“Stop it.” Her voice was cold.
Max opened his eyes and saw the tears coursing down her cheeks, but his heart was raw. “Am I good enough yet? Have I loved you enough? Or am I only good for this?” He bucked his hips against hers. “Because nothing will ever compare to a reshon you loved and lost.”
He knew he’d hurt her, but the look in her eyes was only a shadow of the pain he’d felt when she rejected him in Vienna. When she’d told him his love wasn’t real, it had gutted him.
Max couldn’t take any more. He lifted off her body and wrapped a sheet around his waist as Renata scrambled to cover herself. The pleasure was hollow. He’d lost his temper and been too honest. Too rough. She’d probably never let him touch her again.
Maybe that was all right.
“I’m going outside for a smoke,” he said. “Don’t worry; I’ll sleep on the couch.”
Max sat on the covered porch that wrapped around the house. Heavy boards were nailed along the railings, creating a buffer from the wind and harsh snow. The storm that had picked up earlier in the evening had cleared, though Max could see more dark clouds over the far ridge. For the moment, the air was crisp and clear and the moon was full, glittering over the fresh snow in the meadow.
He sat on a log bench and blew out a stream of smoke from the cigarettes he’d bought in Milan. They were a fancy variety and an indulgence. He didn’t smoke often, but the scent reminded him of his grandfather’s pipe tobacco, and it was welcome on the cold night.
If the weather was clear, he’d hike down the mountain in the morning.
He was a fool.
Renata had dug into her anger and grief like the ancient singers had dug into the mountain. It was part of her, and he was only an amusement. He’d never be enough for her, because she’d tasted life with her reshon. Making love to him probably felt like a shadow of the connection they’d had, even if it was life changing for Max.
Yes, he was a fool. A fool for loving Renata for so long when she didn’t want to be loved. A fool for pursuing her across continents and up the side of a mountain. He should have believed her eighteen years ago and cut his losses. Maybe if he’d done that, he’d have found a mate who wanted him instead of a lover who tolerated him.
Maybe some griefs you simply didn’t recover from. Perhaps some lives were lost, even if the bodies stayed breathing. Renata had always felt so alive to him. Passionate and angry and joyous and fierce. But maybe he was only seeing what he needed to see and not what was actually there.
Max heard Renata’s footsteps on the stairs and knew from the speed and the hard stomp that she was angry. Furious.
He rose and turned toward the door a second before she flung it open.
“Fuck you!” she yelled, stepping onto the porch. “I’ve never once thought of Balien when we were making love. So fuck you, Maxim!”
His eyes went wide. “Get inside,” he yelled.
“No!”
“You’re going to freeze to death.” He flicked his cigarette into the snow and picked her up. “Are you insane?”
“Put me down,” she yelled. “I was born in these mountains, and I’m not going to freeze. I’m not some delicate lowland—”
“It is below freezing out here and there is more snow coming.” He rushed her into the house and kicked the kitchen door closed. Then he took her to the fire and grabbed a woolen throw from the back of the couch. “You’re insane.”
“And you’re an ass.”
“So you’ve told me many times.”
“You think you can throw all that on me and I’m just supposed to take it?”
He grabbed another blanket. “Shut up and get closer to the fire.”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine. You’re naked.”
“I have a sheet on. Just like you did when you walked out on me upstairs. Just like you walked out on me in Vienna.”
He sat back on his heels, mouth gaping. “Walked out on you?”
She muttered, “You were sitting out there brooding and thinking about ways to get down the mountain just now, weren’t you?”
“You told me in Vienna that I didn’t know what love was and I’d never compare to your lost reshon. Was I supposed to stick around after that?”
“You were supposed to find someone else!” Her eyes flashed. “You were supposed to find someone better, Max. I don’t want to rob you of the chance to—”
“What? Find my reshon? This shit again?”
“It’s not shit, and the fact that you think it is—”
“I don’t want some mythical woman who might not even exist!” He rose and gripped his hair. “Don’t you understand that? What about us is so horrible?”
“That’s not—”
“We laugh together. We fight together. I adore your cooking and think the fact that you have the patience of a gnat is hilarious, even when it drives me crazy. I love that you like a snowstorm more than a beach and you consider dagger fighting a sport. I love that you are fiercely compassionate and protective of your sisters. I love you! I love everything about you, even the parts that make me insane.”
“You say that because you don’t know. You deserve—”
“I deserve you.” He caged her on the sofa with his arms. “Because you’re the one I want. I don’t need anyone else. And I know you love me too.” He leaned in. “I know you do. That’s what makes me so damn crazy.”
She shoved him back and tore off the blankets he’d wrapped around her. “Of course I love you! That’s why I know this isn’t good enough, Max. I know I make you crazy. I know we drive each other up the wall. You want to live with that the rest of your life?”
He was struck dumb. Of course I love you. It was the first time she’d actually said it.
“There is a woman out there,” she continued, “created by heaven, who will be your perfect mate.” She choked on the last word and Max’s heart broke. “She’s made for you, Maxim. She will love you in ways I never could.”
Max whispered, “Renata.”
“Don’t!” She held up a hand. “I want you to imagine that for a moment. Really and truly imagine it. Imagine marking me as your mate. You can’t take that back, Max. That bond is only broken in death. Imagine marking me and then meeting her.”
Max wanted to put his mark on her more than anything in their dark and twisted world, but Renata was still talking.
“If I let this happen,” she continued, “let us happen—you will meet her and resent me for eternity for stealing that from you. Always knowing that she was your best match, your truest match, but instead you mated me.” She blinked away tears. “Are you enough? Max, that was never the question.”
“Don’t do this to us.” He walked to her and put his hands on her shoulders. “If you love me, don’t push me away.”
She pressed her hand over his heart. “I need to do what is right, even if you don’t understand why.”
Heaven above, her fierce heart. Renata had walls—plenty of them—but she was so ferociously protective. She owned him.
“You’re thinking about this backward,” Max said.
“What are you talking about?”