Two hours later, wearing one of the ubiquitous cocktail dresses, in bright red taffeta, tight waisted with an almost excessively low neckline, her hair swept up in a chignon, a cloud of Carven’s Ma Griffe perfume surrounding her, she walked into the cocktail bar where Tom was waiting for her.
He stood up, slightly dazed by her beauty, her sexiness, thinking how dangerous it was to be meeting her today of all days when he and Alice, poor, weary, white-faced Alice, were still facing one another across a chasm of reproach and resentment. But the thought of being with Diana was compelling. Her phone call and his acceptance of her invitation had opened the gates, albeit briefly, to some kind of nirvana, a paradise of style and chic, where no babies cried, no nappies needed his attention, where he was smiled at, kissed, welcomed. She almost certainly wouldn’t be able to understand his misery, or help him out of it. It was simply that she was so far removed, with her beauty and her glamour, and the absurd combination of naivety and sophistication that gave her her charm; it was such a relief from his own world. That, with its combination of professional failure and domestic struggle, seemed to hold nothing for him. An hour of her company promised relief, however temporary. It was a crazy, dangerous adventure, he feared, the whole thing, but one that, having been considered, was irresistible.
‘I wanted to thank you for Hugh Harding, but it’s you who seem depressed,’ Diana said, looking at him thoughtfully over the gin and tonic she had requested. Tom was downing rather fast a Bloody Mary, to which he had been quietly addicted ever since she had introduced him to it in the Salisbury. Since the only person he knew who could fund such a habit was Donald Herbert, he had only had half a dozen since. Herbert had been intrigued by this new addition to what he called Tom’s upmarket repertoire and enquired how it had come about. Tom refused to tell him, said rather vaguely that he had just come across it. Herbert gave him a sharp look and said, ‘I see Diana Southcott’s hand in this. Am I right?’ Then he looked at him very seriously. ‘Don’t let her get her long red talons into you, Tom, whatever you do. She’s lovely and very sexy, and quite clearly after you, for which I envy you.’
‘I’m sure she’s not,’ said Tom rather feebly, trying to crush the streak of pleasure he felt at the concept.
‘Of course she is. But at the stage you’re at in this game, you can’t afford a scandal. Later on, when you’re established, you can risk a bit, but now people will never forgive you. Your public, such as they are, are in love with you and Alice and your family, filled with youth and innocence; hold on to that, Tom, it’s very precious and not to be thrown away.’
Tom felt violently irritated. ‘There is no question of Diana getting her talons into me, as you put it,’ he said. ‘And anyway, I think I can be trusted to make such judgements myself.’
He sounded pompous and he knew it.
Herbert looked at him, his eyes unreadable; then he said, in a voice Tom had not heard before, a voice at once amused and sharp, ‘Don’t be too sure of that, Tom. You have a long road to travel yet, most of it unfamiliar to you, and if you are tired of my company, then let me assure you I can find other pilgrims on the same journey and leave you in peace. But think carefully before you decide on that. You’re in treacherous company, Tom, surrounded by potential enemies. You need to be with people you trust; trust is the most important thing in this business.’
Tom felt immediately panicked. He owed everything to Donald Herbert – he would have got nowhere at all without his help, nor much further without it now. ‘I’m sorry, Donald,’ he said quickly. ‘I’m behaving like a brat.’
‘Your absolute prerogative,’ said Donald. ‘I’m just advising you not to fly too near to the sun. Now drink your fancy drink and let’s discuss the possible dates of the next general election.’
This conversation came back to Tom sharply now, as the waiter approached with the drinks on a tray; he looked round the bar, thinking he had been foolish to come at the snap of Diana’s imperious fingers.
‘Darling,’ Diana said, pulling out her cigarette holder and filling it with one of the turquoise Balkan Sobranie ‘cocktail cigarettes’ that were her latest discovery, ‘are you depressed?’
Tom, thinking not for the first time how extraordinarily perceptive she was for one so self-obsessed, found himself going against all Donald Herbert’s advice, and said he was, just a little. Then she moved slightly nearer to him, engulfing him in Ma Griffe and suggesting very gently that she would be happy to hear why if that might be helpful. ‘That’s what our friends thing is all about, isn’t it?’ And Tom went against quite a lot more of the advice, and told her far, far more than he sensibly should have done.
Chapter 36
1954
Jillie had passed her finals. Not particularly well, but at least passed. It seemed scarcely credible after everything she had been through: all those years of being mocked and belittled by Miss Moran, the endless lonely hours of studying, the terror of the vivas. But she had done it and that lovely summer evening, the dappled sunlight falling onto the pavement, she walked home smiling foolishly. Then fiercely, she longed to have someone to tell, other than her parents and Alice, someone who would rejoice with her, someone like, well, yes, someone like Ned. She thought then that if she did ring him and tell him, even as things were, or rather were not between them, he would rejoice, genuinely and with a full heart. But she knew it would be wrong beyond anything, that however much they had loved one another – and it had been love – the line had been drawn and could never be crossed again. She would be tearing open wounds that were beginning finally to heal.
She still missed him, she was lonely for him; and even as her parents raised their champagne glasses to her in congratulation, Alice’s excited squeals still in her ears, she thought how far she still was from finding anyone who could begin to replace Ned in her life and in her heart, and felt very sad.