What I Actually Said: She said he liked to work in the dining room because it had the best light. Mrs. Jessup joked that he thought she could control the sun, like God.
What You Heard Me Say on TV: She said he thought she could control the sun, like God.
What Paula Said on TV: In other words, he suffered from the delusion that his mother was God.
What I Actually Said: She claimed she had a panic button and a guard dog. She was paranoid about her TV getting stolen by kids who partied behind her house. To tell you the truth, I think she watched one too many CSI shows.
What You Heard Me Say on TV: She had a panic button and a guard dog. She was paranoid.
What Paula Said on TV: It sounds as though Yvonne Jessup lived in fear of being raped and murdered by her own son.
What I Actually Said: I don’t think she understood her son was troubled. She definitely knew nothing about him having a parole officer. I think she was in the dark about his past crimes. And she apologized for what he did to me. That was big for me to hear. I’m still thinking about it.
What You Heard Me Say on TV: She definitely knew nothing about him having a parole officer. That was big for me to hear. I’m still thinking about it.
What Paula Said on TV: Nothing. She winced a millimeter and shook her head almost imperceptibly. It was an expression of disbelief, sympathy, and outrage deserving of an Oscar, all without a sound.
For the record (and I’m guessing there is no longer one beyond my notebook, which is where I wrote this), here are the
Things I Know About Yvonne Jessup:
- Didn’t want to let me in, but I told her it was the right thing to do
- Likes Bob Ross
- Was sorry for the way her son chased me
- Was afraid of a lot of things, but not Donny
- Wishes he was back upstairs
- Doesn’t know if she believes in a God anymore
- Wanted me to remember he was human
On the next page, which happens to be the last page of my notebook, I’ve written:
Things I Know About Donald Jessup:
- Bought his mother a TV
- Was trusting
- Needed quiet so he could concentrate
- Was good at drawing faces
- Drew pictures of his girlfriend
- Liked the same things as his girlfriend
- Was in love
Even if I’m the only one who will ever see it, there is now a record of the truth.
*
In the woods, I tried to count the stars, and when I couldn’t make them out, I divided numbers in my head to keep from screaming. My research is done. I have no more things to count. So I can no longer keep from screaming.
The first time the scream came, I was riding home in the town car from WFYT, and the words came to me, Liv’s voice, lilting in my right ear.
chat, play, more
And all the uncertain things became certain. I threw back my head, bared my throat, and wailed. The driver almost crashed. Dr. Ricker calls them primal screams, says they’re a form of letting off steam and will bring catharsis. They seem to be having the opposite effect. Every time I scream, I get angrier, a wave crashing onto shore followed by another, bigger wave.
chat, play, more
And now I’m angry enough to torch a prom with my mind. Boil a bunny. Bark like a dog. I am all three Furies, breath burning and eyes dripping with blood, waiting at the mouth of Hell to wreak vengeance. Prayer and tears won’t move me.
There is an upside. Erik has moved into our guest room, ostensibly to help Mom deal with my madness. I hadn’t seen him since that night Kellan showed up at my house: the music, the laughter, Mom’s sloppy gestures. I assume some line got crossed while Kellan and I weren’t paying attention, and awkwardness ensued. But any awkwardness has been forgotten, now that I’ve had what I heard Mom tell Erik was a “psychological break.”
As if I’d be this upset over a stupid interview that I agreed to from the beginning. I like to think it takes a little more than being violated by Paula Papademetriou to send me stomping around the house, pulling out my hair, and yelling into pillows.
Being violated by my best friend: that’s different.
I’ve taken to locking myself in my car in the garage, or slipping into the thatch of trees behind our house, just to save Mom and Erik from witnessing the ugly. Especially Mom. Among my other new habits: slipping the Klonopin Ricker gave me between my teeth and burying it in my spider plant. Which is looking very relaxed. I had to keep my wits sharp, to finish my research.