Hyde stuck out his lower lip and pulled his eyebrows low over his emerald eyes. “I think my mom can stay up here and I’ll tell the teacher about Sayer instead. She looks like a princess and makes me pancakes in the morning.”
Sayer Cole was the attorney who had enabled Zeb to get custody of Hyde, and somewhere along the way, the buttoned-up, prim and proper lawyer had fallen for both of the Fuller boys. She was everything secure and safe that Hyde needed in his life and I couldn’t find an ounce of resentment toward the woman who would be raising my best friend’s son. In fact, every single time I was in the other woman’s presence, I was inspired to get my shit together and keep it that way. We all owed her a lot, and because she was nothing but class and heart, she refused to acknowledge it.
“I think that sounds like a good plan, little man. Your dad will be all over you telling the world how great Sayer is.” I pulled the SUV up in front of the impressive house Zeb had fully restored for Sayer when they first met. It took a couple minutes to get him out of the car and up to the front door, and by the time I had him wrangled, hand clasped firmly in mine, the front door was open and Zeb was leaning against the jamb. The dark hair, flannel shirt, worn jeans, and meticulously groomed beard all reminded me of another man and another place. It almost hurt to look at him. I missed Ben every second of every day. I tried not to let longing and yearning overtake my entire life, but it was a constant struggle. I woke up lonely and went to bed aching. I’d never been a patient person and the more time that passed, the less confidence I had that he would figure out a way to come for me.
Loud and messy was a lot less fun when it came from an adult woman who was holding her life and herself together with nothing more than a hope and a prayer.
Hyde threw himself into his father’s legs while prattling on about how he guessed it was okay that Remy made it into his book and how he wanted to make sure he included the fact that our pizza dinner dates were really important to him. Zeb squeezed his son’s shoulder and sent him into the house with a smile and a knowing look as I put a hand over my heart.
“He’s good at hitting that soft spot without even trying.” The big man lifted his eyebrows at me. “You all right? You look a little like you swallowed something sour.”
I shook my head and huddled deeper into my jacket. “Still trying to find my footing after losing my sister, ya know?”
That jade gaze missed very little. “Is that so? Because you’ve been more off since you got back than you were before you left. Normally, I’m not the type to pry, but you matter to my kid. He loves you, and he’s had enough people that he cares about let him down, so I just want to make sure you aren’t about to go off the rails on us, Echo.” He cocked his head to the side and watched me carefully. “You aren’t alone anymore.”
Good God, did those Fuller boys know how to get right into the center of a heart and turn it all around. I reached up and pushed some of my hair off of my face and managed a weak smile. “I’m not going off the rails or over the edge. Some days it takes everything I have to hold on, but I do it, Zeb. I hold on for dear life. I lost my friend. I lost my sister. I lost my way and my heart.” I shifted my feet and told him honestly. “Somewhere in all of that loss, I found myself. I’m not going to let that little boy down and no matter what, I’m not going to let myself down anymore.”
I got a terse nod, followed by a hug that swallowed me up. He was such a good man, but instead of envying Sayer for all that she had, his embrace made me long for what I didn’t have. I didn’t want a hug from a good man. I wanted a bad man to hold onto me and promise that he would never let me go. I wanted him to remind me that his bad made my bad look like child’s play and that our good was even more special than most because it had to fight its way to the surface. It did battle to survive inside the wasteland of our tattered souls.
“I’ll text you and make plans for next week. I would love to see what makes it in the ‘About Me’ book when he’s done with it. That kid has more going on inside than I ever did. He makes me feel like I still have a whole lot to learn about life and love.” I wanted to know what made him happy and see what his new life was like through his eyes. He deserved so much more than he’d been given at the beginning and I wanted to make sure all the adults that loved him were coming through for him, myself included.
Zeb snorted and turned back to the open doorway. “Join the club. I had no idea what I was capable of or how much of myself I could give to another person until he came along. It was like I was sleepwalking and the minute you showed up and told me I was a father, I woke up. I wouldn’t have it any other way because I don’t want to miss a minute of his life from here on out. We’ll see you next week, Echo.”
I turned on my heel and made my way back to the SUV with a lump in my throat. I was always emotional after I dropped Hyde off, but I’d been even more so since my return home. Zeb had told me I wasn’t alone, but the truth was I very much was alone while I waited. No one else knew about the man I’d met on the mountain. No one knew my heart was a million miles away and struggling to beat through pain and desperation. No one knew that I felt untethered and adrift, that nothing seemed worthwhile while I waited to see if I mattered as much to him as he mattered to me. I’d given him an impossible task, one that I logically knew he would need time to accomplish, but the longer he took, the more time that passed, the more I had to wonder if he’d decided I wasn’t worth the effort. No one could bide their time or wait for me, so I did it alone and it ate at me. Every day another piece was bitten off and spit out as minutes spiraled into hours that we didn’t get to have together.
Just like Zeb, I didn’t want to miss a minute of the life Ben had been given a second shot at living, but I was missing millions of them and there was nothing I could do about it.
If I hadn’t been lost in my melancholy, I probably would have noticed the very out of place sports car that was parked in front of my apartment building. It was completely impractical for Colorado weather and I didn’t live in the best neighborhood, so it was like a beacon calling for every criminal within a ten-mile radius. If I’d taken note of the car, I would have also noticed the faint hint of coconut and honey that lingered in the hallway as I trudged toward my door. My keys rattled in the lock and my breath left my lungs in a whoosh as the door swung open before I could turn the knob. Hard hands gripped my upper arms and I was pulled into my apartment with enough force that my purse went flying in one direction and my keys in the other.