"Psh, I'm easy — all I need are three hots and a cot."
It might have been nice, having him there as a buffer, but I couldn't accept the offer no matter how much it could help. He didn't need this in his life. "I'll be all right. But thanks, Ben. I appreciate it."
"Anytime," he said, sounding a little disappointed. "If you change your mind, just let me know."
"I will."
"So how is it, being back in the States?"
I looked around at my childhood home, feeling nostalgic and out of place. "It's weird. It's always weird."
"Feels like another life." He paused for a second, and I wondered warily what he was about to say. "So, have you seen her?"
Even without hearing her name, she invaded my mind. And Ben knew. He knew all about her, knew about us, knew she was friends with Sophie and all about her relationship with my dad. He knew everything about me — we'd been together since my first tour in Afghanistan.
He was my best friend. My only friend.
"She's here right now," I answered.
He drew a breath and let it out. "How bad is it?"
I ran a hand over my face and stood to pace again. "Bad. I can't deal with her on top of …"
"Yeah."
"But she's going to be around. A lot. And I have no idea what to do about it."
"How's it gone so far?"
"I don't know, man," I said, frustrated. "I'm not prepared for this, not for any of it, and she's the last thing on my mind right now," I lied.
"Liar."
I rolled my eyes. "What do you want me to say, Ben? I don't want to see her, but she's here and she'll be here, and I've just got to deal with it however I can."
He sighed. "Fair enough."
The doorbell chimed, and I stood. "Goddammit," I mumbled. "I've gotta go. Somebody's at the door."
"All right. Just hit me up and let me know how things are going."
"I will," I said as I charged through the hallway, hanging up and shoving my phone back into my pocket. I pulled the door open with a whoosh that sent the blond ponytail of the woman on my stoop swaying.
Lou, my cousin by marriage, stood on the front porch holding a casserole. She was tall and blond with high cheekbones and wide, blue eyes, and I'd never been so unhappy to see someone smiling than I was right then.
"Wade!"
"Hey, Lou. Come on in," I said gruffly, and she obliged without protest.
"I'm so sorry," she said as I closed the door. "For everything."
I cleared my throat, not sure what to say. Luckily, she didn't wait on me.
"Jeannie wanted me to bring this casserole by so you had dinner tonight. She would have brought it by herself, but she's at work and didn't want you to make plans." She offered the covered dish to me, and I took it.
"She could have just called," I grumbled under my breath as I set it on the hall table. Sophie and Sadie appeared at the top of the stairs with Elliot behind them. There were too many people, too many things happening, too much chaos, and I felt strangled by it all.
"Lou!" Sophie called, hurrying down the stairs to hug her.
She wrapped her arms around my sister. "Sophie. I'm so sorry."
Sophie's breath hitched. "Thank you." She pulled away and glanced at the casserole. "Oh, this is so thoughtful. God, I hadn't even thought about what we'd do for dinner."
Lou's brow dropped. "Have you eaten?"
We all shook our heads.
"Well, let me get it started for you, then."
"You don't have to do that, Lou," I said, hating that she felt obligated, wishing she would go. Wishing everyone would just go.
She smiled over at me. "Oh, I don't mind. I love taking care of people."
Lou hadn't seen Elliot standing behind the girls — this wasn't uncommon, most people didn't see her unless they were looking right at her. I was unfortunately not one of those people.
"Oh, hello. We haven't met," Lou said, and I caught a hint of confusion, tinged with wariness.
"Elliot," I said, and her eyes darted to me at the sound of her name just as my heart stopped at the feel of it on my lips. "This is my cousin, Louisa."
Lou gave me a little look, smiling. "By marriage," she added, propping the dish on her hip to free her hand, which she extended. "Nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you too," Elliot echoed meekly.
Lou smiled. "I'll just be a second. Wade, did you want to help me out?"
Elliot and I glanced at each other and away just as fast. "Sure," I answered, following her into the kitchen.
She headed straight for the oven and turned it on, setting the casserole dish on the counter as I wondered exactly what I could help with. So I leaned on the counter and watched her, feeling useless and uncomfortable.
"I really am so sorry, Wade."
I shifted and folded my arms. "Thanks."
Her eyes were full of pity. "I know I haven't always been part of the family, but Dad and I have always felt like it, thanks to Rick."
I nodded, not sure what I was supposed to say.
"Anyway," she continued, turning for the cabinets next to me. "We're here for you guys. Just let us know what we can do to help. You've got my number, so call whenever. I mean it." She picked up a stack of plates and wobbled a little — I was at her side in a flash, steadying her. Her cheeks flushed as she looked up at me, smiling. "Gosh, thanks, Wade. I'm such a klutz."
"No problem."
I took the plates and turned, not wanting to give her the wrong idea. In part because she was looking at me like she'd wanted me to kiss her. The thought was another in a myriad of events and feelings that I couldn't find a way to process.
Aunt Jeannie had married her dad after I left, so I didn't know Lou all that well, but from the first time I'd met her, she'd had a thing for me. She was always flirting, and though she wasn't unpleasant at all — in fact, she was beautiful — I'd never even considered her. That didn't stop her from trying.
The oven beeped, and she practically bounced to the casserole, popped it into the oven, and set the timer for twenty minutes.
"This'll be ready in a jiffy," she said with a smile. "I can't leave until you're fed and taken care of. Come sit down, take a break. This can't be easy on you."
I took a breath and let it out, taking a seat, not comforted by her endeavor to 'take care' of me. But I didn't think she'd take no for an answer, and I found myself without the energy or means to argue. She was trying to help, and the alternative was trying to avoid Elliot. The kitchen suddenly seemed as good a place as any to do just that.
Lou smiled and popped open the fridge, returning with a beer that she expertly popped the top of before handing it over, looking pleased.
"So, tell me what's been up with you? My God, I feel like I haven't seen you in years, but it was just Christmas-before-last, right?"
I took a long pull of my beer and nodded. "I wasn't here very long."
"Right, just dinner on Christmas Eve and then Christmas morning?"
"Yeah. I had to get back, but at least I didn't miss Uncle Jerry's drunken Bing Crosby karaoke."