“Maybe Ruv should stay here,” Ryan said. “We don’t actually need him. Just point us in the right direction. I don’t know if you know this, but I have a sword. It’s been said by many people that I look like I know what I’m doing. It’s kind of my thing. Dashing and immaculate, they call me. It was even in the papers.”
“Yeah, babe, you tell them.” Sometimes Ryan looked stupid with his sword. Most men did. But I didn’t say anything when he was trying to be intimidating like the rest of us.
Vadoma shook her head. “You’ll need him. For the sand mermaids.”
I blinked at her. “I’m sorry. We’ll need him for the what, now?”
She turned and started walking back toward Mashallaha. “Don’t die,” she called over her shoulder. “I’m sure it would be very sad.”
“We’ll need him for the what, now?” I shouted after her.
But since she sucked, she didn’t even acknowledge me.
“Shall we?” Ruv asked, cool and calm as ever.
“I hate this place so fucking much,” I muttered.
A FEW days later, I was ready to murder everyone.
“I spy with my little eye something that is sand!”
“Is it sand?”
“It is. Tiggy, dear, you are so good at this game. Sam, yoo-hoo, Sam. Did you hear that? Tiggy is so good at this game.”
“I heard you, Gary,” I said, pulling the hood tighter around my face. “We all heard you. We’ve been hearing you for the last two hours.”
“Well, if you’ve been listening, one would think you would have tried to guess by now, wouldn’t you? Bah. You don’t know how to play travel games, you big sore loser. Go brood with your broody face somewhere else. Tiggy! Let’s go again. I spy with my little eye, something that is… sand dunes.”
“Is it… sand dunes?”
“Oh my gods,” I said.
“Is he ever going to figure it out?” Ryan asked, trudging along beside me.
“If he hasn’t by now, I’m not holding my breath about it. Maybe we’ll get lucky and find a cliff and then he’ll fall off that cliff and I’ll never have to hear him again.”
Ryan bumped his shoulder against mine. It was sweaty and gross and pretty awesome. “You’d be devastated.”
“Not hardly.”
“A little devastated.”
“Barely.”
“You got a plan?”
“For?”
He rolled his eyes. “The whole dragon thing.”
“Ah. That. Sure I’ve got a plan.”
“Good,” he said, sounding relieved. “You had me worried there for a little bit.”
“My plan is to wing it.”
Ryan sighed. “Godsdammit.”
“Watch your mouth, Knight Commander.”
“Or what?”
“Or I’ll have to spank it with my dick.”
He tripped and almost fell. It was glorious.
I laughed at him. He blushed and muttered vague threats in my direction.
We walked on.
Kevin and Ruv were ahead of us, the dragon’s tail dragging behind him and leaving long grooves for us to walk on. Ruv had a small wooden board attached to the pack on his back with black hinges on the top and bottom. There was a thick cloth folded against the sides. I hadn’t asked what it was for, but I was curious about it. I didn’t know if it was some kind of weapon we could use against the desert dragon or some form of protection from whatever the hell sand mermaids were.
I probably should drill him for information while I had the chance.
“Keep an eye on the idiots,” I muttered to Ryan. “I gotta go talk to Ruv.”
“You act like they’ll wander off if we look away,” Ryan said, squinting against the sun. “Wait. As soon as I said it, I realized they would wander off if we looked away. Got it. Oh, and one more thing.” He grabbed me by the back of the neck and pulled me in, kissing me, hard and filthy. His tongue was against mine, and I felt his teeth scrape on my lips. He rolled his hips once, twice, and then pushed me away. I blinked slowly at him. He grinned that smug grin that I hated and adored. “That’s better.”
“Guh,” I said.
“Exactly. Go get ’em, champ.” He smacked my ass hard and then turned toward Gary and Tiggy. “Gary! I am going to explain this game to you one more time….”
Have you ever tried to walk through a desert with half a hard-on in your pants?
It sucks.
“Stupid sexy knights,” I muttered as I hurried to catch up with Kevin and Ruv, adjusting myself in the process. “With their stupid sexy everything.”
“Who’s sexy now?” Kevin asked, looking back at me, eyes narrowing as he saw me randomly groping myself. “Are you checking me out again, Sam? From the back, even. See something you like, sailor? Do you want to dock your ship into my port?”
“Whyyyy,” I moaned, trying to get that image out of my head. “Do you have to do that?”
“Yes,” Kevin said. “Obviously.”
“Whatever. I need to have a chat with our good friend Ruv here.”
“Do I need to make myself scarce?” Kevin asked, but he sounded like that was the last thing he wanted to do. It was good to know he didn’t trust Ruv either.
“Actually, I think you should stay. Because this probably concerns you too.”
“Ah,” Kevin said. “The whole thing where I’m the chosen one and will save the world and be given much treasure as a thank-you. Got it.”
I sighed. “Sure. Why not.”
“You are an odd mix,” Ruv said, sounding amused.
“How’s that now?”
“You. The dragon. The unicorn and the giant. The knight. The gods must have a sense of humor if they have put the fate of the world on your shoulders.”
“I don’t know if you’re complimenting us or insulting us,” I said slowly. “If it’s an insult, fuck you. If not, thanks, that’s a very nice thing to say.”
His smile widened. “She didn’t expect you to be as you are.”
“Vadoma?”
“Yes. And I think it threw her off.”
“She thought I was going to fall in line and do whatever she said.”
“You’re here, aren’t you?”
And that—dammit. “It wasn’t her.”
He arched an eyebrow at me.
“It wasn’t just her,” I amended. “It was… everything else.”
“What she showed you,” he said.
“Yeah, I guess.” And a thought struck me again, one that I’d let stew in the back of my mind. “Of course, she could have just showed me what she wanted me to see. Magic is manipulation, after all.”
“Perhaps,” Ruv said. “After all, she would want the most powerful wizard in an age doing her bidding, don’t you think?”
“That doesn’t really make me feel any better.”
“I didn’t know it was supposed to.”
I frowned at him. “The whole enigmatic thing you’ve got going on? Stop it. It’s annoying, and I don’t give two shits about it.”
He laughed. “Comes with being the Wolf to the phuro.”
“Being groomed doesn’t mean you get to act like a mysterious dick.”
There was a flash of something on his face that told me I was treading on dangerous ground. “I wasn’t groomed,” he said tightly. “I was chosen because of who I am. I didn’t need to change to fit others’ opinions of me. I’m not you, Sam.”
Ouch. And maybe deserved. But still. “No. You’re not me. And I’m not you.”