“Maybe not, but I wasn’t the right person for you back then, either.” She’d understand. She always did. “So I went where I could do things you’d be proud of. I went into service and tried to figure out what things I was good at. I learned. I did a lot of things.”
“And then what?” Her voice had a surprising edge to it. One he’d never heard directed at him. “Then you came back a new man? It’s not like you came in and swept me off my feet. You came back into my life and stepped right back into the spot you left. Friends. Nothing was different.”
“You deserve better. I still believe that.” Because he hadn’t become a better man. Different, yes. Scarred. Damaged. “I’m not a good person.”
He’d killed people. Not all of them had deserved to die. Only some of them had been trying to kill him first. He’d given up on doing the right thing and he was going to hell.
“So you came back just to be my friend?” There was so much hurt in her voice. “Or were you waiting for me to yell at you until you gave in? Like I did the other night.”
“No.” It hadn’t been his intention. “I didn’t mean for that—”
“Don’t you dare say sleeping with me was an accident.”
He swallowed hard. “It wasn’t.”
“And however much stress I’ve been under, I’ve been in full possession of my cognitive abilities. You in no way took advantage of me.” She was sitting up straight in her seat. “I knew exactly what I wanted.”
“You always have.” He smiled. It was something he’d held on to through the years. Her conviction was amazing. “To be honest, I came back and I wasn’t even sure you’d be willing to be friends again.”
“Why not?” she snapped, still riding the momentum of her temper.
“Because I left. I knew you’d be mad.”
“You left without a word. Without saying good-bye.”
“Yeah.”
She was silent.
“So I came back and I figured you’d either hate me or be my friend again. It was worth the risk to find out.” He’d just about had a heart attack when she’d shown up on his property. He hadn’t been sure if she’d come to yell at him and leave or if she’d been intending to cry and throw something in his face. She’d done none of those things. Instead, she’d asked him to introduce her to his first dogs.
“You needed to build a life again in the civilian world.” Her statement was quiet, full of compassion.
He nodded. They were almost back at the cabin. All was quiet. “To a certain extent, yes.”
“It still doesn’t help.”
His heart stopped. “Why?”
She knew now, or at least he thought he’d explained it. “Your dad didn’t mean to chase me away. He just didn’t think I was the right person for you, and he was right. I wasn’t. Not at the time.”
“That’s just it.” She popped her seat belt as he brought the SUV to a stop. “You still agree with him. You don’t even know what he thinks of you now and you still agree with what he told you years ago. And if you do, then you’re just going to do the exact same thing to me again. You’re going to make a decision all on your own and not give me any choice in the situation. You’re going to be with me for as long as you think it’s the right thing to do and then one day I’m going to turn around and you’ll be gone. Again. Or dead. Either way, it’s the same.”
Her voice had gone flat. “I broke the day you left me the first time. Everyone just watched who they thought was Sophie grow up and do all the things they expected her to. I didn’t live, not one single day between then and when you came back. And now, I know you could decide to disappear again at any moment. Only this time, I won’t have any sort of practical guide for how my life should be able to go on without you.”
*
“That’s not true.”
She didn’t want to listen to him anymore. Mostly because what she’d said was true. Oh, she’d proven what other people had believed of her. She’d been smart enough, worked hard enough, been independent enough to go out and exist on her own. They’d all been so proud of what she’d accomplished.
But there was a difference between existing and living.
“I’ve been practical and realistic.” She let her head fall back against the head rest of the SUV. The exhaustion weighing her down was more than the stress of the past few days or the elation of finally having gotten through the barrier Brandon had erected between them. It was finally having nothing left to hide behind when it came to taking a long, honest look at herself. “What I want isn’t something I’ve ever admitted, even to myself, until I decided to seduce you into admitting you wanted me as much as I wanted you. Doesn’t that make me a bad person?”
“No.” He could deny it all he wanted, but his voice had gone gruff.