A Million Little Things (Mischief Bay, #3)

“Good.” He pointed at the dog. “Ruru.”

“Close enough.” Pam walked into the kitchen. “He’s really talking.”

Jen worked the dough. “That’s the rumor,” she said, her voice resigned.

Pam sighed. “Still not to you?”

“Nope. I’m dealing with it.” She wrinkled her nose. “My counselor says to be patient, which is good advice that’s hard to follow. Still, progress and all that.”

“You’re still seeing a counselor?”

“Uh-huh. I’ve cut back to every other week. I’m going to stay on the meds through the first few months of the school year, then see if I can cut back on them. I’m already at a low dose. Honestly, I think the meditation, getting enough water and sleep are helping just as much. Being mindful of taking care of myself.”

Pam got Jack his drink and sat with him at his small table.

“That’s great,” she said. “I’m glad you’re feeling better.”

“Me, too. Plus I know the anxiety will get better as I get older. It did for you.”

Pam picked up Lulu and held her close. “I don’t know what you mean.”

Jen didn’t bother looking up from her dough. She turned it over, shrugged, then plopped it in a bowl and covered it with a dish towel. “Now you have to rise. Don’t let me down.” She washed her hands, then turned to Pam. “You know how you were so tense when we were little. Worried about every little thing. That went away as we grew. I wonder if it’s hormone based. I’ll have to look that up.”

“I wasn’t worried about everything,” Pam told her firmly.

Jen laughed. “Yeah, you were. You were always creating disaster scenarios. You still do. Like with Steven and Zoe. I understand there’s a risk, but all of life is like that. Yes, they could get a divorce and he would be heartbroken, but they could also stay together for the next eighty years.”

Pam wanted to say that they wouldn’t live that long, but she was too busy processing what her daughter had said. No, what her daughter thought of her.

“You think I was a nervous mother?”

“Oh, Mom, don’t. We all have our thing. Yours was keeping us safe. You were worried and that was nice. We knew you cared. I’m a lot like you. I worry, too. It’s just you could manage yours on your own and I needed help.”

Pam had the sense that her daughter was trying to make her feel better, which wasn’t working at all. She still couldn’t believe how Jen viewed her. It was so different from how she saw herself.

“I have a very full life.”

“I know you do. You really took care of yourself after Dad died. We wondered how you would go on and you impressed all of us. The way you help women in business and travel with your friends? I want to be like that someday.”

Jen sat on the floor next to Jack. “Hi, sweetie.”

He grinned at her.

“Are you drinking water?” she asked.

Jack nodded.

“Can you say water?”

Jack just laughed.

Jen sighed. “One day,” she told him. “One day you’ll talk to me and you won’t stop, right?”

He giggled.

She patted her lap and Lulu jumped onto it. Jen stroked her. “About your dog,” she said. Lulu looked at her. Jen rubbed the side of her face. “Yes, I’m talking about you, little girl.” She looked back at Pam. “I can keep her when you travel. If Shannon can’t.”

The entire world had gone mad, Pam thought. “You want to keep Lulu?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Do you know she’s a dog? She’ll pee and poop in the yard.”

“And I’ll make Kirk clean it up. Yes, I know, Mom. I should have offered before. Jack loves her, she’s a good girl and I’m sure there will be times when Shannon can’t deal with her around. I’m saying I can.”

“You’ve certainly changed.”

“I hope so. I’m trying. I’m going back to work in September. I can’t wait to be with my class again. Kirk and I are going to start trying to get pregnant again close to Christmas. With luck this time next year, I’ll be about six months along.”

“That’s wonderful. I’m so happy for you.”

“Thanks. We’re happy, too. Jack is going to be a great big brother.”

They continued talking, but Pam wasn’t really paying attention. She was caught up in the sense of things changing and her having to struggle to keep up. Jen was so together now. So in charge of everything happening in her life. Pam felt superfluous by comparison.

“Do you talk to your brother much?” she asked.

“Brandon?” Jen set Lulu on the floor and pulled Jack onto her lap. “Or Steven?”

“Of course Steven. I can talk to Brandon anytime I want.”

“Why can’t you talk to Steven?”

“I don’t know. He hasn’t called me.”

“Have you called him?”

I’m not the one in trouble. Words she thought but didn’t say. And the way things were changing so fast, she had a feeling Jen would disagree with her assessment.

“I’ve been busy,” Pam said defensively, not liking the sense of being in the wrong. “Besides, he’s my son.”

“And you’re his mom.” Jen’s tone was gentle. “He respects you and wants you to be happy for him. If you want to blame someone for what he’s doing, then be mad at yourself and Dad. You were the two teaching us to accept people and be understanding of what they were going through.”

Which was close to what Steven had said the last time she’d spoken to him.

“This is different.”

“It’s not.” Jen looked at her. “You know Zoe didn’t get pregnant on purpose.”

“Yes, I know. I know. Everyone keeps saying that. It doesn’t change anything.”

“It changes everything, Mom. She didn’t plan on this, didn’t expect it to happen, yet there she is, taking responsibility. She’s going to be a great mother, but she’s got to be scared. Plus, she has to deal with Chad and that’s not going to be fun. It’s a lot. You had Dad when you got pregnant with me. I was planned. You were both happy. She doesn’t have any of that. With her mom gone, I’m the only one she can ask about having a baby and it’s not like I did a great job with Jack.”