“Don’t explode my nipples!” Sir said as he stood up quickly, knocking his chair back. “I didn’t know it was you!”
“Wow,” I said. “That’s still a thing? And now it’s said about me? Sweet molasses.”
“Oh boy,” Ryan sighed. “This is something I’m never going to hear the end of.”
This might have been the greatest day of my life. “Babe! Did you hear that? He said—”
“Still standing right here.”
“But—”
“Don’t need to repeat it. Heard it enough the first time.”
And that’s when Tiggy decided to smash the table. But that was okay. He’d earned it.
“HOW’D YOU figure out we were gone?” I asked Ryan as we walked side by side toward the castle. The others were ahead of us, Gary and Justin bickering back and forth as Kevin tried to get them to agree to a threesome, Tiggy muttering to himself about his broom collection.
Ryan bumped his shoulder against mine. “Hadn’t seen you in ten minutes or so. I figured you were probably getting into trouble.”
Huh. That was… probably more accurate than I cared to think about. “I could have handled it.”
“Oh, I know.”
“Do you?”
He shrugged. “Doesn’t hurt to have backup.” He blushed a little at that, and I struggled to not launch myself at him and potentially be arrested for lewd and lascivious conduct in the streets of the city.
“You’re my backup?”
“Shut up, Sam.”
“Nah, it’s out there, dude. You can never take it back now.”
“I regret everything.”
And I doubted that quite a bit. I could see the way he was fighting a losing battle against smiling, his lips quirking, eyes crinkling. To the world, Knight Commander Ryan Foxheart was strong and brave, dashing and immaculate. And he was all those things, even to me. But he was so much more than that, more than what the people of Verania thought he was. For one, he was the world’s sappiest dork, something I never expected and would lord over him for the rest of our days.
“Came riding in to my rescue,” I teased him. “Someone might think you’re a knight or something.”
“I always have to rescue you.”
“Pfft. I think you’ve got that a bit backward there.”
“Probably. But that’s okay.”
“How’d you know where we were?”
He reached up and wrapped an arm around my shoulders, pulling me close. My arm went around his waist and he tilted his forehead against me as we walked. “I always know where you are,” he murmured against my hair.
And my heart absolutely did not trip all over itself at that. Not at all, no sir. “Yeah, Gary was right. That does sound stalkery. You might want to curb that a little before someone gets the wrong idea that you want to put them in a hole in the basement. Pete told you, didn’t he.”
“Didn’t even hesitate when he narced on you.”
“That bastard. He needs to hurry up and retire so I can get away with things. I don’t know why he decided to stay on. I think it was probably just to stop me from doing amazing things.”
Ryan laughed in my ear. I didn’t think I’d ever heard a sound so wondrous.
“You guys coming, or are you going to be grossly in love some more and make everyone hate you?” Gary called back, sounding appropriately disgusted.
“HaveHeart forever, motherfuckers,” Tiggy said.
“We need to have a name like that,” Kevin said to Gary. “So everyone will know our love is real. Something wicked. Like… Kery. Or Gavin. Oooh. Or Dragoncorn.”
I can’t say that I was really listening to them. No, I was getting kissed within an inch of my life and thinking, Nothing can get better than this. This is my happy ending.
But it wasn’t, though.
Because things were just getting started.
Chapter 2: A Vision and a Warning
ONCE UPON a time in the Kingdom of Verania, there was a kickass boy born in the slums of the City of Lockes. His parents were hardworking, and at times life could be difficult, but they were alive and had all their teeth. Which was very important.
Now for the remix.
The kickass boy was apparently magic, turned his future boyfriend (who, at the time, was the world’s biggest asshole) into stone, and was taken away from the life of poverty by a magical man in pink shoes to a castle where he met a wonderful King and a not-so-wonderful Prince. His parents came along for the ride and cheered and fretted like most parents do. The boy was sent into the Dark Woods one day and came back, unexpectedly having made friends with a hornless unicorn and a half-giant. He was given his first wizarding name of Sam of Wilds.
From there, the boy had many adventures as a wizard’s apprentice, knowing one day all of Verania would depend upon him as the King’s Wizard. Sure, he thought that was the coolest thing he’d ever heard, but it was years and years away. He had plenty of time to worry about things such as responsibility to King and Crown. So, during those first years, he did magic (somewhat successfully—though, as was pointed out on a regular basis, the magic he did do was never what he started out trying to do; the boy was of the belief that it was the thought that counted). He was captured a lot for some unknown reason, and villains tended to monologue whenever they were around him, as if they couldn’t help but broadcast their plans in addition to spilling their life’s stories while he usually was bound to a chair or a wall (or, on one notable occasion, the front of a pirate ship as a group of lesbian pirates called the Tuna Fishes were trying to use his magic to force mermaids into revealing their treasures—but never mind that now. It’s a long story that involves a sea chanty about scissoring that the pirates insisted the boy learn and he has never forgotten).
But through it all, with his friends and parents and a great wizard named Morgan of Shadows by his side, he was happy. He looked upon the stars and found he could wish for nothing more, given all that he had.
Sure, maybe he was lonely every now and then, but it was a small thing, a negligible thing that he could ignore if he tried hard enough. He didn’t allow himself to dwell upon it. There were too many things to see. New magic to explore. Obstacles to overcome. One day he would face the Trials to become a true wizard. He had his Grimoire he needed to complete. His friend, the unicorn, needed to find his horn. All of these things came first. Because that’s just who the boy was.
But.
The boy was still human, regardless of his elevated station and lot in life. He was still prone to that humanity just like everyone else.
For you see, one day there came a knight to the castle. A knight unlike anyone the boy had ever seen before. He was beautiful and kind and smiled like sunshine, and the boy said to his friends, “I might be super gay right now.”
His friends were not surprised.