My jaw flexed, teeth clenching almost painfully. "I saw Elliot."
He waited. "You've seen her every day this week."
"I saw her with a guy."
"Ah," he said knowingly and with lament. "Boyfriend?"
"I don't know. Seemed that way."
"Did Sophie mention she was seeing someone?"
"We don't discuss Elliot. Ever." I killed my beer and walked over to the fridge for another.
"Well, maybe it's nothing. Maybe he's just a friend."
I twisted the cap and dropped it on the counter with a clink as I took a swig, wishing I could drown the part of me that cared.
"Doesn't matter," I said, wishing it did.
Ben watched me, and I avoided his eyes, fixing my gaze across the room at nothing in particular.
"If it doesn't matter, why are you upset?" he asked.
"Because." I paused, wishing I could leave it at that, but there was no hiding from Ben. "I thought … I thought she felt like I did. I thought she couldn't be with anyone else." The words were quiet, my eyes still distant. "But it was just me. She found a way to move on. Why couldn't I?"
He didn't answer for a moment, and I'm not sure I expected one as I dug through my feelings, the sensation like cold hands through muddy earth.
"You loved her, and you still do. What you've been through, what we've been through, the war, the isolation … it changes us, makes it harder to let go. It's rigid, our lives. And you never stopped loving her."
I leaned on the counter and dropped my head to my hands, slipping my fingers into my hair. "I don't know how to stop."
"But you don't want to be with her?"
"What I want isn't an option. What I want died seven years ago. What I want doesn't want me. I made sure of that a long time ago."
His brows knit together. "You don't know that for sure because you still haven't talked to her."
I didn't answer, just pulled in a long breath through my nose and let it out.
"Ask Sophie about the guy."
"And what good does that do me?"
"It'll ease your mind. Or not. But then you'll know for sure."
I lifted my head to meet his eyes. "And then what do I do? Ask her out on a date?" I shook my head at the ridiculousness of the thought. "Two issues: There are too many problems between us and not enough solutions, and I'm not here for her. I'm here for him." I pointed toward the library. "I shouldn't even be thinking about her. I shouldn't want her, not now. It's impossible, Ben."
"Nothing's impossible. Do you really think there's no way to bridge the gap here? You haven't spoken to her in seven years. The last real conversation you had, you broke up. You were eighteen. You don't think there's even a slight chance you could talk? Forgive each other? Make amends?"
I shook my head, eyes on the surface of the island. "You don't understand. It's not just what she said or what I said — it's deeper than that." I paused, gathering my thoughts. "It wasn't what was done, it was what wasn't done. And now I've changed, and so has she. There's no going back."
"Then go forward."
I shook my head, looking away. "It's not that easy."
"Sometimes it's exactly that easy."
I blinked at him, hearing echoes of Elliot's voice, wondering for the first time if I should take my own advice.
12
Limbo
The in-between
The purgatory
Of floating
Like vapor
And mist
Uncontained.
* * *
-M. White
* * *
Elliot
The next morning, we sat on the floor in the living room as Sammy and Maven laughed from Jack's back. It was early, but Jack had insisted he come over before I took the kids to school to bring everything for the camp-in tonight, since we hadn't had time to pick it up the day before.
I couldn't help but smile as Jack whinnied, crawling around in circles. Dad laughed before taking a sip of his gin, then glanced at me meaningfully.
"I like him, Elliot." The words were pointed and direct, obvious and embarrassing.
But I smiled through the flush in my cheeks. "I guess he's not half-bad."
Jack shot me a smile and a wink before he neighed, raising his arms, and the kids squealed.
Dad sat there on the couch in his bathrobe, nursing his gin at eight-thirty in the morning, scheming — I could see it in the arch of his brow and the tick of the corner of his lips. I had to admit, I was surprised he'd nudge Jack to me before Beth. It was all an enigma to me. They all were, really.
I found myself longing for simple relationships like I had with Sophie and Rick. I knew it didn't have to be so hard, but I struggled to find anyone whom I could be myself with, freely and without apology, friends without strings or expectations or motives.
I also longed for Dad to go back to Miami.
"Have you been enjoying your visit, Dad?" I asked, wondering if I could get any information out of him on the matter.
"Very much," he answered, two sugary sweet words that held an edge of some meaning I couldn't quite grasp.
"Have you decided how much longer you'll be here?"
He scowled at that, glaring at me. "Why? Already tired of me? We've only just gotten here, and you're already pushing us out the door. And it's not even your door!"
Mercifully, Charlie walked in, dressed in a suit with his coat hung over his arm, defusing the situation with his presence. He smiled, surprised when he saw his friend. "Jack? What are you doing here, man?"
"Came by to bring the gear for Elliot."
"Aren't you chivalrous?"
He flipped Maven off his back, setting her on her feet, then Sammy just the same. "I'm a regular old hero."
Dad admired Jack as he stood. "So tall. And handsome. Tell me you're rich, too."
Jack laughed awkwardly and ran a hand through his hair. "Thanks, Mr. Kelly. I do all right."
"Mmm. Quite a catch." Another look at me over the top of his glass.
I ignored him. "Come on, kids. Ready for school?"
They cheered and giggled, following me into the entryway.
"We still on for drinks tonight?" Charlie asked as I put coats on the kids.
"At six, right?" Jack pulled on his coat, glancing at me. "Can you get away with Elliot gone?"
"Mary will survive."
Jack laughed just as the front door opened. "I want to be in the room when you tell her that."
"Tell me what?" Mary asked, looking haggard as she walked into the entry. Her eyes narrowed when she saw Jack. "What are you doing here?"
"Good to see you too," he answered happily and brushed past her to stand next to me. "I was just bringing some stuff by for Elliot and was going to walk her and the kids to school."
She glanced at me with a look that would have withered anyone else, but I went about my business, immune. They say that when you care, it gives them power. And she had no power over me.
She didn't have a chance to respond before Charlie jumped in.
"We were just talking about tonight. Elliot was here last night, and she's got a big thing at Rick's tonight, so she's off the clock. Jack and I are getting drinks, so you've got the kids this afternoon and dinner tonight."