The hurt crashed over me all over again. The humiliation.
I scrubbed my hands over my face. “I don’t think Briana feels as strongly for me as I feel for her,” I said. “And I don’t know what to do about it.”
Mom sat quietly next to me.
“Can I ask you a question?” She waited until I looked at her. “Why did you let it go on with Amy for so long? You were so unhappy. Everyone saw it.”
I stared out at the pool for a long moment. “I was afraid of change,” I said finally. “And I thought it was me. I thought any relationship I was in was going to be that hard because of who I was. How I was.”
She shook her head. “Jacob. Have you ever heard the saying that if you’re with someone who doesn’t speak your language, you’ll spend a lifetime having to translate your soul? Amy never spoke your language. That’s all. Nothing wrong with either of you, just two different people. That’s how I can tell Briana’s different. She understands you, even when you don’t say anything at all.”
I looked at her. Mom had noticed that?
“You should see the way she looks at you,” she said, going on. “When you’re not watching. She looks at you like you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to her.”
That wasn’t love. That was gratitude for what I was doing for her brother. Relief.
Or it could just be acting. Not based on anything at all.
Mom looked at me gently. “Love shows up, Jacob. So show up.”
I shook my head. “But how? What if she doesn’t want me to?”
Mom laughed. “That woman is perfectly capable of telling you what she does and does not want. Ask her. If she sets a boundary, respect it. But if you ask her if you can show up, and she says yes? Show up. And don’t give up on her. Because I haven’t seen you this happy in a very long time.”
I stared out over the pool. And I realized that I didn’t even have a choice but to show up. That the urge to be around Briana was so strong it circumvented everything. Pride. Better judgment. Humility. Even my anxiety.
My anxiety…
For so long I let my life be dictated by my anxiety. Everything I did revolved around not getting uncomfortable, not leaving my safe space. I didn’t have the tough conversations I should have had with Amy, and I didn’t end it for fear of the unknown afterward. I stayed where I was because anything new was scary for me and I wasn’t willing to risk it. I needed my life calm, easy, and static.
But I wouldn’t do that with Briana. I’d leave my comfort zone. I had to. Because that’s where she was. And for her I would go anywhere.
Even now, rejected and gutted, I still wanted to orbit around her, even if she never wanted me to land.
And it occurred to me that I only had a few more months when I could orbit her. When our arrangement made it okay. Expected, even. Because after that…
After that, the deal was off.
Chapter 27
Briana
My cell was vibrating.
The sun was cracking through the curtains. It took me a moment to realize where I was. Floral wallpaper. A four-poster bed. Alexis asleep next to me.
I’d come to Grant House.
I pulled out my phone and squinted at the screen. It was eight-thirty in the morning, and Jacob was calling.
I swiped to answer. “Hello?” I whispered.
“Hi. Good morning.”
I rubbed my eyes. “Good morning.”
Alexis started to stir.
“I was wondering if you’d like to go to breakfast,” he said.
Huh?
That was a little unexpected. I thought he would feel all weird for a few days. Retreat into isolation like introverts do when they’ve had an unpleasant encounter and that I would have to make first contact.
“I’m not home,” I said.
“Oh. Where are you?”
Alexis sat up and yawned into the back of her hand.
“I’m in Wakan,” I said, making an exaggerated pointing motion to the phone and mouthing the word JACOB to let my best friend know who it was. “I’m here for the next few days.”
“Oh,” he said again. And then, “Can I come?”
I blinked. “You want to…come? Here?”
“Yeah. If it’s okay.”
Alexis started nodding vigorously.
“But…my friends are strangers,” I said, like he’d forgotten who he was. “You only like meeting people you’ve already met.”
“That’s okay. I don’t mind.”
What in the world? “I…sure?”
“Okay. Can I bring my dog? If not, I’ll leave him with Jewel.”
I pulled the phone away from my mouth. “Can he bring his dog?” I whispered.
Alexis nodded.
“Yeah, that’s fine, he can come,” I said.
“Great. Text me the address. I’ll leave in thirty minutes.”
And then we hung up.
I turned and stared at Alexis. “He’s coming,” I said in disbelief.
She grinned. “I know.”
“Why is he coming? He doesn’t like unfamiliar things. Or places. Or people. Or changes to his plans.”
“No. But he definitely likes you.” She beamed.
I just sat there, shaking my head. This whole thing was baffling, so out of character. Was he trying to show me there were no hard feelings for last night? He could have shown me he was over it with a text. He didn’t have to drive all the way to Wakan.
Maybe he was so distraught over what happened with Amy that he needed a distraction and he didn’t care what it was.
That was probably it. I might not be “the one” for him, but we definitely had a good time together.
No matter what the reason, this was an act of desperation. I felt a little deflated over the thought that him coming was just an extension of the same impulse that made him ask me out last night.
I sighed. “I have to go take a picture of the driveway,” I mumbled, getting up.
“The driveway?” she asked.
“He needs to know where to park. It’s a thing.”
Chapter 28
Jacob
I was throwing everything into the duffel bag I used for my trips to the cabin when her texts came through. And when I saw them, I had to sit on the edge of the bed.
Briana: There’s two people here, Alexis and her husband, Daniel. Daniel is a carpenter and likes to garden. He’s also the mayor. Alexis was an ER physician but now she’s the town doctor at the Royaume satellite clinic in Wakan. We usually just hang out, but we might ride bikes on the bike trail or walk into town and have drinks at the VFW. There might be some townspeople there, but I’ll keep Doug off you. He’s the only extrovert who’ll bug you. Or maybe not, since you don’t have boobs. ??
Briana: When you get here you’ll have your own room and bathroom. Here’s a picture of your room and another one of where to park and one of Alexis and Daniel. The Grant House used to be a bed and breakfast and you can probably still Google it so you can see the property and get a feel for it before you get here. See you in a bit!
I set my phone down on my lap.
She’d known I needed the details. I didn’t have to ask her, I didn’t have to explain it to her—or not explain it and just deal with not having it.
She understands you, even when you don’t say anything at all…