This is what Mom meant. This is what she saw.
Emotion swelled inside of me. And then I deflated all over again. Because even though she speaks my language, it didn’t translate into her wanting me back.
Chapter 29
Briana
Alexis and I were sitting on the porch swing drinking coffee when Jacob pulled up.
My heart fluttered the second I saw him. I had to clutch my chest.
“What’s wrong?” Alexis asked, watching me watch Jacob put the truck in park.
I shook my head. “I don’t know.” But really I did know.
I was stupid for this man.
He had me all turned over and inside out. Just looking at him made me happy. I wanted to run down the steps and jump on him and kiss his face like an excited puppy.
I stayed where I was.
He got out of the truck with a duffel bag over his arm and Lieutenant Dan hopping behind him. Jacob had a plant in his hand. Lieutenant Dan spotted me and bounced up the steps to see me. I was petting him when Daniel opened the front door and Hunter ran out. Hunter took two seconds to sniff Lieutenant Dan’s butt, then bounded down the steps and did the jumping-all-over-Jacob, sloppy-kiss thing that I wished I could do.
Jacob put down his bag and crouched to pet the dog. This was probably going to be the best part of the day for him. He’d hate the rest of it. The strangers and the socializing and the new place. I still didn’t understand why he’d come.
He looked up at me, laughing while Hunter made a long, excited rooooooooo! noise, and I swear to God, all my resolve not to be Jacob’s rebound side-chick almost dissolved into thin air. I couldn’t even look away from him. That’s how messed up he had me.
Sometimes it felt like Jacob and I were two magnets being flipped over and over and pressed together. Pulling us in, pushing us out, pulling us in.
Pulling me in…
Alexis leaned over and whispered, “He’s handsome.”
“I know,” I grumbled. “Of course he is. Anything to make this harder.”
I went down the steps to meet him. “Hey,” I said, stopping in front of him.
He straightened and slung his duffel bag over his shoulder. “Hey.”
Then we just stood there, both of us gazing into each other’s eyes, for some reason. Why did it feel like we should be making out right now?
Ugh. Someone needed to turn the hose on me.
Daniel came down the steps with Alexis to save me from myself, thank God, and I introduced them.
Jacob handed Daniel the little plant he had. “Briana tells me you garden,” Jacob said. “I brought you this.”
Daniel’s eyes went wide. “A variegated Elephant Ear.”
Jacob smiled, like he’d just gotten out of a birthday party at a bar. “I propagated it myself.”
“Wow, seriously? Thanks,” Daniel said, turning it around in awe. “I know exactly where to put it. This is awesome.”
Jacob looked relieved that his gift had hit the mark and turned back to me with the puppy-dog, hat-in-hand smile that always made my face go soft.
“I’ll show you to your room,” I said, nodding over my shoulder.
He left Lieutenant Dan hopping around the yard with Hunter and followed me up the stairs. We stopped on the landing to look at the big stained-glass window.
“This is beautiful,” he said, studying it.
It was a black bear in a clearing in the woods. The sides of the window were thick green forest with trees with tall brown trunks.
“I bet this is original to the house,” he said. “Weird it wasn’t on the website, it’s so unique.”
“They built Grant House in 1897,” I said, starting up the stairs again.
“I know,” he said, following me. “I read all about it. I love places like this.”
I brought him into the second guest room. He dropped his bag on the hope chest at the end of his bed and peered around.
“This is nice.”
“Yeah.”
When his eyes came back around to mine, I was standing there in front of the fireplace with my hands in my back pockets, and again I got the urge to hug him. I was simultaneously glad that he was here while also wishing that we were at his parents’ house instead so we’d have a reason to touch.
Two days that I couldn’t even hug him. My body screamed to reach for him. I wanted to feel his warm hand in mine or his body pressed against me. I wanted to smell his skin, if only to erase the memory of Amy’s perfume from last night.
And then I felt so, so sad all over again.
Not mine.
Here with me, but his heart’s somewhere else.
Remember that.
“Hey, maybe we should post a selfie,” he said.
I cleared my throat. “Yeah. Good idea. We can tell everyone we’re at a romantic bed-and-breakfast.”
He nodded behind him. “Maybe we should be sitting on the bed?”
“Totally. Definitely. Let everyone think that’s where we’re spending the whole weekend.”
That’s where I wish we were spending the whole weekend…
He got onto the mattress and I climbed on the other side. It was a twin, so we really had to squeeze in. He lay back against the headboard and opened his arm to let me snuggle up next to him and my whole body melted at the contact.
This.
This was what I needed. I could have stayed here forever.
He settled into the pillows, and I got adjusted against his chest. He smelled warm and familiar, and I could see why he could convert dogs who hate men and lure timid cats out from under sofas.
Jacob made me feel safe. He was like a living lullaby. A softly spoken word. The smell of coffee and toast in the morning or a cozy fleece blanket. The rain pattering on the roof on a day where you don’t have to go anywhere or do anything.
I wondered if sex with him would feel like slipping into warm water. All enveloping and just right. I bet kissing him would feel that way too. He was so gentle and careful. I bet he’d kiss me softly. And then hard. I’d put a hand on his jaw to feel his five-o’clock shadow and then move it to the back of his neck to pull him closer. I could picture the feel of his lips and his tongue and his teeth. His breath on my mouth and his chest rising and falling against mine the way it was right now…
I was so in my head I had to remind myself what I was supposed to be doing. I cleared my throat again and angled the camera, taking longer than I needed to, just to have a second more in his arms.
He didn’t look at the lens, though. He tilted his head so his nose was in my hair and closed his eyes. It looked great for the picture. Like this was a private moment with a man who was in love with me and we were catching this in a candid photo.
I had the strongest urge to set down the phone and tip my head up to his and see what would happen.
Instead I took the picture and hopped off the bed.
I had to pretend to be busy putting the picture on Instagram so I wouldn’t have to look at him while my heart rate went back down.
It really was a good picture. Tender. Intimate.