Why? Why did Nick Wilder have to be so hot? It’s like the universe is playing tricks on me. I quickly wash the coffee mugs and attempt to eat a banana, but I still have no appetite. My mind is spinning with the conversation I just had.
You can’t judge someone else’s grief—we’re all grieving something, and everyone has the right to be sad about whatever the hell they want to be sad about. Why did his words so heavily affect me? Maybe because he was the only person who actually made me feel okay about grieving. Everyone else always scoffed and blamed him. Everyone in my life had a different opinion. My parents called him a cheating scumbag. I knew they were only trying to make me feel better, but their words didn’t fill the void I carry around in my heart. Violet, bless her, had left a flaming bag of dog poop on his doorstep for an entire week. Everyone said it was his fault, and I should forget him.
It was so easy for them to say that. Except none of them allowed me to grieve, to cry, and to just wallow in my sadness. After the initial name calling on my parents’ part, they stopped talking about Dan. I’m pretty sure their reasoning was that if they stopped talking about it, I would forget about it sooner. But that didn’t happen. It only got louder in my head.
Violet’s plan of action was to try and replace Dan by setting me up on a date with one of her boyfriend’s co-workers. I couldn’t even fathom dating someone else, and I was shocked that she thought I’d be ready so soon.
Honestly, I just wanted someone to say, Hey, it’s okay that you’re sad. I just wanted someone to say, Just take some time to grieve. I just wanted someone to say exactly what Nick had said to me two minutes ago. I’d just met the guy, and already he seemed to understand me better than my friends and family.
Nine.
Nick
If I made a list of all the things I imagined Evianna to be, jaded and fragile would not have made that list. And on top of that, I never thought I’d actually like her as a person. But I do. I enjoyed her emails, sure, but I didn’t expect to feel so comfortable around her.
Her ex is a tool. I know just by talking to her that he screwed her up pretty badly. The minute we started to talk about it, her big eyes got all watery and lifeless. I wanted to change the subject, but I didn’t want her to think I didn’t care. It pained me to see her so hurt.
I also didn’t expect her to be so pretty.
Fuck. Did I really just think that?
A wave of guilt rushes through me, and I feel my body tense uncomfortably. It’s okay if I think she’s nice looking. It doesn’t mean anything. I think Natalie Portman is nice looking.
I feel guilty for being so angry with her this morning, because now I know just how fragile she is. She was one second away from crying when we talked about her ex, and damn, I didn’t like it—I didn’t like it one bit. And the crazy thing is, I don’t even think she realizes how broken and jaded she is.
I sit down on the edge of the bed, and I take a few steadying breaths. My eyes wander to the picture on my dresser—the one of Isabel, Matthias, Bria, and me. It was taken a couple months before the accident. I feel my chest tighten.
It’s been a year, but it feels like yesterday.
I still miss her. Isabel. I haven’t said her name out loud in so long. Saying it in front of Evi was the first time I’ve said it in… months.
“Isabel,” I whisper to myself. I don’t ever want to forget the sound of her name on my lips.
I still wonder how I’m going to get through the day without her.
Without her smile.
Without her laugh.
The pain hasn’t really gone away, and I’m not sure if it ever will.
Ten.
Evianna
911!
Nick Wilder is hot. I repeat, my employer is hot.
Please come rescue me. Bring a bottle two bottles of wine.
-Ev xx
I set my phone down just as Nick walks back into the kitchen, freshly showered. I fumble to turn it to silent. I know he can’t or won’t see Violet’s response, but still, it makes me nervous that I was discussing his looks via text message.