WHILE MAY HAD seemed to explode with colors, hopes, and dreams, the rest of that summer after I turned eighteen was long and lifeless. It was punctuated by only a few events that crowded to the forefront over the dull roar of everyday drudgery. One was confirmation that I had indeed miscarried. There was a hospital visit to see Nana after her successful surgery in July where I somehow managed to avoid running into Joey. And then, inexplicably, by a middle of the night phone call from Keri Ann saying that Nana Butler had passed away in her sleep.
Keri Ann, coming home from a late shift, had seen Nana’s light still on and gone to check on her. Nana was sitting up in bed, her photo album of the children growing up in her lap.
When I arrived there as fast as I could, I sat with Keri Ann as the EMT’s and then the coroner confirmed her death. Keri Ann showed me the last picture Nana had been looking at.
It was taken back around the first couple of weeks I’d started coming over to the Butlers after school every day. Keri Ann and I were sitting on the front steps smiling. Fourteen-year-old Joey was stopped on his bike to the side. He was alone. He was staring at us. Actually he was staring at me.
“Have you called him?” I asked.
Keri Ann nodded. “He’s driving back.”
“I’m so sorry,” I said, and it seemed so lame.
Right then, the coroner and two EMT’s carried a stretcher to the front door.
Keri Ann folded her face into my neck and began to cry. I held her for what felt like hours. Long after the door closed and the house became silent again.
We were still sitting there when Joey burst through the front door before dawn.
Seeing Joey sucked the breath from my chest. The stark pain and fear etched across his face, his eyes hollow and bleak, broke my heart. His gaze caught mine and held, then slid to his sister. I let go of her and she lurched up toward her brother.
He headed straight for her and gathered her up against his chest, his arms wrapping around her shoulders and her head.
I quietly left the room before I added my grief to their brother-sister moment.
When I heard a sob come from Joey, I walked out the front door, tears streaming down my face.
Normally, I’d take my kayak out to my dad’s boat at times like this. This time, I went home. I woke my mom up early by crawling into her bed.
“Jazz?” she asked, groggily.
“Nana Butler died,” I managed, the words wheezing out of me.
“Oh, baby. Oh no.” She cuddled my back against her and kissed my hair. Spooning herself around my frame, she held me tight until I stopped crying and fell asleep.
JOSEPH BUTLER AND I didn’t have a proper conversation again for almost three years. Not until Keri Ann fell in love with a movie star and went through her own heart break.
The sad truth was I had fallen in love with him. Completely. He was right about me falling in love with the first boy I slept with. I only wished I hadn’t lied to him about it. For three years my heart never fully recovered. And a secret part of me, a part I tried to expunge like it was a stubborn stain, believed we might still have a chance together one day. Maybe if I hadn’t lied to him, he wouldn’t have reacted the way he did. Maybe I wouldn’t have kicked him out. We might still be together. Laughing, and kissing, and driving each other crazy. Pretending he didn’t want a girlfriend. And pretending I didn’t want to be one.
It was stupid.
Completely stupid.
But eighteen year olds tended to be stupid about things like love.
I WALK INTO the Gateway campus of USCB in Bluffton. It’s hard to believe I won’t be back here after this. I’ve finished college!
There’s hardly a soul around. Picking up my photography portfolio that my art teacher has left for me in the administrative office, I head to the boards to check for our hotel management placements. Running my finger down the names and looking for the F’s, I find my name then run my finger sideways to the geographical posting. Holy shit! My stomach lurches.
“Yes!” I scream loudly. It reverberates around the empty halls. The sound of something dropping and a muffled expletive emanates from the office I was just in. “Sorry,” I call.
I’ve gotten the posting I wanted. I’m leaving Butler Cove. My heart is pounding. But I can’t freaking wait. I’ve grown up here. I love South Carolina. I love the Lowcountry. I’ll be back, I know, but right now there’s nothing tying me to it. Joseph flits briefly through my thoughts. Thank God, I’ll finally be somewhere different so I don’t have to be “that girl.” You know, the one who’s always waiting at home for him. My heart squeezes with nostalgia, but mostly it’s filled with hope and excitement.
My phone buzzes.
KA: So … I have news.