After All

“But you said it was her idea, this whole stunt.”

“I know, it was. That’s why it’s so weird. Anyway, I guess it doesn’t really matter.”

“Why not?”

“Because eventually the contract will run out and we’ll part ways.”

“Alyssa…you know it doesn’t have to be that way. Stop pretending you don’t have feelings for the man. It’s obvious.”

Ugh. Is it really? I hate that it is.

“Is it obvious to Emmett?”

“I don’t know,” she says with a shrug. “Men are so dense sometimes.”

“Sometimes or always?”

“You know, you could just have an actual conversation with Emmett about all this.”

“I do have conversations with him.”

“I meant about your actual, real relationship. How you feel.”

“Well, that has come up once.”

“And?”

“And I told him he was a player and he owned up to it. He didn’t deny it. I said I didn’t want to have feelings for him because he would just hurt me in the end and he fucking agreed with me!”

She holds out her palm. “Wait. How long ago was this?”

“I don’t know, three weeks ago?”

“And is it possible you both feel differently now than you did a few weeks ago?”

God, yes. Every single feeling I have about him has been driven in deep, embedded into my skin and bones.

“Maybe,” I warily admit.

“And could it be because you brought up the fact that you didn’t want to have feelings for him because of the way you say he is, that he just agreed with you to save face.”

Ah. Shit.

“Maaaaaaaybe.”

“I bet that’s what it is. No one wants to hear that another person doesn’t want to develop feelings for them. Alyssa, that’s harsh.”

“I’m prickly,” I say feebly by way of explanation. “And he’s a man who has probably been in my shoes a million times and he can take it.”

“Just because you see Emmett as a player and a man doesn’t mean he doesn’t have feelings himself. That’s all.”

I close my eyes and exhale. Could that be right? Could he have just said all that because he thought it was pointless to argue with me? Because he didn’t want to be the one saying, please feel something for me?

Who knows.

“Man. This shit gets more confusing day by day,” I tell her.

“No kidding. I honestly don’t know how you do it. Why you even agreed to this ridiculous contract to begin with.”

“Right. Well here’s the thing.” I take in a deep breath. “I haven’t been exactly honest with you.”

Her frown deepens in the shadows. “What do you mean?”

“Well,” I say as I fish out a marshmallow and stick it on the end of the poker, “the whole fake relationship thing with Emmett? There was an incentive to go along with it.”

“What kind of incentive?”

“Money. Lots of money.”

Her brows raise. I lance the stick into the fire and sparks dance into the air.

“How much?”

“Forty thousand.”

She blinks at me for a moment and then lets out a dry laugh. “Wow. Okay. Why didn’t you tell me that before?”

“Two reasons. I didn’t want you to think I was, like, a whore or something.”

“But you were paid to date Emmett for publicity, not sex. Right?”

“Yes of course. But still. It was hard to explain.” I rotate the stick when one side gets perfectly charred.

“And the other reason?”

“I wanted the money so that I could quit Mad Men Studios.” I glance at her. “Please don’t tell Will that. You can’t. You have to promise.”

“I won’t tell him,” she says after a beat. Her eyes look sincere in the fire light and I know she’ll keep it secret, even though I’m sure that’s the last thing she wants to do this early on in her marriage.

“I promise I’ll let him and your father know soon. I’m just waiting for the right time.”

She nods, chewing on her lip for a moment. “Honestly, I’m not surprised. And Will won’t be either. He’s told me on more than one occasion that you’re too good for the job, that you’re not being challenged. I’m sure my father feels the same way too. But…what are you going to do instead?”

I hesitate for a moment, bringing the marshmallow out of the fire and blowing out the flames. “Don’t judge but…acting.”

“Acting?”

“Yup.”

“Didn’t you used to do that?”

“I did. And sometimes I still do. I still have head shots, I still go on auditions sometimes. I take those damn Master Classes online with Kevin Spacey.” She laughs at that one. “I do what I can to keep the dream alive. But it’s not enough. I want to quit so I can devote my time to it, full-time. I want to give it one last shot. And if it doesn’t work, then at least I tried.”

Silence envelopes us. The crickets are starting up again.

“I’m not judging,” Jackie says slowly. “And I think it’s great. But you’re almost thirty…”

“So? Who says you have to have all your shit figured out when you’re young? I’d rather try and find myself now and see what happens than wait and let it pass me by.”

“I guess. And if it doesn’t work out?”

I shrug. “Then I’ll have no regrets. Oh, come on, admit it, it’s a crazy idea but it makes sense for me.”

“You’re kind of right about that. It is crazy.”

“But you only live once. I’m not expecting the world but I am expecting something I can look back on and be, wow, I’m glad I did that. For a while there, I really fucking lived. And Just Jackie, so far, I haven’t felt like I’ve been living. Just going through the motions, doing the things we’re told we should do, the things we’re supposed to do. In fact, the only time I’ve felt remotely alive is…”

I trail off. I realize that I’m about name Emmett and I know that on the plane, he pretty much said the same thing to me.

“It’s Emmett,” Jackie fills in. “I know it. Ever since you started dating him, fake or not, you’ve changed. For the better, of course. Even Tiffany and I were talking about it the other day.”

I give her a sharp look. “She still thinks it’s real, right?”

“She thinks it’s real because it is real. Alyssa…that cliff we talked about? You’re so far over it, you can’t even see it anymore.”

I take a long sip of my cider and sigh. “There’s no point in hiding it anymore, is there.”

“Nope. Welcome to the Love Club.” She raises her can. “Though I have to say, I didn’t make forty grand when I fell in love with Will.”

No, but he probably spent that much trying to woo you, I think to myself. “The thing is…I didn’t just do it for the money,” I tell her. “That wasn’t enough, really. The real reason I went out with Emmett was…because it felt like the right thing to do. I know how nuts that sounds but for such a crazy situation, being with him just made sense.”

A slow smile comes across her lips. “No. I get it. Your soul was familiar with him before you were.”