I could have argued that with him. But it seemed pointless and I was tired of pain. If my shearing my hair for mourning as if Chade were my father was painful to Lant, I need not do it. Chade would never know and it would not change the depth of my loss. ‘The flat of your hand,’ I said.
I felt her set her hand on top of my head. Her fingers closed to hold my hair upright and she began snipping. My hair was not nearly as long as Lant’s had been. Spark piled the clippings into Per’s hands. There was a lot more grey in it than I’d realized there would be.
Not my father. I’d never met my father, but Burrich had near-shaved my head for mourning when Chivalry had died. Yet when Burrich had died, I’d not cut my hair at all. I listened to her scissors snipping and thought about that. I’d been on Aslevjal Island, and the news of his death had come to me in a Skill-message, just as tidings of Chade’s death had. Why hadn’t I cut my hair? No scissors. No time. The gesture had seemed too small. I’d still been a bit angry with him for wedding Molly. So many reasons and no reason at all. Perhaps it was not wanting it to be real. I didn’t know any more. Who had that young man been who had thought himself so old and worldly-wise? He was a stranger to me now.
‘It’s done,’ Spark said in a husky voice and I realized it had been some time since I’d heard the snick of the blades.
‘That it is,’ I said and stood up slowly. Both Spark and Per had taken a hand’s breadth off, instead of the traditional lock. The Fool had given me a lock of his pale hair. I think he knew that I wouldn’t wish Lady Amber to be the one to hand it to me. I’d released it to the wind and now Per delivered mine to the same breeze. I stood at the railing and watched the steady wind carry my hair away. Scattered into the open air as Chade’s memories would disperse. I’d known him longer than anyone at Buckkeep. When I died, a part of Chade’s heritage would die with me.
I heard a step on the deck and turned to find Althea regarding me with a mystified look. I’d tried to explain how I could know of the death of someone in Buckkeep, but I think she privately believed I’d had a very vivid dream. I was grateful that she’d allowed us privacy for this small ceremony. And now that time was over and perhaps she had orders for a deckhand.
Her glance flickered over my shorn head and then she pointed out over the water. ‘There, on the horizon. Beneath the overcast. Do you see that? We think those are the outer islands, with Clerres on the largest one, and beyond the islands, a mainland. So, Paragon tells us.’
I followed her pointing finger, and saw only clouds. I accepted what she told me. ‘How long until we reach there?’
‘It depends on the wind and currents. Paragon says less than two days. From what he recalls, there is a good deep-water harbour at one end of the island but he wishes to take us directly to the Clerres harbour. He says he has been there before; that Igrot had dealings with the Servants. Of what sort, he cannot say, but shortly after they visited Clerres, he took Igrot to Others’ Island, to have his fortune told.’ She fell silent. Perhaps we both wondered what those creatures had foretold for him. ‘The wind is up and building; we’re making excellent time. If it continues, we could be there late this evening, or early tomorrow.’
‘This evening.’ I echoed her words. I teetered on the edge of a void. I thought of all I didn’t know and could not anticipate. I had studied the crude maps the Fool had helped me make. But knowing the general layout of the Servants’ stronghold did not tell me if Bee had already arrived or if she was still on a ship. If she were there, was she held as a prisoner, or housed in the cottages with the other young Whites?
Neither did I know how soon Tintaglia might arrive to take her vengeance. I looked at the distant shadow on the horizon and wondered if she had already finished with them. Would we sail into the harbour of a dragon-destroyed city? And what if Bee had already arrived in Clerres? No. I refused to consider that possibility. I had to believe I still had a chance of saving her.
Knowing Bee was alive had thrown all my plans into disarray. I could poison neither well nor food, lest it make its way to Bee. I could not go in swinging an axe or spreading toxic potions on doorknobs and tabletops. Until I had safely regained my daughter, I could attempt no violence against the Servants. Entering and searching a well-guarded castle to rescue a small girl was a very different task from gaining access and killing as many people as I could before I died. In all my long career, this would be the first time that my primary goal was to save a life rather than take one.
‘Paragon wants to anchor well out in the harbour, where the water is deepest. Even so, we must be watchful lest an ebbing tide leaves him aground.’
Brashen drifted up to join her. He leaned back on the railing and said nothing as she spoke. ‘We will behave as we always have in a new port. We will go ashore, and visit merchants to see what trade items we might purchase. We’ve not a lot of coin but it’s adequate for a short ruse. We may even buy some goods, on this, our last trading run with Paragon.’ Her gaze went distant. ‘Perhaps our last time ever to visit a new port.’
I caught yet another glimpse of all we had taken from them and felt shame again. My fate was a runaway horse, dragging destruction like a broken cart through so many lives. I tried to think of something to say. Lant and the others had drawn closer and were listening.
Althea remained silent, staring at the clouds on the horizon. Brashen cleared his throat. ‘Before sunset, we’ll return to Paragon. We will keep our crew at the ready, for it may be that you will stir great trouble and we will have to depart swiftly.’
I spoke what we all knew to be true. ‘You owe us nothing. This was a bargain struck between your ship and Amber. I do not expect you to risk your lives or crew for us.’ Dread filled my heart as I offered what was right. ‘We will all disembark when we reach Clerres. Whatever trouble we bring down, we will bring down only upon ourselves. Should anyone ask, we will say that we paid for our passage here, and that we hardly know you.’ I steeled myself. ‘If you judge you must flee before we return, well, then you must.’ And I would be in my worst possible situation. Saddled with all of my companions, and I hoped, Bee. With no swift means of escape.
Brashen scowled. ‘We do not intend to maroon you. One of the ship’s boats will remain at the dock, crewed by Queen Etta’s bravos. Should you have to flee for your lives, they will be there, waiting for you. We hope they can swiftly convey you to Paragon and we can flee together.’
A twisted smile crawled across Althea’s face. ‘Plan for the worst and hope for the best. Given that we know so little of what you intend, it is difficult for us to make specific plans.’
‘It’s more than what I expected,’ I said quietly. ‘Thank you.’