‘It’s the thought of losing Jamie that really breaks my heart. I know I’m a pretty terrible person, but I am a good mother. I love him so much, and the thought of only seeing him – well, how often would I see him, do you think? I mean, he wouldn’t be taken away from me altogether, would he?’
‘Most unlikely,’ said Tom. ‘It’s not my bag, but I do know that much. Given that Johnathan’s admitting adultery himself. You’re Jamie’s mother, his natural mother. You’ll almost certainly get custody. It’s only that –’
‘What?’
‘Well, you can’t offer the kind of home a little boy like Jamie is used to. In the country, riding, which you say he loves – I presume you’re moving down here?’
‘I can get a flat. A nice flat. And he doesn’t just care about ponies, he loves going to the pictures, and the theatre – well, pantomime, anyway. I could even take him to Battersea funfair,’ she said, with a sudden smile. ‘Perhaps you could come too.’
‘I don’t think so,’ said Tom hastily. ‘What about your job? You’re always out and about and abroad.’
‘Oh, I can book myself out when Jamie’s with me. That’s not a problem. No, it’s just my rights to have him at all that I worry about.’
‘You have plenty of rights,’ said Tom gently.
‘Would you be my lawyer? Represent me. I know you’d be awfully good. Start work on the case until I can find someone of my own?’
‘No, Diana. I can’t do that. In the first place I don’t know anything about divorce law, and in the second – well – no. I’m sorry.’
‘So am I,’ she said, and her dark brown eyes seemed to probe into his. ‘Very sorry.’
‘But I can recommend someone very good, either up in Yorkshire or down here in London. Someone who you’ll like, and who will make out a good case for you.’
‘Thank you. Down here, I’d think, wouldn’t you? Now, let me get you another drink to say thank you. Same again?’
‘Yes, please,’ said Tom and then looked at his watch and called after her, ‘Diana! No. I’ve got to go.’
But she didn’t hear him, or pretended not to. She came back in a remarkably short time, and said, ‘There you are. Only I asked them to put a drop of vodka in it so you can see how much nicer it is. It’s called a Bloody Mary.’
‘Oh, Diana, no. I can’t drink that, Alice will smell it and –’
‘No, she won’t,’ said Diana. ‘Vodka is undetectable on the breath. You’ll be fine. Now taste it. Isn’t it good?’
Tom had to admit it was good, and that suddenly he felt good too, and – more than that – entitled to it. He’d had a hard day as well as Alice, after all, and he had to go down to Purbridge first thing in the morning. An hour’s escape from it all didn’t seem such a lot to ask. He’d just tell Alice the meeting had gone on a bit.
‘It’s lovely,’ he said. ‘I’ve never tasted vodka before. Thank you, Diana.’
‘My pleasure.’ She smiled at him, then leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. ‘Dear Friend Tom. What would I do without you?’
‘A great deal, it seems,’ he said, and tried not to think about what it would be like to kiss her properly. ‘Now. You said you wanted to ask me something else. What was it?’
‘Oh, yes. Yes, so I did. Now don’t try and fob me off by saying you don’t know, because you must do, and remember, I’m not one of your terrible people who think they should be flogged, I love them, some of them are my best friends. And I shall know the answer anyway, just by looking at you. Is Ned Welles queer? Is that what the whole cancelled wedding thing was about?’
Chapter 35
1954
‘I just don’t know how you can be so cruel. It’s not my fault. If it’s anyone’s it’s yours. Although how we can be talking about it in terms of such a negative emotion, I don’t know.’
‘Is that so? Alice, we have two babies already; the house stinks of nappies, you’re exhausted and are about to become more so. We have no time together, no chance to talk about anything except how many so-called clever things Kit has done and whether Lucy is gaining weight. And then you expect me to give three cheers because all of the above is about to increase by one hundred per cent. Well, I can’t. I’ll support you to the best of my ability—’
‘That’s very good of you.’
‘—but you’re rubbing salt into the wound by demanding I should be pleased about it.’
‘You – you bastard!’ Alice experienced a wave of such hatred, such resentment of Tom, she felt physically faint. ‘How dare you talk to me like that? Anyone listening would think I’d gone out and got pregnant by my lover. I can tell you, right this minute, I wish I had a lover to get pregnant with.’
‘Oh, don’t be so ridiculous.’
‘I’m not being ridiculous. Tom, this is your baby. You might not remember the night of its conception. You came home late, drunk, and practically forced me to have sex with you –’
‘I have never forced you to have sex with me. That’s a filthy thing to say.’
Alice promptly felt violently remorseful. ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I love our sex life. It’s gorgeous. I’m sorry, Tom –’
He said nothing, just nodded rather remotely; but she knew he had accepted the apology.
‘What I meant was, Lucy was only a few months old, I was still sore and exhausted and it was the last thing I wanted, but I thought I owed it to you.’ This wasn’t quite true, but she wanted to hurt him.
‘Oh, spare me. Of course some of the blame is down to you. Why couldn’t you have got your bloody contraception sorted?’
‘I – I don’t know,’ said Alice, suddenly miserably guilty. The fact was she hated the whole awful business of the cap, messy, fiddly, and at that stage it hurt just putting it in. But Tom was right; that was her responsibility. He trusted her. On the other hand, she had been trying to please him, to cheer him up as he struggled to do his bit as a father. And he was very good, he did help. She felt very contrite suddenly.
‘I’m – I’m sorry, Tom,’ she said. ‘You’re right. I should have used it. It won’t happen again.’
‘Too bloody right it won’t,’ he said, killing the contrition at a stroke. Down the corridor Lucy began to wail; he looked at Alice with cold dislike and said, ‘I’m going to the pub. It’s quiet down there by comparison.’
Alice sat feeding Lucy and crying at the same time, her tears falling on the small, downy head.
Diana was staying at Claridge’s, while she looked for a flat.