviously surprised him. I kept going. “I can’t help you if I don’t have memories. Think about it. What if the medicine blocks everything I learned at The Light?” I sucked my lip between my teeth and put my hands between my legs to hide their trembling. “I can’t go back to that. Besides, how would we explain it if I suddenly forgot all Father Gabriel’s teachings or my job or how to cook, or what if I forgot you?”
“Fuck,” he said, pulling the truck into the small airport. “I guess I hadn’t thought about all of that.” Once Jacob had the truck inside a hangar, he turned toward me. “Give me those hands.”
Though I looked down, I obeyed.
As he took my hands, it wasn’t his words but his tone that pulled my gaze to his. “If we have any chance at all of getting through this alive, you and I both have to put on the best performances of our fucking lives. That’s why I wanted you to resume your medicine. I thought it would make it easier for you, but”—he kissed my knuckles—“you’ve always been so smart, and you’re right. I don’t want you forgetting what you’ve learned in The Light. You worked too hard. Just please remember, no one is trustworthy, no one. Everyone is programmed, not just the acquired wives. Most of the men aren’t on medication; their programming is more environmental, tribal mentality really. It keeps everyone content to work toward Father Gabriel’s goals. If they weren’t programmed, they wouldn’t accept everything Father Gabriel says as gospel and they even may try to question his authority. That can’t happen.
“It’s literally you and me against The Light. We have to convince everyone that nothing has changed. The next eighteen hours are crucial.”
I nodded, knowing I needed to put my full and unyielding trust in the man who held my hands, the one who’d kept me alive so far.
“Leaving The Light,” he went on, “is a transgression punishable by banishment. No one leaves The Light and lives to talk about it. No one. You, Sara Adams, are an Assemblyman’s wife. We love each other, and you’re usually well behaved. Thursday night after the prayer meeting, once we were home, you weren’t. I corrected you. You were embarrassed that it resulted in a blackened eye. Since I left early Friday morning, you went running on the campus, like we do. It’s summer and you chose to stay out in the north acres. Being upset with me, you forgot about the lab. That’s why you weren’t in our apartment when Raquel came to find you.”
I sighed. What he’d just done was the comfort that came with being Sara. The story, my choices, everything was up to my husband. Jacob told me who I was and what I thought. It was a realization that bothered the Stella side of me, but I knew that to survive what we were about to do, I needed to keep Stella quiet. I could use her keen thinking and survival skills, but in everything visible, I needed to be Sara.