“Yes.” It wasn’t. “That’s exactly it.” That wasn’t it at all.
I suppose if one liked frigid bitches hiding hearts laced with gold, one could reasonably say that Grand Prince Justin of Verania was an attractive man. Sure, he often looked like he’d bitten into the most bitter of lemons (something I’d tried to cure him of but only seemed to make worse), but men and women alike fawned over his porcelain skin, waxing poetically over his chocolate-brown curls. How regal he was, they exclaimed. How beautiful. It was as if the gods themselves had a hand in his making.
Even after I’d essentially princenapped him, he looked well put together. He was statuesque, broad shouldered with a narrow waist. He had elegant fingers and callused palms, a testament to how well-versed of a swordsman he was. His expensively embroidered tunic was stretched tightly across his arms and chest. His trousers had the right amount of pull along his thighs and— “Holy crap,” I breathed. “You’re dreamy.”
He said, “What.” No inflection whatsoever.
“Like, no, just… give me a moment. My worldview just shifted and I’m struggling to go along with it.”
“So… pretty much a normal day, then, for you.”
“When did you get attractive?” I demanded.
“Are you hitting on me?” he asked incredulously.
“What! No! Of course not. At least, I don’t think I am. Am I? I really need to sit down and think about this. What am I doing? With this? With my life? Oh my gods, what am I doing with my—”
Justin scoffed. “It wasn’t enough that you swooped in and stole my fiancé right out from under me, but now you’ve taken me to a dark and dank alley to have your way with me? For shame, Sam of Wilds. For shame.”
“I would never have my way with you in a dark and dank alley,” I retorted. “I’m a gentleman. I would woo the shit out of you, wine and dine, the whole nine yards. And then we’d make sweet passionate love on a bed covered in roses and I would just go to town on your butt because apparently I’m a power top and—what the fuck are we talking about?”
He looked horrified. “I have no idea! You’re the one that stole me away to try and power top me! I don’t even know what that means!”
“That’s not—” I took a deep breath and let it out slow. “Okay. Somehow, you’ve gotten us all off track. As usual.”
“Me? Why you little—”
“We’re here because we’re going on a date.”
“I don’t want to date you! In fact, I would rather do anything else—”
“Not me. I found you a date with an awesome dude!”
It wasn’t silent after that. No, it really couldn’t have been, seeing as how we were in the middle of the City of Lockes. But Prince Justin was silent, like his mind had been blown at the thought of my extraordinary generosity, his synapses firing in the face of just how much I cared.
Which, honestly, contrasted heavily when he finally spoke. “You did what.”
“Okay, so look. It’s really rather terrible, but something I’ve learned is that when one falls in love and is happy about it, one wants nothing more than to spread that love to others, to see best friends—okay, okay, don’t growl at me, almost best friends, gods—experience the same joy of falling for someone. I love love so much, that I want to shove it down your throat so you know what I’m going through.”
“Sam.”
“Yes, Justin.”
“Are you telling me that right now, there is someone waiting for me to come to them to go on a date with them? Someone I’ve never met.”
“Um. Yes?”
“How are you a real person?”
I frowned at him. “You know what? That’s not the first time I’ve been asked that.”
“Who is he?” Justin asked, sounding resigned (which possibly meant he was thrilled; I hadn’t quite worked out all of Justin’s facial expressions as of yet).
“Oh! You’re going to love him. His name is William and he’s a Sagittarius and he likes the same things you do.”
“Like….”
“Um. You know. Stuff. Things. That everyone likes.”
He cocked his head at me. “Sam.”
“Yes, Justin.”
“Where did you meet him?”
“At… the store.”
“What store?”
I was feeling awfully sweaty because I really couldn’t lie for shit. I suppose that was a good thing. Mostly. “The… hat. Store.”
“The hat store.”
“Yes,” I said, swallowing. “Where I was buying a hat.”
“What kind of hat?”
Why was it so warm in the dark and dank alley? “A pork pie.”
He took a step toward me. “Really.”
I nodded. “Gary says they’re all the rage this season. And I trust his fashion sense. Because he’s a unicorn. Unicorns are very fashionable, in case you hadn’t noticed.”
“And this man. This… William. What does he look like?”
And godsdamn his inquisitive mind! How neatly a trap it laid! “Like a… male… person.”
“Sam.”
“Yes, Justin.” He was standing really close to me. I was uncomfortable.
“What—”
“Fine!” I cried. “You’ve broken me. I’ve withstood Dark wizards and really invasive corn, but I can’t take the endless pools that are your eyes. I’ve never met him before. I’ve never even seen him before!”
“Aha!” Justin cried. Then, “Wait. What?”
“Ah, man. I feel better. That really was weighing on me.”
“What do you mean you’ve never seen him?”
I blinked. “Just that. I’ve never seen him before.” Was it that hard to understand?
“Then how do you know him?” he asked dangerously.
“He answered the ad.”
Justin closed his eyes for a moment, breathing heavily through his nose. “What ad?”
Well, this was off to a very bad start. “Um. The one I placed in the back of Lockes of Love, the periodical for singles who are ready to mingle in the City of Lockes, under their man for man section?”
The skin under his eye twitched.
“It’s okay,” I said. “I made you sound really good. If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s bullshitting.”
Another twitch. Or maybe a more pronounced one. Like it was spreading.
“I’m serious! Look, I even cut it out and saved it, it was so good.” I reached into the pocket under my robes and pulled out the folded piece of paper. I handed it over to Justin, who just glared at me. I poked it against his hand. “Come on. Come on, take it. Take it.”
A man walked by the alley, staring at us with wide eyes.
I waved at him.
He walked away quickly.
Justin grabbed the paper from my hand and brought it up to his face. I didn’t need to see what it said. I’d already had the genius of it memorized.
Looking For Love!
M4M. In position of power, would like someone else to take charge. Me: 20s Attractive w/ resting bitch face. Intelligent, slightly evil, ambitious. People think I’m cold, but it’s really a front for a semisoft heart. I like rolling my eyes at wizards even though I secretly like them and think they’re pretty cool. I also like deviled eggs.