‘And you feared I might use it.’
Was there a reason to lie? Not really. ‘Yes. I did. And with good reason, I might add,’ I spoke more loudly, over her attempt to interrupt me. ‘You silvered the fingers of one hand. How was I to know that you wouldn’t do more to yourself? Or give it to the ship and let him become more dragon than ship before we were ready to release him?’
‘And you thought you might need it,’ Amber’s voice broke into the Fool’s. ‘To do far more to yourself than just silver your fingertips. Your hands, I suppose? Like Verity did?’
‘Perhaps. How would that be different to what you did? The Silver was a resource, like Chade’s exploding pots and the Elderling firebrick. I don’t know how I might use those things. Yet. But I reserve them so I have them.’
‘You don’t trust me.’
‘I trust the Fool. I don’t trust Amber.’
‘What?’ This from Per. The other three were uncomfortable witnesses to this quarrel, and his outburst reminded me of their presence. I glared at him, and he quailed. I was more annoyed with myself, for I could not explain my comment, even to myself. The Fool gave me a hurt look before Amber’s mask settled over his features again. There. That was it. He used her to hide from me, and I didn’t like it. Whoever the Fool might be elsewhere, when he wore Amber before me, it was a lie and a disguise. I made no answer to Per. He cleared his throat and nervously filled in, ‘Motley can do things with her silver beak. She showed me.’
Everyone’s attention snapped to Per. ‘Such as?’ I demanded.
‘I’ve been keeping her feathers black for her. It was time to do them again. The ink wears off. But when I asked her to open her wings, I could see no white. Not even a hint of grey, except on one small feather. And when Motley saw it, she groomed it with her beak. And she made it black.’
‘It’s a powerful magic,’ I said softly. ‘Be wary of letting her beak touch you.’
‘She is very careful with it.’ He made a small sound of regret. ‘With me, she is careful. But not with the ship. She likes Paragon, very much, I think. I have seen her grooming the ship’s hair as if he were a dragon.’
‘He is a dragon,’ Spark said quietly.
I knelt and put the Silver and my scorched shirt back into the rag of my old pack and bundled them safely. I set the firebrick to one side. What remained of my clothing was a pathetic heap. I pulled the trousers out of it. ‘These will have to do. My Buck cloak is going to be far too warm, but I can wear it thrown back. It may cover that I’m going to be carrying an axe.’
Amber had discarded her grievance with me. Her voice was flat as she said, ‘Take something smaller. We can’t chance that you’ll be stopped.’
I didn’t argue. ‘I’ll borrow a ship’s hatchet from Trell.’ I found my other shirt and set it on the pile. I began to set out Chade’s explosive pots in a tidy roll.
Spark picked up the shirt and held it up. She regarded it critically. ‘This won’t do. Not for a nobleman showing his wealth and demanding an audience. I’ll have to refurbish another of Lady Thyme’s blouses.’
‘Please,’ I managed to say. I reached under the bunk and drew out a separate package I’d brought aboard back in Trehaug and handled little since then. I’d lost some of my poisons and assassin’s tools in the bear attack. It held the remains of my supplies. I began to choose. Lock-picks. A garrotte. A little pot of a poison in grease that could go on doorknobs and latches or silverware. Once I’d used it on the back of a book. The owner had died two days later. Here were tasteless powders of death, some fast, some slow. One cluster of packets I set aside.
‘You won’t need those?’ Spark asked. She was watching intently what I was choosing, perhaps thinking of adding concealed pockets. But then, perhaps Lady Thyme’s old garments already had plenty of those.
‘Soporifics. Sleeping draughts. I doubt I’ll need any of them, but I’ll take two.’ I shifted the packets in question. I added two little knives, sharp, short and narrow as my little finger. ‘In-and-outs’ Chade had called them. Chade. I took a steadying breath. And here, wrapped in a scrap of paper, was the poisonous pellet I’d made for the Fool. I didn’t want to give it to him. I’d said I would.
‘Amber, I’m handing you something,’ I warned her and reached for her gloved hand. She didn’t flinch. I turned her hand palm up and put the packet in it. ‘It’s something the Fool asked me for. In the event he was captured.’
Amber gave a slow nod as she closed her fingers around it.
‘What is it?’ Per asked in a voice full of dread.
‘A quick exit,’ I said. I sorted a few more items into the pile I would take. Abruptly, I could stand it no longer. Everything felt wrong about this. Everything. We were approaching it in the worst possible way, the one I felt was most doomed to failure. I looked at the array of firepots, the tumble of poisons and sly weapons. Spark had already begun ripping a seam out of a green blouse. They were all so intent and united. Like idealistic rabbits plotting to take down a lion. I stood up. ‘I need some air,’ I said, and left them all staring after me.
Out on the deck I stared over the bow-rail. Paragon was alone save for Motley on his shoulder. I’d greeted him perfunctorily and then subsided into my own silent pain. None of the others had followed me and I was grateful for that. Doubtless they would remain in the cabin and make further plans that I would disagree with. I leaned on the railing and looked toward a now visible landmass. Clerres. My destination. My daughter. I’d abandoned her and then lost her. More than anything, I wanted to be the one to find her and restore her to safety. I wanted her to see my face, be lifted in my arms. Me. I wanted it to be me.
You completely ignore that Amber feels the same way. Paragon’s thought thrummed through me. I lifted my forearms from his railing. As if that would make a difference. I’ve told you, little man, any time I wish, I can share your thoughts. As I feel her dreams. She blames herself that you saved her and left the child behind. She spends her strength trying to think of what she must do lest others divine it. But this I will share with you. She dreams you dying and does not wish you to die in vain. You should know, if she must choose a death, she chooses yours. Because she believes it is what you would wish.
I knew a time of stillness. As if all my guts had frozen. Choose a death. Then I knew and I knew the Fool was right. If I must die so that he could live and take care of Bee. That was the better outcome. I framed a thought for the ship. How do I die?
In water and fire, in wind and darkness. Not swiftly.
Well. That’s nice to know.