A muscle twitched in Violet’s neck, but she didn’t move.
“You have to believe that the second Finn showed up, I was going to call you. I was so relieved to see that Bear was okay, and so glad for you, and then—”
“And then what?”
“He threatened me. Finn threatened me.”
“You’re scared of Finn?”
“No. Yes. He knows about something I did—something I’m not proud of. He threatened to tell George if I didn’t hand over the keys to the cabin, give him a place to take Bear and get his head on straight. I tried to call his bluff, but he upped the ante, calling out something else that could ruin George’s father, and George too, and—” She faltered. It all sounded so unimportant when she said it out loud. So unworthy of what she’d sat by and let Finn put Violet through. She tried again. “These secrets, they’re bad, Vi. They would wreck my family.”
“So you just let him blackmail you and wreck my family instead.”
“No!” Caitlin fought to keep her eyes on the road. Up here in the mountains, even the interstates were steep and winding, and had to be navigated carefully. Especially in the middle of the night. “I didn’t. I followed him down there. I thought if I could convince him to do the right thing, I could avoid the whole mess for George and me and get Bear back where he belongs—with you. It’s just … Finn didn’t come around.”
“And now?”
“I couldn’t wait him out any longer. I had to do the right thing, even if it means that he’ll follow through on his threats. I probably deserve it anyway.”
A beat of silence filled the car. “But you said George is there now. With Finn.”
“Yeah.” Caitlin took a deep, shaky breath. A sharp curve was just ahead, and she tightened her grip on the wheel. “I guess if Finn hasn’t already told him, I’m probably going to end up having to do it myself. I dodged his questions earlier to run out and get you, but he’s none too pleased about being pulled into this mess.”
For a moment, Violet didn’t answer. Then she tilted her chin in Caitlin’s direction, though she still wouldn’t look at her. Caitlin’s face burned with shame. They were climbing now, and the fog was thickening—she could scarcely see any farther than her headlights. She scanned the highway’s perimeter for deer, which too often managed to jump over the high concrete walls and into traffic. Why they’d go to so much effort to get to a place they clearly weren’t meant to be was anyone’s guess.
“You going to tell me what it was? Or is? That he has on you?”
Caitlin knew that without a real explanation, there was no chance of salvaging her relationship with Violet. Besides, there was no point in not telling her. She’d likely find out soon enough.
“Do you remember that party you and Finn threw, not long after you started dating? The cookout at the old house next to ours, before you had moved in there?”
Violet nodded. “We wanted all our friends to meet.” She paused, as if reconsidering the memory. “I wanted all our friends to meet,” she said more softly, and the pain in her voice made Caitlin’s heart ache.
“Well, by that point, George and I had been trying to conceive for a long time.”
“You never told me that.”
“I never told anyone. Until the day I broke down and told Finn.”
Even then, Finn had heard only part of the story. Now, Caitlin told it all to Violet. It was her first time saying any of it aloud, and she carefully recited the details she’d been trying so hard to forget.
After the first year of trying to get pregnant, Caitlin had made an appointment with her ob-gyn. They ran some tests and could find no obvious cause for infertility. The doctor told Caitlin that meant one of three things. One: They were overlooking something that only deeper evaluations would turn up. Two: The problem was with George, which they would need to rule out before ordering any more involved testing on Caitlin. Three: There was no problem and they just needed to keep trying.
But George was not interested in getting his sperm count tested. In fact, he was adamantly opposed, and when Caitlin asked why, he gave no reason, only clammed up and changed the subject. She would let it go, then wait a month and try again. As the months piled on top of one another and the ovulation kits became a daily ritual and half the time he was overseas on her fertile days anyway and still her period kept coming, she tried everything to cajole him—it was noninvasive, a simple test, so why not just take it so they could pursue the real root of the problem?—but he refused to go.
Having children was not something that Caitlin could take or leave. Not only did she continue to want what she’d always wanted, and what George had always known she wanted—a family—but she wanted it more than ever. She was tired of being alone so much while George was off working. She wanted a purpose to the days that dragged on while he was away. And if that involved George jerking off in a cup so the doctors could find out what it would take to get her pregnant, Caitlin really didn’t think that was too much to ask. She didn’t ask much of George at all, in fact. He had given her so much just by choosing her as his wife that she’d been hesitant to ask for anything. That he would deny her this one request ate away at Caitlin. That she could not persuade him made her think of him as selfish, and thinking that of her otherwise generous husband made her like herself less, which only made her resent him even more.
Finally, with no other options that she could see, she went to Finn and begged him to try to talk some sense into George.
Finn frowned when she explained what was going on. “Weird. Those tests are no big deal.”
“I know. I don’t get it.”
“I mean, they’re really no big deal. There’s this guy I used to work with, Kevin—he teaches in the graphic design program at UC and would hook our firm up with co-ops when we needed them. Anyway, one day a bunch of us go out for beers and he starts telling us that he volunteered for this study the med students were doing on campus. He gave samples, like, once a week for an entire summer, and it had to have been easy, because it’s not like this guy really needed the extra cash.”
“He just happened to mention this?”
Finn laughed. “He was bragging. He found out he has an abnormally high sperm count. I guess sometimes that can actually be a bad thing, because they don’t have enough room to swim, but he had a high volume of fluid too, and … anyway, I guess he was the shining star of the study. Super Sperm, we were calling him. Seemed appropriate, because the guy will sleep with anything that walks.”
She rolled her eyes. “Appropriate, or dangerous?”
“Exactly. Dangerous, probably. But I always did wonder if there was some kind of correlation there. Would you say George’s sex drive seems a little low?”