Then he collapses again.
It’s the kind of desperate thing I did when I was on the meds that made me so sick. Miserable and nauseated, I was in so much agony I didn’t know what to do with myself. Should I lie in bed? On my side? On my back? There was nowhere to go that me and the pain didn’t follow. I remember my mom watching, looking totally helpless because she couldn’t fix it.
“Stop, Julian. You’re going to give yourself a headache.”
He freezes, looking stunned. His crying becomes less hysterical, but deeper. My mom couldn’t fix me, but I remember she’d pet my back, and I know Julian’s father used to rub his head.
There are different ways to help people, Adam.
I extend my fingers like I’m playing the piano across his face.
Gradually, he goes quiet and turns to stare vacantly at the wall. “I know.” He sounds so tired. “I know if there was any choice at all, they wouldn’t have left me alone. They would have made sure I was taken care of.”
In a heartbeat, a thousand memories at once. All the times I knew things I couldn’t have known. All the times he was assigned to me.
“Julian,” I say, “maybe they did.”
EMERALD’S BACKYARD IS strung with paper lanterns and golden lights. There are tables covered with food, streamers, balloons, party hats, stacks of wrapped gifts, and an enormous cake.
The last birthday cake I had was the summer I turned nine, the summer my parents bought me the trunk and told me I was brave. It was always just the three of us on my birthday, never a party with other kids, since school was out. That year we wore hats and I opened gifts, then we walked along the rocky beach where I found the conch.
Emerald’s yard fills with people, too many to fit at the picnic table where I sit at the head. Everyone sings “Happy Birthday” and watches me open presents. Adam gives me a novel, and Emerald gives me a journal, and it’s overwhelming to have so much attention, but it’s not embarrassing, not really.
Later I say to Adam, “Fifteen seems a lot older than fourteen, doesn’t it?”
Tilting his head, he laughs. “Yeah, I guess it does.”
We listen to music and eat cake while the sun shines on everyone, making them glow like angels. Adam’s and Emerald’s faces are close together, whispering things I can’t hear. Jesse pulls out his guitar and asks me if I want to sing. I shake my head. Today I just want to listen. Charlie passes out popsicles. Everyone’s lips change color. The last day of July slowly fades, but everyone keeps talking and laughing like they could stay here forever.
It’s dark when I stretch out on my back on the trampoline. Listening to the voices of all the people I love, I gaze up at a perfect night sky. It’s as if the lights strung through the trees have moved to float above us. Beautiful and too many to see all at once.
Ten million stars.