AS WE approached, we could see movement atop the walkways on the walls that surrounded the City of Lockes. Given Kevin’s size, I was sure we’d been spotted long ago, but I wasn’t too worried about it. At least not yet.
Okay. Maybe I started to get a little worried when the gates opened and Dark wizards poured out, standing in a regimented line even before we could announce ourselves. I had complete and utter forty-seven percent faith in my plan, but there was still that small fifty-three percent that niggled at the back of my mind. Everything hinged on the next few moments, and I hoped that everyone was ready to play their roles to perfection.
I knew that we might have been a little bit fucked when Gary exclaimed in a loud voice, “Oh no! ’Tis the Dark wizards! Whatever shall we do? The fear is tingling down my thighs like I have restless leg syndrome!”
“Oh my gods,” I muttered. “Gary, shut up.”
“I’m just getting into character,” he hissed back. “You know I’m not good playing the damsel in distress. I’m much too tough for such frivolities. I am a strong, independent unicorn who don’t need no mens to rescue him, thank you very much.”
“Don’t need no mens,” Tiggy growled, his big hands curling into fists as he watched the Dark wizards ahead of us.
“We’re doomed,” I told Ryan. “Just so you know.”
“You always say that.”
“Yes, well. I mean it this time.”
“You there!” one of the Dark wizards cried. “Stop where you are!”
“Maybe I want to stop where I’m not,” Kevin said.
“Kevin!”
“What. You know I don’t like being told what to—oh. Right. The plan.” He winked down at me. “Daddy’s got you.”
“Is that what it would have taken?” Dimitri asked me stiffly. “Daddy play? Because I can do that. In case you can’t tell, I do have a mustache. There’s nothing more daddy than having a mustache.”
“Stop hitting on him or I’m going to punch you with my finger,” Ryan snapped at him.
“Hello there!” I called out to the Darks, desperately trying to retain control of the situation, because this was the stupidest idea I’d ever had. “Do you know who I am?”
The Darks looked at each other before they all shrugged. “Is your name John?”
I gaped at them.
“Not John, then,” another Dark said. “To be fair, he doesn’t really look like a John. More of a Terrance.”
“Terrance,” a third Dark scoffed. “You think everyone looks like a Terrance, only because your name is Terrance. Just because that’s a terrible wizard name doesn’t mean you need to foist your insecurities on the rest of us.” He scoffed. “Terrance.”
“Aw,” Terrance said, looking down and kicking at the dirt.
“I’ll be honest,” I said, “my ego took a little hit that they don’t know who I am. I mean, I know I shouldn’t let things like that affect me, but it really does.”
“You’re still wearing your hood,” Gary said. “They probably can’t see your face. Also, you egotistical whore.”
I pulled back my hood, revealing myself.
The Dark wizards gasped and took a step back.
“Aha!” I said. “That’s better. Though you would think the unicorn, half-giant, and dragon would have given me away.”
“What about me?” Ryan asked, brow furrowed.
“You’re a knight,” I told him, patting him on his metal shoulder. “You all look the same.”
“Ha,” Kevin said. “That’s so true.”
Ryan sighed.
“It’s Sam of Dragons!” one of the Darks cried. “Sound the alarm!”
“Wait!”
They all looked at me.
“Huh,” I said. “I didn’t think that would work. You’re legitimately waiting.”
“Focus,” Dimitri hissed at me.
“Oh. Right. Hello! Yes, hi. You are correct, it is I. Sam of Dragons. But I am not here for the reason you think.”
“You’re not here to try and destroy the Darks, rescue the people of the City of Lockes, and defeat Myrin as the prophecy foretold?” Terrance asked.
Godsdamn Terrance. “No,” I said as evenly as possible. “I’m not.”
“What?” Kevin said, overloud. “Why, whatever do you mean, Sam? I thought that’s the exact reason we came here. To destroy the Darks, rescue people, and defeat Myrin. You are the chosen one, after all.”
“Right,” I said. “I am the chosen one.”
Gary snickered next to me before I shot him a glare. He was able to semibelievably cover it up with a cough. “Yes, Sam,” he said. “As my husband said, whatever do you mean?”
“Yes,” I said. “See, I just said that in order to get you—”
“Traitor!” Kevin said.
I narrowed my eyes as I looked up at him. “You said your line too early.”
“Pot, meet kettle,” Gary muttered.
“Oh. Right. Sorry. I just got excited.”
“What’s going on?” one of the Darks asked.
“I have no idea,” another said.
“Like I was saying,” I continued, “I just said that in order to get all of you here, because you see, I have a surprise for all of you.”
“He has a surprise for all of us?” Terrance asked. “I do like surprises.”
Godsdamn Terrance. “Not for you. For my motley crew of travelers.”
“What surprise?” Tiggy asked right on cue, because unlike some of the people next to me, he understood the script.
I chuckled in what I hoped was a disconcertingly evil fashion. “Ah, my dear fellow, I am so glad you asked. Because you see, the truth is….”
All the Darks leaned forward.
“I have turned to the other side!” I shouted.
Silence.
Legit, like, a lot of silence.
“Kevin,” I muttered. “Anytime now.”
“Hmm? What are you—oh. Right!” He cleared his throat. “Traitor.”
“That’s exactly right,” I crowed, beginning to pace in front of my friends. “I, Sam of Dragons, have forsaken the teachings of my mentors and am now a Dark wizard.”
“Ooh,” the Dark wizards said.
“I knew that was going to happen,” Terrance said.
“You did not, Terrance,” one of the Darks snapped.
“I did,” Terrance insisted. “I told myself, Terrance, old boy, I bet you one day Sam of Dragons is going to show up here at the gates and then turn on his people.”
“Fucking Terrance,” another Dark muttered.
Gary pranced toward me. “But Sam,” he cried dramatically. His bouffant wobbled ridiculously on his head. “We’re friends. Best friends even. Maybe even more than that, because that line blurred a few times, especially when you drank too much and started eyeing my flanks like you wanted to lift my tail and stick your face up in there.”
Gary and his ad-libbing were going to be the death of us. “Yes,” I said. “That. Well, even you couldn’t sway me with your succulent wiles. I have turned Dark, and that is all there is to it.”
He looked gleeful when he was supposed to be emotionally destroyed. “My succulent what now? Ryan, did you hear that? He thinks I’m succulent.”
“I heard,” Ryan said through gritted teeth.
“And you,” I told Dimitri, trying to get us back on track. “I have betrayed you because I believe you to be a perfect offering to the greatest wizard in the world. After all, Myrin would love to have the king of the fairies as a prisoner.”
The Darks sounded rather pleased about that. “That’s so true,” one of them said.
Dimitri buzzed angrily. “You think you can stop me?” he asked. “I am the king of the Dark Woods. I am the Guardian of the Forest. The Keeper of the Trees. The—”
“We get it,” I said.
“Good,” he snapped. “Because nothing you can do can stop me.”
“You forget,” I said, arching an evil eyebrow at him. “I am the master of the dragons. They belong to me. They are in my control. Perhaps an exhibition of my power would show you just how wrong you are.”
“Do your worst,” Tiggy intoned. “I smash you good.”
“Ha, ha, ha! I would like to see you try, you giant of a man. Now, enough talking! Behold, the strength of Sam of Dragons!”
“I got chills with that,” Gary whispered to me. “Like, if this was real, I would consider being scared.”
“Cool, right?” I whispered back.
And then a bright light burst from my hand, a ball of swirling energy that was absolutely nothing at all. I’d used a smaller version in the sewer tunnels. It wasn’t even warm.
But the Darks didn’t know that.