‘Oh God,’ I say, smiling. Neither do I. But we can be soft together. Anyway, soft is more . . . ‘huggable.’
He grins. You are very . . . ‘huggable.’ Among other things.
I like that. Among other things. I can be more than one thing.
Sometimes I feel like I’m in two worlds, he continues. The hearing world and the deaf world. But I’m not sure which one I belong in.
Does that bother you a lot?
Sometimes, yeah.
Maybe you’re still figuring it out, I say. And maybe that’s OK? So long as there’s room for me?
A smile, wide and genuine, blooms on his face. I’m sure I can make room for you. If you’ll have me.
I lift myself up and move towards him and he opens his arms to me, pulling me in for a hug. I settle against him, curling my head against his chest, closing my eyes. No one needs to be able to hear or speak to hug. We could be any couple, with any problems, making up after a fight about anything.
Maybe we won’t be together forever. Maybe we won’t even make it to next year. And, if that happens, maybe it’ll be because of these problems or new problems we haven’t even imagined yet. But I love him, and he loves me.
And that, among other things, is enough.
Author’s Note
If you’d like to find out more about BSL, or perhaps even learn it yourself, there are plenty of online and in-person courses available, offering accredited BSL qualifications from beginner-level through to expert. A good place to start is Signature (signature.org.uk), where you can find loads of information about the different qualifications and courses and where/how to complete them. I took an introductory online course, where I learned the basics from colours and numbers to finger-spelling the alphabet. During my research I also used a number of different online resources and an app called Sign BSL.
BSL is a fascinating and beautiful visual language with its own grammar structure and syntax. I’ve tried to do it justice, but if there are any errors in the descriptions of certain signs, they’re my fault and I’m very sorry!
Even if you have just a passing interest in BSL, I urge you to watch some BSL songs on YouTube – they are amazing.
If, like Steffi, you’re struggling with a form of anxiety, you’re not alone. Understanding and awareness is getting better every year and there is help available. You are not making it up, or overreacting, or making a fuss out of nothing. You deserve to feel confident and safe and happy. If you think you might have an anxiety disorder, speak to your GP, or try a service like Anxiety UK (anxietyuk.org.uk) for help and advice.
You can find more information, support and advice about selective mutism specifically at SMIRA (smira.org.uk).
Acknowledgements
First and foremost thanks, as ever, to Claire Wilson, best agent and excellent human. Thank you also to Rosie Price and everyone at RCW.
The team at Macmillan Children’s Books is full of enthusiastic, supportive, dynamic and all-round brilliant people and I feel honoured to be on their list. You took a Word document and turned it into this beautiful book – I am so grateful. Thanks in particular to Rachel Petty, Bea Cross and Kat McKenna, the dream team, who deserve so much more than a sentence at the end of a book.
And thank you to . . .
Rachael Veazey and Claire Sloan, who gave their insight and expertise on deaf culture and BSL with such generosity, patience and warmth.
The amazing UKYA community for your unfailing encouragement, enthusiasm and support. You all know who you are, but a special shout out to Katie, George, Lucy, Arianne, Non, Holly, Lexi, Christie, Anna, Lauren, Harriet, Eleanor, Cat and all the people I’ve inevitably missed (I’m very sorry). Sharing this with all of you is an absolute joy.
Holly Bourne, for being the kind of writer buddy who understands that the process is forty per cent tea, forty per cent cake and twenty per cent actual writing.
Mel Salisbury, for so many things, but especially for all the handy puns. Those handy, handy puns.
My lovely family, especially Dad, who taught me that ‘quieter people make the most noise’.
Lora, my template for everything a best friend can be.
And finally, Tom – thank you for sharing this love story with me.